Tag Archives: habits

Here We Go…

In the here & now, , ,

dog

Well as my Grandma used to say, there’s no getting any sense out of  me now. It’s that time…me and my boy are almost ready. As we speak he’s pacing the floor and getting used to the feel of his tux – his first black tie event – whilst throwing furtive admiring glances at the mirror. I don’t blame him, he looks incredibly handsome (even though I’m not allowed to tell him that 🙂 )

I’m all ready underneath but still in pyjamas. It’s strange, my nerves have gone and I’m ready to throw myself headlong into the evening. I’ve been practising my losing face, you know so I can look as happy for the winners as those movie stars who don’t bag the Oscar. I’m in that place where one minute I think OMG IMAGINE if we WON!! and then next minute Assholio chips in with don’t be ridiculous there are people here who actually know what they’re doing, you’ve got no chance, you’re just not good enough…at least I won’t have a TV camera in my face to beam a thumbnail of my disappointment around the world if one of the proper bloggers knocks it out of the park.

You know what, it’s academic at this point, right? It’s the first time something good has come of me being fat, and whilst I won’t be content until I’m living in an average-sized body inside the Skinny Town county line, being fat and being on this journey is what’s presented me with this amazing opportunity, so in your face Asshole, I’m in a good place. Where this love of writing came from I have no idea, but when I needed it the most, there it was and I’m grateful. Who knew!

It’s funny, there have been a couple of moments in the last couple of days where I’ve bumped into the fact that I’m very much still work in progress. Driving home from the office on Wednesday evening and feeling very happy at the prospect of five days off work and all the exciting things to come, I was acutely aware of the Asshole voice encouraging me to unplug the diet for the next few days…you’re on holiday! Just take your foot off ’til after the weekend…that’s always what I did before, you know?

Same thing yesterday when James and I were talking about the train. We travelled in the posh bit since it’s a special weekend, and they give you free food, so he was thinking out loud about what might be on the menu. Let me tell you how much I would have exploited that in the past, I would have chewed all the way way to London. My boy did, in the way that you can when you stand six feet three inches in your socks and have hollow legs.

The Asshole was jumping up and down like Rumplestiltskin at the fact that I wasn’t over-indulging on free stuff. I wanted to of course and I felt the familiar blend of resentment that I couldn’t and satisfaction that I wasn’t. But I didn’t, and that tells me that whatever I’m doing is working…I’m slowly replacing those old habits.

So here we are then, it’s time…I must go get dressed. I promise pictures tomorrow but if you follow me on Twitter you may just get pictures and hot-off-the-press updates as we go…

Giddy!!!

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A New Habit Is Born

In the here & now, , ,

habit-2

I’ve been thinking more you know, about what we talked about yesterday – my love of the armchair and lack of inclination to exercise…it’s really not on is it? You all shared some interesting perspectives and I thank you for that…it helps. I get it. I can’t have a hissy fit at the bitch in the bathroom if I’m not keeping up my end of the bargain, and if me and my love of food are going to find a way to rub along inside a skinny body, limiting food intake is never going to be enough all on its own. So I guess I just need to take the bull by the horns. I don’t want to, but wanting to want to is chewing away at me like an irritating wasp flying around my head.

I’ve been in negotiations with the asshole in my mind for the last couple of days. I’m here to tell you whilst he’s starting to give me less grief about what I’m eating, he’s gone in hard on this one – why don’t you get 50lbs off first before you think about getting more active, if you try now everything will hurt ten times more, you work really long hours and you don’t deserve to ache from head to toe because you’re pushing yourself too hard when you’re going to be losing weight anyway if you’re eating the right things…

If you’re of a sensitive disposition, you might want to cover your ears for a moment.

Sod off Asshole, with your bad karma…I’m NOT LISTENING   fu

It strikes me that motivation is step one of changing a habit, even if it’s not a habit you really want to change. Knowing it’s something you need to change combined with really, really wanting the outcome that forming a different habit will bring is as good a starting point as any other, would you agree? There’s a bloody mountain of information out there about how long it takes to form a new habit and a number of differing views. I posted a link to one of the better ones on my interesting stuff page. But what all those clever people with letters after their name seem to agree on is this; if what you’re trying to adopt as a habit is easy, it will become habitual much more quickly than if what you’re trying to do is hard.

