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A Brand New Copybook

In the here & now, , ,

Ok so this is special. It’s a Monday, and it’s the first day of a brand new year…that happens only once every seven years, right? Unless leap years bugger up that sequence once in a while, but whatever. The stars are aligned and I’m actually feeling more than a bit giddy as I write this. It’s a sign, kind of a double whammy if you like.

I’m trying to frame this in my head as though everything I’ve done, and everything I’ve learned in the two years, four months and sixteen days since I decided to wrestle my life back from the brink of obesity-related immobility has led me right to this point. And this point is where my dummy run ends, and I step out for real. I know. I feel like I should be speaking in hushed tones, so significant is this moment…

Okay okay so I know I’m being a bit over the top, but come on, if ever there was a new start that was worthy of being called a new start, this is it. I’ve opened a brand new shiny book, and I’m ready to start filling the pages with my 2018 story. I’m going to make it a good one.

Last year…well. Let’s just say that 2017 failed to impress me on a number of levels. That’s an understatement actually, it was probably the most difficult year I’ve ever had. Losing my Godmum was a sucker punch even though we knew it was coming, and watching my mum become increasingly frail in both mind and body has been excruciating.

On the other hand, I have so much to be grateful for. I’m surrounded by some amazing friends. My boy makes my heart swell with pride every single day. I have a job that I love and I feel really established in my life, you know? I get to travel to some amazing places and I’m healthy enough to really enjoy all of it in a way that I couldn’t before this all started.

And lets not forget these pages…having this creative outlet where I can let all my thoughts and feelings loose and hang out with you guys is awesome. I can be completely honest, safe in the knowledge that you understand me without judging because you’ve walked a mile in my shoes, and you’re always ready to join me in laughing at the utter tragedy of living my life on a fucking diet. All of that is the reason I’m still hanging in here as determined as ever to reach my goals.

I’m still trying to get a grip of it all but to be fair that’s one of the things I’m most thankful for, you know? There’s been no quick fix, no instant results and most of all no cure for the surplus curves I stuff into my pants every day but by some miracle I’m still here almost two and a half years into my journey.

I’ve fallen down a lot and I’ve taken so many wrong turns I’ve lost count but it doesn’t matter does it? All that matters is that I learned over and over how to get up again and keep on pushing forward. Perfection isn’t the secret...tenacity is where it’s at.

Let’s try to take more steps forwards than backwards this year eh? I’m looking at my weight loss across 2017 and accounting for the genius relocation of the shitbird scale into the bath which bumped the number upwards, I’ve netted out the year with a 2lb loss. Yes boys and girls, in the whole of 2017 that’s all I lost.

Now, I could hurl myself at the floor and have a big fat tony bear tantrum and the sheer injustice of that, or I could suck it up and pat myself on the back for at least ending the year smaller than when it started. I choose that one, because I don’t want any negativity colouring the pages of my brand new copybook. Only good things are getting included in my 2018 story.

How about yours? Come on, let’s make this year count…we deserve skinny after all this effort, right? We have so much support in these pages, because we’re all on the same journey and we’re all here to prop each other up. See that little map at the top of the page? That’s where you’re all at…it’s the geolocation footprint of everybody who reads along. The orange bits are where we have the highest number of friends, but there are readers, and lurkers, and regular corresponders everywhere that’s coloured in…that pretty much blows my mind.

Wherever you’re celebrating New Year, I’m sending big love to each and every one of you in the hope that 2018 will be your best year yet. I’m excited to continue sharing this journey…Skinny Town here we come 🙂

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I Would’ve Worried.

In the here & now, ,

I’m so giddy…it’s time for my writer’s weekend! I’m heading out at lunchtime to spend the next three days at the Festival of Writing 2017 surrounded by arty creative types who do this shit for real and I just can’t wait. The very first seminar of the weekend is called From Pipe-dream to Publication, and I’m hoping there’ll be loads of folk just like me who bring enthusiasm over experience and  don’t have a highly polished manuscript up their sleeve. All I want to do is take a tentative step into that world and have a bit of a nose around, you know? Suss it all out.

I’ve got my clothes all picked out, and I’ve got my fake bake on so I’m sporting a healthy glow, or at least I will be when I’ve showered off the excess this morning…right now I look like I fell in a vat of gravy. I treated myself to a face pack last night so it’s as good as it’s going to get. I don’t want to spend the next three days worrying about how I look, but I’m well aware that first impressions count. Having said that, I want to look young and skinny so I’m screwed on both counts, right?

There was a time, where events like this would’ve been off-limits to someone like me. When I was at my fattest there’s no way I would’ve considered rocking up to a long weekend where I know nobody at all. I’ll have no choice but to mingle and put myself out there. Back then, it would have been the stuff of nightmares to be honest, no matter how interesting I might have found the workshops.

I would have worried about what people thought as I waddled around looking for somewhere to sit. I would’ve prayed that the lecture theatres were not too far from each other so I didn’t have to walk very far. I would’ve been stressed to the max about finding a chair big enough for my double arse and I would’ve tortured myself with the buffet in case anyone judged me for my food choices.

