Category Archives: In the here & now

Six Months And Counting…

In the here & now

6 months

Look what I went and did! I’ve been so busy and distracted this week with stuff, that the six month anniversary of our little community passed right under my nose without me even noticing.  So, happy six months and three days anniversary! My tardiness means it doesn’t exactly trip off the tongue, but it’s a milestone I’m very proud of none the less.

You know, I didn’t really know what my website was going to look like when I started writing. I knew I didn’t want it to be a preachy teachy blog, and I didn’t want it to be a dear diary today I ate this kind of blog either. I didn’t want to write a blog which banged the drum for one particular type of food plan, and I definitely didn’t want annoying adverts plastered all over it. All things considered I think it’s fair to say I was more certain about what I didn’t want than what I did.

It just sort of found its own groove a couple of weeks in. When I look back over my first half dozen or so posts, I can’t help pulling a bit of a face…lets be honest they were a bit naff! I didn’t imagine at that point that many people would ever actually read them, and bad as they are, whilst it’s in my gift to do so, I somehow can’t bring myself to change them, or make them better. If I did, it wouldn’t be authentic…you’ve always been served up exactly what was in my head at any given point in time, and that sort of feels important to me. I’m just a bit more practiced at shaping it now that’s all.

There are 191 published posts and almost one hundred and twenty thousand words, and that’s just my words…add your words too, weaved in and out of the two thousand or so comments in the thought threads…it blows my mind. Look what we did!

What’s interesting now, is that I’m starting to get approached by folk who want me to endorse stuff. I mean seriously, I’m just a fat lass on a diet. I walk around with random shit in my head most of the time which I share with you willy nilly. I’m not sure that qualifies me to wave a banner and recommend stuff.

(Just on the off chance that the nice man from Chanel is looking, I’m a bit fond of your leather goods so you know, happy to oblige if you need a brand ambassador. I mean, even fat arms look awesome if they’re accessorised with a double C, right? What do you mean ‘what are fat arms’?)

I’ve almost come unstuck once or twice. You know how trusting I am…I got conned just before Christmas when that medical website in the US invited me to have you guys offer up your tips to stay safe over the holidays. Let’s swap tips they said…we’ll have some fun and post the best ones on social media…I thought GREAT! Sounds like fun…no, what they were really after was a free plug on here, and a link through to their website.

In fact, worse than that, I think they were secretly hoping you didn’t stay safe, and that you might remember if your leg was hanging by a thread that Dee from Break Out The Skinny Girl had mentioned a bunch of doctors who might be able to help sew it back on, for a modest fee. I didn’t cotton on at first, until I realised they didn’t have any social media. Cheeky knackers. So I’m a bit more careful now, and I’ve said no to everything else so far.

What do you mean am I open to bribery..? Duh, of course I bloody am.

I’d love to think that all of you are feeling a bit skinnier and maybe a bit healthier than you were at back in August when we started chatting, or at the very least have felt the support of this little community as you hop, skip and occasionally face plant through this rocky path to Skinny Town. I value your company and your chatter more than I can tell you, and I have to thank you for helping me every step of the way so far. I couldn’t have got this far without you, and I’m looking forward to continuing this journey with all of you 🙂

Oh and before you go…I must apologise to those of you who are signed up for the subscription email. The tech guys have been working on it since Wednesday, I swear it’s enough to drive me to the hob-nobs. After sending a second completely random notification on Wednesday night it’s remained stubbornly silent since and nothing I’ve done so far has coaxed it back into life. I’m hoping your daily email notification will be up and running again soon…sodding thing drives me crazy!

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Cheese Balls At The Doo.

Biggest Triumphs

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I had a perfectly lovely evening at the bloggy folk social, and it felt very cosmopolitan swinging by for drinks and nibbles after work. Whenever I’m in London it feels a bit like country mouse is in town you know? Everyone seems very…together somehow. Like they live this very glamorous life and they all have people to see, places to be…like popping out for drinks and nibbles is normal on a school night before they all disperse to go be glamorous and interesting somewhere else.

So anyway, I didn’t know what to expect tonight…there had been no mention of food on the invite so I assumed there wouldn’t be any, and there wasn’t, not really…but there were two big bowls of cheesy wotsits alongside an assortment of other nibbles which, lets face it are cheese balls out of a different mould. I couldn’t tell you what the other nibbles were, I was too preoccupied with the cheese balls to notice.

It’s like the Gods of dieting just thought I know, let’s stick her in a room full of people who know she’s on a diet together with her biggest trigger food, and see if she manages to navigate a path to the cheese balls without anyone noticing…

By the time I’d had my third glass of red wine, I was feeling very relaxed indeed, and I could feel my defences crumbling, in fact I got so near the table at one point they were within touching distance. I joked with a few of the people I chatted to about the effect they were having on me, and they all laughed along and assumed I was kidding…you lot know better, right?

But I acted like a normal person. I had two cheese balls when someone was saying a few words, and nobody was looking at me, and then I walked away from the table. Just two. Then I sluiced the taste from my mouth with a big slug of red wine, and then started talking to two very nice chaps about blogging.

