Tag Archives: moon face

Essential Lady Maintenance

Freeform thoughts, In the here & now,

dog hair

Now, as the asshole pointed out earlier this week, I am overdue for a haircut so I’m headed to the salon this morning. I’m going to have a colour treatment too, fool the silver into posing as blonde, as you do. All sounding good so far? It’s probably the two most miserable hours I’ll spend this month. I look forward to hair appointments as much as my dog looks forward to going to the vet.

We have different stressors obviously…he worries about the thermometer, having had several temperature checks by stealth over the years. It’s the only time he ever sits without being asked and stays sitting. Me, I worry about leaving the salon with my hair styled in the shape of a cauliflower now I’m flirting with fifty, and I’m fat.

What if, the trendy young string bean wielding the scissors can only visualise that cauliflower hairstyle when she looks at me?  What if, my request for a soft and choppy layered look falls on deaf ears because it’s clearly too edgy a style for me, in her youthful skinny opinion? What if I come out of there looking like my mother?

I  will be forced to sit in a chair which is a bit too small, in front of a full length mirror, draped in a black nylon cape for two hours by a skinny girl who will cover my head in tinfoil and bake me under a heat lamp. I don’t do mirrors as a rule, but today I shall be forced to sit and stare at myself for TWO. WHOLE. HOURS.

It’s going to be torture. All I’ll see balanced on top of the big black dome of a cape is several chins followed by chubby red cheeks topped off with a head full of little silver squares…the asshole in my head is going to think all his Christmases have come at once.

But I tell you what, now we’re talking, in terms of diet motivation – by the time I leave that salon, having spent the best part of my morning staring at my living breathing ‘before’ photo, if that hasn’t added another layer of glue to the cake shield nothing will – bring it on, I say. Asshole, do your worst – fat face? Yes but it won’t be as fat tomorrow. Chubby cheeks? Yes but not many wrinkles – you don’t get wrinkles in a balloon, BOOM BOOM! 

I even have faith that my hairdresser will give me the cut that I like. And when I’m skinny, she can knock herself out and style it in the shape of whatever vegetable she likes…when you have cheekbones in place of hamster pouches even cauliflower haircuts look foxy 🙂

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The ‘before’ photo.

Diet update, In the here & now

camera

So it’s Sunday…I’m not going to do anything rash this week like getting the evil scales out – it took me until Thursday to stop sulking – but I am conscious that I positioned this as a diet blog and looking back over the last week or so, all you’ve had is the random collection of chatter from inside my head but no real update.

I never intended this to be a food diary / weight-loss charting kind of blog, and the reason I started writing in the first place was to keep me on the right track as I move from fat to skinny. But as a reader, I’d be curious about how the journey was going, so how about on Sundays I do a bit of an update in terms of how I’m doing and talk about any triumphs and sticky points in my week. That way at least if I fill up every other post with head spam I have nowhere to hide in terms of progress.

I’d love to say I feel loads skinnier than I did last week but the truth is I don’t. I don’t really feel any different. I’m trying hard not to be a bit disappointed with that but I have to remember I’m in this for the long haul. I have the equivalent of one whole other person to lose, and no matter how impatient I am, that isn’t going to happen overnight.

I was out this weekend at a works’ do and someone took my picture, which always fills me with horror when I’m fat. The photo was awful. To be fair, the night hadn’t started well, because the outfit I’d taken to work to change into for the big night out looked like a total dog’s dinner – the palazzo pants which I’d worn quite happily on holiday last month have run up in the wash and would now fit someone a good foot shorter than me, the shoes didn’t work with the now half-mast pants and to add insult to injury my shirt was clingy with static and see-through without the camisole which I’d forgotten to pack.

So my only option was to change back into what I’d been wearing for work which was embarrassing enough in itself, it looked like I couldn’t be bothered to make an effort. All I see when I look at that picture is a big moon face on top of a buddha body, and someone who is very uncomfortable in their own skin. No matter how wide the smile, it’s excruciating. Still…let’s call that my ‘before’ photo and I shall use it to stoke the fire in terms of my determination to stay on track.

On the bright side, I scored a small victory in terms of the buffet which has been my dieting nemesis in the past – kudos to me, the cake shield remained firmly in place and my halo this morning has lost none of it’s sheen! So, onwards, upwards…three whole weeks in and counting. I might not feel any skinnier, but it’s all relative isn’t it – fill a bucket from the ocean and nobody’s going to notice but nevertheless the ocean is one bucketful smaller. Here’s to the next size down, I’m comin’ for ya 🙂

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