Tag Archives: miracle

On The Hook At Hello

In the here & now, , ,

So I spent another few hours at the hospital yesterday with my mum, who’s having a really shitty time with this broken shoulder. She already takes a bunch of meds every day to control heart-related stuff and some of the pain relief she’s had over the last few days seems to have created a weird kind of alchemy. The bruising down the right hand side of her body is like nothing I’ve ever seen, I mean it’s out of control. Her whole arm has turned black, even the palm of her hand and it’s swollen to almost double it’s usual size. She’s being very stoic but I know she’s in a lot of pain and I feel completely helpless, you know? It’s pushing my buttons off the chart.

Which might explain why, when I was sitting in the cubicle with her yesterday waiting for the results of some blood work and reading her snippets of stuff from the newspaper to keep her mind occupied, my eyes latched onto an article about the latest miracle get-skinny-quick product. By the time I’d skim-read it, I was in.

Now, I like to think I’m the proud owner of at least half a dozen decent brain cells. The kind of brain cells that are unlikely to be taken in by news of an unexpected inheritance from Nigeria for example, if I could just be so kind as to provide my bank details on email to the nice gentleman. I’m the kind of person who might read about someone getting scammed with a shake of my head and a dismissive how could they be so stupid? Seriously, how could anyone fall for that baloney?

(Says the woman who married a fucking con artist, but let’s move swiftly past that one, eh?)

However. Show me a good fat-to-skinny-in-one-leap-with-no-effort story, and I’m on the hook at hello. I’m also likely to have my credit card in my hand before the ink’s even dried on the page, especially when I’m at a low ebb…which is exactly what happened yesterday.

It took my fingers about ten seconds to jump onto Amazon and source these miracle sachets which you dissolve in water and drink before a meal. I have it on good authority that they taste like heaven, chop your appetite in half and you lose like forty pounds in a week. Honestly, it said it in the paper so it MUST be true, right? I’m not even kidding.

Dee, seriously? As IF it could ever be that easy. But by the time the blood had returned to my head, I’d already parted with my twenty quid and organised delivery for this afternoon.

What an ejit.

As I reflected on my purchase, this time without a woody in my pants for a quick fix, I realised that this miracle drink probably wasn’t the silver bullet my mind had latched on to, and it probably wasn’t going to deflate this fat suit overnight either. The blinkers came off and the brain cells kicked in...effective only as part of a calorie-controlled diet…ah, like the calorie-controlled diet I’m already doing anyway…?

I have no words.

 

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Dear Santa

Freeform thoughts, , ,

santa

Having given it a lot of thought, I believe I am a reformed character, so this year I think I can send you a Christmas wish list without fear that you’re going to die laughing when I try and tell you what a good girl I’ve been. I mean, I know strictly speaking I haven’t been good for a whole year, but since the 17th of August I’ve made up for it, and compared to any year in recent history my behaviour has been nothing short of a miracle.

I know, I know, we have history. I genuinely hang my head in shame when I think about all the occasions where my boy left a lovely selection of chocolate and mince pies out on Christmas eve to welcome you and say thanks for coming, and I selfishly scoffed the lot before I went to bed. Yes ok, and the sherry. I even ate Rudolph’s carrot one year, but after the sherry and half a bottle of baileys, I’d lost my sense of perspective and it seemed like a good idea at the time.

I’d also like to apologise for the occasions when I’ve ventured out in fancy dress and posed as your good self. My friends were all rocking the sexy santa look, but me…well I looked more like you than you do. I’ve got the girth and to be fair, now I’m over fifty I’ve even got the beard. But I’m hoping we can put my past indiscretions behind us and move on. Life’s too short to bear grudges, right?

So anyway, in my Christmas stocking I’d love to find some patience. I’m hoping you have some in stock, because it’s a long way to Skinny Town and if I run out on the way I’ll be in trouble. No, I mean I’ll really be in trouble, you know like last time and the time before that..? When I didn’t get there quickly enough I just gave up and returned to Mooseville with my tail between my legs. I know I’ve got the posse at my back this time and I reckon they’d have my guts for garters if I even thought about quitting, but you know it doesn’t hurt to take a belt and braces approach. I’m just making sure.

I’d also love it if you could arrange for me to have some top-up vouchers for my willpower. I mean I’m doing ok at the moment, and there’s plenty left in the old tank but you never know when you’re going to get caught a bit short. I might not need them, I’m feeling a bit cocky these days and I’ve resisted the emergency hob-nob for the last four months, which is pretty impressive. Well, when I say resisted, I did lick the chocolate off one corner of it when I was having a bad day but I won the fight with the asshole in my mind before any actual biting happened. It was a close call mind you.

At the risk of sounding greedy, might I trouble you finally for a small box of determination? I’ve promised to choose a big event to train for in the New Year, and although I haven’t decided exactly what I’m going to do I need to go from zero to hero far more quickly than my old fat body is expecting. I’m going to have to throw everything I’ve got at it, including all the determination I can get my hands on.

Let’s call this the 2016 Skinny Town Travel Kit. It would be awesome if you could drop an identical one into the stockings of everyone in the posse too…a little thank you from me since this journey probably wouldn’t be happening without them. Oh, and just take it easy with the candy sticks, if you don’t mind. We do veggie sticks in this posse.

Lots of love and a kiss for Rudolph…pass on my apologies for the carrot 🙂

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