I did a normal person thing, even if my thoughts weren’t normal person thoughts. I was on my very best behaviour, even after three glasses of wine and I feel very happy about that. Mind you, I had to didn’t I…the room may as well have been filled with the diet police!  I imagine a collective gasp would have gone around the room like a mexican wave if I’d face planted into the bowl like I wanted to.

So anyway, I chatted to travel bloggers, and beauty bloggers, and food and drink bloggers. A car blogger, and a jazz blogger, some of the sponsors, and both of the judges who judged one of the categories that I’m shortlisted in…that was a bit weird. I mean, they were both so lovely, but they know everything about me, and we only met for the first time tonight. That took some getting used to you know? Funny how red wine takes the edge off though 🙂

I’m so glad I went. I survived the cheese balls, I stood up for 3 hours drinking and chatting without being preoccupied because some bit of me or other was hurting, and I met a bunch of interesting and lovely folk who I might never have known if not for this.

Yesterday was a good day 🙂

I’m doing a trek to Cuba in October, to raise money in memory of my dad. You can read his story HERE and I would be so grateful if you’d help me honour his memory by donating whatever you can afford so together we can make a difference and help other people who have been affected by mental illness. Thank you!

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Meeting The Gang

In the here & now

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Sometimes things have a way of working out beautifully don’t they..? Just after I found out I’d been shortlisted as a finalist in the UK Blog Awards I received an invitation to attend a bit of a get-together with my fellow finalists and our sponsors, and I thought I probably wouldn’t be able to go. It’s not the awards ceremony I’m talking about, just an evening spent meeting a lot of the people involved, with an opportunity to chat and get to know everyone. Thing is, I’m a northern girl, and this social evening is in London.

However, as things worked out the timing was perfect because I needed to be down here on business anyway for the first couple of days this week, so I just booked a later train home and as I push the button on today’s blog post, I’m just getting ready to cross the city and mingle.

I wouldn’t say I’m awkward in social situations, but its a long time since I’ve enjoyed anything like this. Especially when I was the size of a moose, I mean for all the reasons we’ve chatted about over the weeks and months on this journey. Six months ago irrespective of work schedule I probably wouldn’t have gone, because I would have been worried about too many things.

First and foremost, what would people think as I walked in the room…blimey, she knows her way around a pie doesn’t she! And what would the room be like, you know would I have to stand up? My back and my knee and my ankles would have been screaming at me after ten minutes if I did, but if there were chairs, would they have arms, and if they did would I fit in the seat without the arms cutting into my legs, and most of all would they be sturdy enough to hold me?

And what if I were to be offered something to eat…should I eat? I mean, what if everyone else was and I didn’t, that would make me stand out and I’d hate that. But if I did eat, what would people think…blimey look at her, hoovering up the buffet, best get in quick whilst there’s still stuff left! 

It was crippling, not to mention exhausting having to worry about stuff like that. I mean, way to take a pleasant evening and surround it on all sides by the Asshole voice, chipping away at your self esteem, as if the actual physical considerations weren’t bad enough.

I am less worried than I would have been then. Dare I say I’m even looking forward to it…I do love meeting people and I’ve already made a few connections through social media. And most of all, they’re expecting me to be fat, so I won’t disappoint anyone in the way you do when you’re different to the way folk imagine you’re going to be. I mean it would even look a bit odd if I rocked up skinny wouldn’t it, given that I’ve spent the last six months talking about the size of my arse.

I’m still fat, but I’m not as fat. So I’ll still worry a bit, but I’m not going to drive myself bat shit crazy with it like I would have not too long ago. They know what they’re getting so that makes me more relaxed, hell I can even cross my legs now, I mean I’ve got it all going on.

The thing I’m looking forward to most of all is meeting other people who do what I do, you know? There must be folk like me who started blogging to help them deal with stuff. People with busy lives, and issues, who have to try and fit their desire to write around all the other demands on their time but who could no more think of quitting than flying to the moon.

I wonder if they’re like me..? I wonder if sometimes they’ve got rich pickings in the bank in terms of drafted posts, and other times the coffers are empty and every word needs coaxing out reluctantly only to read like shit when they’re all lined up on the page. That’s the hardest thing, when you put stuff out there for other folk to read. The pressure when the words won’t come is sometimes like sailing close to the wind without a life vest.

I’m going to really enjoy swapping notes, and stories, and just hanging out with folk who get a kick out of flexing their creative muscles…it’s funny, one of my new friends reached out to ask which subscription widget I used because she liked the way mine looked. I did try and warn her about the gremlins, in fact it’s ironic that I’d hoped one of them would be able to recommend a more reliable one to me since I can’t seem to find one that’s any better than the flaky mind-of-it’s-own one that I’ve got!

Anyway, picture me tonight standing easier in my own skin…you guys helped me do that and I’m more grateful than I can tell you 🙂

 

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When Chocolate Calls Your Name

Freeform thoughts

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I’m writing this blog post on the train, on my way down to see my best friend…she very annoyingly lives nowhere near me and despite nagging her incessantly for the last twenty years or so to move back to my neck of the woods I’ve given up now, she’s got a couple of grand babies and I know when I’m beat.