So. This is where I got to with my negotiations. There’s nothing to stop me continuing my love affair with the armchair, providing that’s not all I do every day after work, right? Now before you get giddy I’m not proposing that I go for like a 5k run every evening, or get up close and personal with some kettle bells – I want curing not killing – but I could do something manageable, and build up my stamina slowly. So here’s what’s going to happen after I get back from my trip…every day when I get in from work, I’m going to clip Charlie’s lead on and go walk him for half an hour. It’s an extra walk in the day for him, (he spends 3 hours romping through the fields every day with all his four-legged friends in doggy day-care whilst I’m at work) and it’s half an hour’s walk per day that I don’t normally have. So it counts…every little counts.

So I’ve said it out loud now…shared it with you guys. I’m accountable. That’s going to be a new part of my daily routine…rain or shine (yeah way to go with the timing Dee, with winter just around the corner, doofus) and I’ll turn it into a habit if it kills me. Which to be fair it very well might 🙂 But I’m going to persevere. I’ve walked far more on this trip than I have in a while…ankles are stiff, knee is sore but you know what, I’m on it.

I’ll keep you posted as to how many times it takes before it feels like a habit instead of a chore…together we can see just how much these experts really know!

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Wanting To Want To

Freeform thoughts, In the here & now,

Pet hamster holding a blank white sign on a stick as an advertising and marketing concept with a cute mouse like mammal with a smile communicating an important Veterinary or Veterinarian related message.

One of the benefits that I’m finding in writing all my mixed up thoughts down and pulling them into the kind of order that makes it possible for other people to read, is the clarity I’m uncovering for myself.  I’ve never approached this as a ‘Dear Diary’ blog given that I doubt anyone but me would be remotely interested in the general titter and shit of my life – I’ve tried to take the seed of an idea in each post and kind of kick it about out loud so I understand where I land with my perspective.

That seems to be switching on a few lightbulbs as we go along…for me as much as anyone. And it’s good to take one thought at a time, and really dissect it. A bit like when they used to make you chop up a frog in the science lab at school so you could see what was inside, just a bit less messy. So following on from me identifying my big hairy audacious skinny goal, I need to unpick some of the habits that could make the wheels come off. After all, any good strategy needs to keep sight of the likely bumps in the road in order to plan for them, right? In the context of dieting where broken choices and bad habits have gotten me into this mess, I need to be able to call out the difference between routine, and habit.

I guess for me, routine is the framework of my life. I get up, I go to work, I come home…I take care of my mum, feed the dog, hang out with my boy…all those things are fairly routine because they need to happen to keep life ticking along. I suppose there’s no such thing as a good or a bad routine, sure some are more fun than others but they’re fairly easy to change if they’re not working for you. Habits are something different. In my mind, I see habits as the angels or demons that live within your routine…they’re either rootin’ for you or pulling against you. And where bad habits are concerned, the asshole in my mind is right behind the wheel.

Told you he operated by stealth didn’t I..? I think it was Zig Ziglar who said that all bad habits start slowly and gradually and before you know you have the habit, the habit has you…that’s so true. Trouble is, some of these bad habits are destructive, yet comforting at the same time, you know? Think about it. I get in from work, knackered..long day, busy busy busy…hauling 300lbs of body around equates to not much energy left, aching back, swollen feet. I look forward all day to climbing into pyjamas, sinking into the armchair with the dog on my knee and eating something (or several somethings) as I watch TV and relax.

And yet. That’s one of the worst habits I have that I need to break. I know that…it’s not doing me any good. Being completely sedentary in my down-time is not encouraging my buns to shrink and although I’m in the sweet spot and I’m completely in control of my food choices, this is where the asshole is still in control of the route map. But from where I’m standing right now, I don’t want to break that habit – there. I’ve said it. I look forward to that moment all day long!  What I want, is to want to want to break the habit…and therein lies the rub. That’s a different thing altogether.

Let me chew on that a bit longer.  I have some thoughts, and I’ll write more tomorrow. And if anyone cares to share what helped them want to want to change something they didn’t want to change I’m all ears 🙂

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