So I might have mentioned that the asshole in my head has been biding his time just recently, hanging back a bit you know, to see how this writing malarkey was going to work out for me. Up until yesterday it must have been a clear week or so since he rattled his chains, but I knew it was too good to last…he jumped out and said BOO twice yesterday in a carefully thought out pincer movement. His first attempt was in the supermarket on my way home from work. He’s delivered a few killer blows there in the past when I’ve gone food shopping on an empty stomach – never a good idea.
I think he was just trying his luck to be honest and I didn’t cave, although to anyone who happened to be paying attention, it may have looked like I was actually having a row with a bag of cashew nuts in aisle four. I’d like to think my lips don’t move when he goes into attack mode, although I’m generally too busy digging in for the fight to pay much attention to what my face is doing. Still, I’m teetering on the edge of the age where eccentricity is pretty much par for the course, so if anyone noticed they were too polite to stare.
The fun really started after tea when I logged into my blog, read and replied to a couple of messages and then settled down to write some words. I was basking in the glow of some lovely feedback from one of my close friends who knows I’m writing this – hardly anybody does – and I was feeling great, but for the very first time, no words came out.
Now, bear in mind I’m a fat girl who likes to write, not a writer who happens to be fat, so I was a bit stumped. I don’t have a strategy, or any kind of experience to draw on to overcome writer’s block. Someone told me when I started posting every day to prepare myself for times when every word would need to be pulled kicking and screaming from my head and to just accept that sometimes it would happen, but I was arrogant enough to believe it wouldn’t happen to me – I’m rarely stuck for words.
The longer I stared at my fingers, the emptier my head seemed to get. And then out of nowhere, BAM there he was, my very own asshole with his shiny new strategy – forget commenting on her appearance, that’s so yesterday…throw the gauntlet down, go in for the kill and just make her feel stupid. Ruin her mood and she might go in search of cake…that’s what normally happens.
“Hahahahaha…the blog’s history, you’ve blown it! It was rubbish anyway…don’t kid yourself anyone’s interested in it, those visitors you had, they probably just clicked on the wrong link. As IF anyone’s interested in what you have to say anyway – go and make a cup of tea and eat some cake, it’s all going to go wrong now so you might as well just get it over with – told you, you’re just not good enough…three weeks in and you’re washed up, how pathetic…on the skids before you’ve even got started. Empty head, empty head ha ha you suck at this”…and on, and on, and on.
Honestly? I started to really doubt myself – I felt like crap. But all the lovely things my friend had said about the blog earlier in the evening somehow cut through all his bullshit, and I managed to ignore him. And I continued ignoring him until he got bored and crawled back into his corner. So the scores on yesterday’s doors, Me: 2 – Asshole: 0.
I still couldn’t find any words, and I’ve gotta be honest that did freak me out a bit…fortunately I’d got a couple of posts in reserve so I was able to use one of them, and I’m very relieved to report that today the words seem to have got un-stuck again. As for the asshole…it feels like I’m really starting to get the upper hand. One day at a time 🙂