Even the lure of my roast dinners couldn’t tempt her away these days, especially since the portions have shrunk, and rightly so. But I have business meetings in London over the early part of this week, and I grabbed the chance with both hands to come down early for a weekend visit and some cuddles with those babies.

There’s a young guy sitting opposite me across the aisle, who bought a bar of chocolate from the trolley as it made it’s way down the carriage. Me, I bought coffee and I’ve already polished off the two bananas I brought with me for breakfast. But I’m fascinated by this bloke…he ate one strip of chocolate, and now he’s gone to sleep. With the chocolate open, and unfinished on the table right in front of him. Who does that?!!

I’ve never been able to do that. I have friends who laugh about recipes which invite to you use leftover wine, on the basis that no such thing exists, and whilst I can take or leave wine, there’s definitely no such thing as leftover chocolate in my world. I mean, buying a bar to eat later would be hard enough but come on, surely once you’ve had a square and got the taste for it you can’t just leave it sitting there? And sleep.

My mind is wandering all over the place…I’m imagining some kind of ninja move to swap out my empty banana skin for his barely touched bar of Galaxy. I mean he’s out for the count, right? He might just think he dreamed the chocolate and really he ate fruit, kind of like the shower scene in Dallas…the chocolate never happened, in the same way that Bobby Ewing never shagged that other woman whilst Pamela was off being dead for a bit. It was all a dream.

I’m thinking no, I probably couldn’t get away with that. Christ, I’m a fifty year old woman reduced to thoughts of skullduggery by an open bar of chocolate that’s not even near enough for me to smell it. Get a grip woman. It’s a good job he doesn’t have cheesy balls or we wouldn’t even be having this conversation. I’d be looking at getting escorted off the train at the next station on the basis that the bright orange e-numbers smeared all over my chops proved the case against me despite me denying all knowledge m’lud.

I know that sugar is addictive, and I’m seriously thinking about cutting all refined sugar out of my diet…can’t just quite commit but they’re more than idle thoughts. But what about the other stuff that I find just as addictive..? Cheese balls being a case in point. It’s the same thing, once I start and I get the taste for them, it’s over.

I’ve been known to sit and eat three family bags of them one after the other when I was gripped by a binge, usually followed by something sweet to finish with. And you know whilst the concept of that feels very alien to me from this perspective of food sobriety, my God there are times where I just want to melt into my big fat recliner and vaporise my own body weight in crap. I won’t…but sometimes I really want to.

Which brings me back to the train and Rip Van sodding Winkle across the way there with his half eaten bar of Galaxy. On a scale of one to ten, exactly how wrong is it of me to hope it bloody chokes him?

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Is It Me You’re Looking For..?

In the here & now

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I know I have a few readers who are fellow bloggers and like to pop in and digest our daily chatter, and if you’re  one of them you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. For those of you who like to read rather than write, let me share with you a bit about what we can see from our side of the desk.

When you create a website, you have access to the analytics, in other words you get to look through a window and see how many visitors you’ve had, where they came from and how many of your pages they looked at whilst they were on your site…all that good stuff. Pretty much anything you want to know is in there somewhere if you care to look.

I’ve always been fascinated by the data. Right from the early days I’ve been giddy about the numbers, and I still get a buzz when I see that my site is busy with lots of people mooching through the blog posts and generally enjoying the chatter. My favourite thing though, is to look at the search engine box. It tells me how people find me, and it’s very often hilarious.

If people landed on my site through typing something into a search engine like Google or Bing, I can see which search engine directed them to me, and I can also see what they typed into the search engine. So for example if someone typed ‘Break Out The Skinny Girl’, they’d arrive knowing pretty much what to expect, you know?

So what if they typed ‘look at girls fat bums’…I suspect landing on the post Does My Bum Look Big In This? might not be quite what they’d hoped to find. I can imagine the poor bloke – I assume – sitting in Perth Australia with a salacious grin, and looking forward to a morning’s entertainment only to be presented with a debate about insecurities. Bless him.

Or what about the person in Southampton who keyed in FAT GIRLFIRNED GETING FLIRTED WITH…again, I’m not sure that Fat Flirting offered up the ‘who’s that at the door’ movie reel I suspect he was really after. How I hate to disappoint people…narf narf…

The one that made me laugh the most was the person in Germany who searched for the skinny asshole Blog, I mean way to go Google for delivering them straight into the arms of the posse…that’s not a bad guess, and they might have even intended to land in our pages for that one. I don’t imagine anyone actually writes a blog about a skinny asshole. Although I guess you never know, right..?

These are the tame ones…I’m here to tell you they get a lot more fruity than that and I can’t help wishing I could see the look on the face of the chaps behind the more (ahem) adventurous search requests when their search engine returns nothing more than the emptied-out contents of my head.

Tell you what though, I love the fact that after almost six months, these daily blog posts are getting so weaved into the web of the on-line world, that people are finding us by accident. That’s as cool as it gets!

I’m doing a trek to Cuba in October, to raise money in memory of my dad. You can read his story HERE and I would be so grateful if you’d help me honour his memory by donating whatever you can afford so together we can make a difference and help other people who have been affected by mental illness. Thank you!

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