I would’ve known in advance exactly how miserable I’d be, and I would have allowed fat to get in the way of my dreams. Again. I just wouldn’t have gone.

This time, I’m not fazed by it. Any of it. Well, except maybe the buffet. I’m not in control of the menu for three whole days but I am in control of my mouth and what goes in it. To be fair, I’m so on it at the moment I’m happy that I can pull it off.

I’m not really big on networking and exchanging small-talk in a work situation, I find it irksome and I really can’t be arsed but this is different. I’m dying to meet other people who love to write, and people who’ve had their words published and most of all I’m dying to meet people who can open my eyes to the possibilities of it all.

Besides, for the first time in my life I can honestly say being fat opened the door…I might never have picked up a pen if I’d been living the dream in Skinny Town all these years, eh?

Have an awesome weekend folks, and I’ll see you on the other side 🙂

 

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Buckled In And Ready For The Ride

In the here & now, , ,

So we’re officially in the second half of 2017. I mean really, how is that even possible? It doesn’t seem two minutes since I kicked off the year with a renewed determination to get back on track and stop throwing the door wide open for the fuck-up fairy to waltz right in and make herself at home. I’m happy to say that with the exception of one four-day visit, her open invitation remains suspended and I’m doing fine.

It’s good to take stock. I’m 29lbs down so far this year, which averages out at a cock-hair over 1lb a week. I’m not gonna lie, I’d prefer the average to be a bit more impressive, but the momentum from switching up my food plan to calorie counting through My Fitness Pal is going to carry me forward a bit faster, I can already see that. I’ve had another cracking loss this week which I’m  so excited about especially after our holiday, and the Shitbird scale is definitely losing the upper hand.

I would never diss Weight Watchers, right? It’s been my travelling companion for a good 18 months and it’s served me well. That said, it was the right time for me to move away from counting points, which I suspect is built around normal people who don’t have a tendency to eat their own bodyweight in anything positioned as ‘free’. I mean come on, some folk just take liberties, and I’d be the first to admit I’m one of them.

Hooking up the technology on my wrist with the MFP app means I’ve been forced to compare the exact number of calories in whatever I’m eating versus the exact number of calories that I’m burning, and shit, there’s no wonder some weeks I’ve lost the equivalent of a gnat’s ass. I know I’m fairly active these days but on the other hand so are my jaws, right? Most weeks I’ve felt a bit aggrieved at my snail’s pace progress because to all intents and purposes I’ve been sticking to the plan, but the reality is the plan I was following was probably just giving me too much rope.

Now, I feel like I have insight and complete control, and it’s a game-changer. I’m excited to see what I can do with this over the next few months, you know? It took me the first five months of this year to lose twenty two pounds, but I’ve lost another seven in the last three weeks, which says it all really. Honeymoon period..? Possibly, but I’m happy to see where it takes me. I’m buckled in and ready for the ride.

How weird is it, that I’m embracing this level of discipline? I don’t ever do too well with rules and rigidity in fact I’ve made it my life’s work to push back against anything that feels like it’s tying my hands, and yet right now I appear to be living in an Asshole voice-free zone. I suspect that at the deepest level I recognise this as the silver bullet that could free me from this fucking fat suit once and for all 🙂

 

On another note altogether, may I ask for five minutes of your time to answer a couple of questions for me? I’d be so grateful for your help. When I started this blog as a way of supporting my own weight-loss journey, I discovered a love of writing that I never knew I had, and as we’ve walked this path together over the last couple of years, many of you have reached out and suggested that I should think about writing a book.

Now, I’m not daft enough to let a few bits of nice feedback turn my head, but you know what, I get the biggest kick out of knowing that what goes on in these pages helps  some of you guys too, and I’ve got almost three hundred thousand words’ worth of blog posts in the bag…imagine if I could turn them into something resembling a book?

I feel a tiny bit dizzy at the thought of it…I’m not a writer, I’m just a fat girl who loves to write but if this journey has taught me anything, it’s that dreams are worth chasing, so I’m doing a little bit of market research to test the water and I’d really value your thoughts. You can help by clicking HERE and it’s completely anonymous so please be honest!

Before I go, I just want to wish Nicola well with her goal this week…if you follow her Shitbird page you’ll see that she’s incredibly close to kissing the hallowed turf of one-derland and I’m excited for her weigh-in on Thursday!

 

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Spend, Spend, Spend!

In the here & now, ,

You’ll be relieved to know that today I have no intention of curdling your mood. I was a proper oxygen thief on Monday wasn’t I? Sorry about that. I do have the good grace to look a bit sheepish. I guess I just needed to vent, and by the way I really appreciate all your lovely notes and emails about my screwed up knee…it’s much better thank you. I reckon another day or so with the brace on and then I’ll be fine.

Thanks also to all of you who reached out with words of reassurance about my snail’s pace weight loss. I take enormous comfort from knowing that it’s not just me. Shitbird Scales across the nation regularly piss on your chips too, so I feel like we’re collectively engaged in a much wider battle with the needle than the shitstorm that goes down in my bathroom every Sunday. Welcome to the life of a dieter, right?

