Tag Archives: sugar addiction

It’s Only Ninety Six Hours

In the here & now, ,

Right, *stamps foot* that’s enough now. I can’t do this any more and I’m ready to come out fighting.

I’ve been upbeat, downbeat, on the wagon then under the wheels all within the space of an hour, pretty much every hour right the way through the week. I had food sobriety in my grasp for the first couple of days, then I wobbled, then I lost it altogether, then I pulled it back, then I wobbled again.

I got weighed yesterday and I didn’t have a clue what to make of the number. It was down from last week, but then last week might have been falsely inflated after the holiday, so I don’t really know whether this week I’ve gone forwards or backwards. All I know is the week has been a hot mess and I can’t carry on like that. I’m turning into a fucking basket case.

I don’t even have the words to tell you how much I crave stability, and peace of mind. The first six months of this year were awesome. Cast your mind back, I mean I was really on my game, you know? Sure, steady steps, and steady progress. I want to walk that walk again and I know exactly what I need to do.

Sugar. Sugar, sugar, sugar. You’re right at the top of my shit list and I’m afraid we need to break up again. It’s really and truly the only way forward for me. If we stay friends, even a little bit I’m likely to carry on going tits up every five minutes and my sanity is at stake here…I’m done.

I couldn’t have picked a worse week to kick the white stuff but I don’t care, it’s now or never. And never isn’t an option.

I’ve got two, in fact probably three days this week where I am working away, and lunch will be catered. I’m also going away on Saturday with my bestie for a long weekend…my timing sucks, but when I look in the rear-view mirror and see how firm and sure the ground beneath my feet was in the non-sugar months it’s a no-brainer.

I’ve emerged after a fairly quiet weekend under the poorly blanket and my nose has finally stopped streaming. Tomorrow I’ll be back in the pool and my knee is also recovered enough now to start doing something a bit more strenuous so I need to get my shit together and make a plan.

Next week when I hop aboard HMS Shitbird, the number will have gone down. I’ll be recording the number on Saturday instead of Sunday due to being away for the weekend so I’ve only got six days to show you what I’m made of. I need to make every day count.

By Thursday the worst of the sugar cravings will have subsided. It’s only ninety six hours. I can do that. I’ll be asleep for at least twenty four of those bad boys, so really it’s only seventy two hours. Seventy two hours fighting for control, not letting the Asshole voice in, and making the right choices.

I’ve got this.

Repeat after me…I’ve got this.

ps…apologies if you’re having trouble getting into the blog or sharing your thoughts. Bloody thing was playing up all day yesterday and now the favourites list has disappeared. The tekkies are hopefully going to help unpick what’s up!

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Battle By Battle

In the here & now, ,

Do you ever walk that tightrope between success and failure and spend all day wondering which side you’re going to come down on? That was my day yesterday.

It didn’t get off to a flying start to be fair. I walked into our office, and one of my colleagues – who I swear exists on a diet of chocolate and carries no extra fucking weight whatsoever – had left a large tub of Quality Street open on the desk, the contents of which had been picked over and just the usual suspects were left.

The green triangles, the toffee pennies and some nondescript chewy caramels. Half a tub full of rejects, none of which I’d pick under normal circumstances, but you don’t need me to tell you how they taunted me all day. I put the lid on at one point after I’d sniffed the contents for about the third time. ‘Cos that was going to help, right?

I’d taken soup for lunch, except at lunchtime soup just didn’t cut it. So I had my soup and a ham salad from the deli, and I continued flirting with the rejected chocolates. I’m proud of the fact that I held out all day, and didn’t cave…I drove home feeling like I’d won the war, but of course it was just one battle.

The next one started after I’d eaten my carefully calorie-counted omelette for supper. There were nut bars in the cupboard, and skinny cow lollies in the freezer. I’m not doing too well on the staying-away-from-refined-sugar front and I couldn’t decide which one to have, so I had one of each, followed by another lolly because the first one tasted so good.

I realised I’d dipped into my exercise calories, even though the plan is not to. And the other problem was I hadn’t actually done the exercise yet. I’d added them into MyFitnessPal because I was intending to go for a swim. The pool schedule on Tuesdays has lane swimming between 9pm and 10pm. And that’s fine, except at 8.45pm from the comfort of my armchair, in pyjamas, having sunk a nut bar and two skinny cow lollies, I was feeling full fat and happy. The thought of getting changed and heading to the pool for an hour’s worth of swimming did not make me feel warm and fuzzy in any way.

I seriously couldn’t be arsed. Except I’d not only counted the extra calories, I’d already fucking eaten them. So that was the second battle I won yesterday…I abandoned the Great British Bake-Off thirty seven minutes into the technical challenge, when they’d all just cocked up the caramel filling in their Stroopwafels, and went for my swim.

It was lovely, actually. There was only half a dozen of us in the pool, so it was very quiet and non-splashy. The one-woman tidal wave who’s usually there is clearly a Bake-Off fan because she was nowhere to be seen. I just got lost in my thoughts and cut through the water for a solid sixty minutes. I’m glad I went, even though it was the very last thing I felt like doing. I finished the day with thirty seven calories on the table. On balance, I brought it home.

I must try harder to break up with sugar. Again. I keep slipping, but the thing is there’s no tightrope in my life when there’s no sugar in my life. The two things go hand in hand and I know this. It’s hardly new news, and I’ll just carry on trying to crack it.

Today’s a new day after all… 🙂

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