Anyway, you know how I’m always on the lookout for new ideas? Beth sent me the link to an interesting article about some bloke who’s figured out some kind of optimum usage of weight watchers’ points, and he reckons that when you eat them is almost as important as what you eat. Beth’s going to give it a go and report back, but you know what, I think I’m going to give it a go too. I’ve got nothing to lose, have I?

What..? Well yes okay, technically if we’re splitting hairs you could say I’ve got one hundred and two fucking pounds to lose. Smart arse.

Anyway, you can read this guy’s theory HERE if you’re interested, but in a nutshell he reckons that you should stick to your daily points allowance on weigh day and the day after that, then have your daily points and all your weekly ones over the next three days. Finally, the last two days before weigh-in should be daily points only.

His theory is that speeding your metabolism up for a few days in the middle of the week is like sprinkling your food plan with magic dust because your body has to work harder to process the increased volume of food, and on days six and seven it carries on at warp speed when you’ve cut back on your portions and Boom that’s when the magic happens. He also recommends spending some of the extra points you earn when you exercise, and I never do that. I used to, but in recent times I’ve just allowed them to stack up.

What do you reckon? I mean, you are looking at a fully paid up member of the I’ll believe any old crap if there’s a chance it might work society…I’ve gone down so many blind alleys over the years where folk have offered up this or that theory/diet/lifestyle as the optimum way to reduce the size of my arse, and I’d go so far as to say that if I’d been born and raised in past times I would’ve had cupboards overflowing with snake oil, you know? I’m an easy sell when I want to believe that whatever outlandish claims in front of me are true. But in this case, I mean what if…?

So anyway, me and Beth are leading the charge. We’re going to road test it. I mean, it’s not a supplement, or a fad diet, so to be honest if all I have to do is rearrange the running order of when I spend my weeklies, it’s got to be worth a shot, right?

I swear my eagerness to get cracking has got nothing to do with the fact that as we speak I haven’t touched my weekly points, and I’m bang in the middle of my dieting week, so by the time I shut my eyes tomorrow night I need to have eaten a whole weeks’ worth of extra points…

Look at this innocent face. The thought never even crossed my mind m’lud 🙂

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The Moose Who Got A Spray Tan

In the here & now, ,

You’ll never believe what I’ve gone and done…I’ve only taken the plunge and booked a spray tan for the day before we go on holiday. I know! I mean, I still have to gear myself up for the humiliation of standing in front of a skinny string bean with my kit off, in a pair of paper knickers which I can guarantee will not have been created with an arse the size of mine in mind, but do you know what, I don’t really care.

I don’t tan these days – I suffer from vitiligo, which means that I’m slowly losing the pigment in my skin, so when the bits of me that do still go brown see the sun, I end up looking like someone flicked tan coloured paint at my milk-bottle white skin, if you can picture what I mean…it’s sort of messy. So I tend to rock the pale and interesting look most of the time and pretty much avoid the sun completely. The thing is, when I see my friend turning a lovely shade of golden brown towards the end of our holidays I always get a tinge of envy…I do love a nice tan. And I’ll tell you what else, don’t you think being tanned makes you feel thinner? I do.

So as I was having my nails done on Saturday, I decided to go for it and I’m all booked in. I realise it’ll all happen the wrong way round, me heading off on holiday in all my bronzed glory to spend a week somewhere hot before returning home as white as a ghost but at least for the first two or three days I’ll feel like I belong in the holiday photos, right? Somewhere around the middle of the holiday, me and my friend might even be the same colour as she develops her tan and mine washes away down the plughole 🙂

Just booking my tanning session made me feel a bit giddy. It’s another example of something I would never have done when I was at my fattest, I mean it’s not just the thought of standing in front of a stranger with all the peaks and valleys of my morbidly obese body on display, although that would be bad enough. It’s the thought of what they might go home and tell their friends afterwards about the moose who got a spray tan, you know?

Every now and again it’s good to remember the way I used to have to navigate my life, avoiding situations where I might become the butt of somebody’s joke. It was exhausting. I used to think two or three steps ahead constantly so I didn’t bump into a situation that I hadn’t planned for, or figured out in advance how to handle. Where I went, what I did, where I sat, what I wore…everything had to be scrutinised through a fat-girl lens to establish its suitability for someone like me. And you don’t need me to tell you that the Asshole voice had a never-ending supply of reasons why I couldn’t do things that normal people could, and what people might think about me if I tried.

Today is day 36 of my new start. I had another strong week last week, and the Shitbird Scale rewarded me with another good loss. The further away I walk from the cycle of behaving myself then spectacularly falling off the wagon, regroup and repeat, the more sure the ground feels under my feet. For the first time in my life, I have been chocolate and salty-snack free for five weeks and one day, resulting in a loss of 13lbs since the beginning of January, which is more than all of last year’s net effort put together.

I’m calm. And trust me when I tell you that calm is the real soul food.

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