Category Archives: In the here & now

Dragging It Out Of The Bag

In the here & now, ,

trip

Do you ever get that feeling that you’re ever so slightly out of control? Just recently I seem to be juggling stuff with an ever-increasing reliance on blind faith that things will work out fine, rather than laying proper foundations to make sure I can bring it all home. And you know so far I’ve lucky and the wheels haven’t come off but it’s getting a bit too close for comfort.

I got home late ish last night after a six hour round trip with a full day’s work sandwiched in-between. And my day had sub-inbetweens too, for example in between conference sessions I managed to tuck myself away in a corner and write a full competency-based interview for some recruitment that I’m involved in tomorrow, and ticked one or two other bits of stuff off my ‘to do’ list. All that, on the back of a pretty tough day the day before, but necessary because I knew I wouldn’t have time today. And so it goes on, it just feels relentless at the moment.

As for the thoughts I love to share with you lot as part of the process of sorting out my head spam, way back in the early days I used to have three or four blog posts marinating all the time, slow-cooking if you like, to the point where they were tender and tasty and just needed seasoning with the odd word here or there before I was ready to let one of them go.

These days you’re far more likely to see me sketching something out when I climb into bed and letting it marinate overnight, so I wake up with my head bursting with words all trying to come out at the same time. I pull them into some semblance of order before I get up and at my day, and then usually dive back in at the end of the day to kick them around a bit more before I’m happy, and ready to push the button.

Lately I’ve been last minute dot com with my finances too. I’m normally pretty good at balancing the books, because I use a piece of software that tells me what’s coming in and going out, and at any point of the month what I’ve got to spend versus what’s already allocated for this or that. And it works brilliantly, if you actually key in what you’ve spent. Thing is, I haven’t touched it for at least a couple of months…so I’ve sort of got a vague idea that I’ll hopefully make it to payday without quite running out of money, but I’m not 100% sure.

I’m tired, and I’m so ready for a break from work just to catch up with myself and take a breath, you know? There’s a four day weekend just around the corner and I’ve never been so glad at the prospect of a few days’ down-time. I feel like I really need it.

How on earth, in the middle of what’s starting to feel like utter chaos, I’ve managed to pull it out of the bag where my food plan is concerned is a little bit beyond me. Or drag it out of the bag, which is probably a little more accurate. On reflection, I reckon it’s all to do with posse power. I can’t think of a single other pressurised time in my life where I haven’t reached for food to alleviate some of the stress, whereas now you’re my secret weapon.

One sniff of temptation and I find that my blood runs cold when I think about how I might have to tell you all about the way I face-planted into a bag of cheeseballs. About how they happened to be in my cupboard because during my weekly shop I was forced to make the purchase by the Asshole voice, on a for-emergencies-only basis, obviously never intending to eat them but it’s a good job I did because only five minutes after getting home and locking the door behind me I had an unexpected emergency and well, thank goodness I had them to hand.

Then I think about the response I’d get from all of you, and how it wouldn’t be in any way pretty. So I find a different way to deal with the pressure. I try and laugh at it. Throwing stuff works too, and I’ve even shocked myself with an occasional bit of over-ripe language falling out of my potty mouth. But no cheeseballs get consumed, and despite the chaos my food plan holds firm.

I don’t think I tell you enough how grateful I am. You’re making such a difference to the way I’m managing this journey, truly I couldn’t do it without you guys. You are the oasis of calm in the maelstrom that is my life at the moment, and the single biggest reason that I’ve not fallen into a ditch on the side of this road to Skinny Town.

Just…thank you 🙂

 

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And Then You Get Days Like This!

In the here & now

pooh

Yeah well I spoke too soon didn’t I…trust me to bang on about what a lovely weekend I’d had and how great I was feeling, and what a turbo-charged week I was going to have. Clearly my sunny mood pissed off somebody somewhere, and the law of sod yesterday delivered a chunk of frustration and stress just to counter-balance all the joy and loveliness I wrapped myself up in this weekend. Talk about degrees of light and shade…next time I feel really happy I’ll mime it, right? Keep my big mouth shut!

So the plan yesterday was that I’d work from home until mid-afternoon, and then head out – I’ve been involved in a big off-site meeting for our retail team today, at a venue around three hours’ drive away from home, so I’d arranged to travel and stay overnight last night at a nearby hotel so I was refreshed and ready for today’s session.

As things turned out I was up against the clock on a piece of work that just kept on growing arms and legs as I was doing it, it turned into a proper monster. It was pretty much 11pm last night before I finally got it done, by which time I’d been sitting sat my desk for around fifteen hours. Want to know how many steps I did yesterday? Two hundred and ninety nine. Point one four of a mile. My brain on the other hand felt like it’d run a marathon, I was mentally mashed.

It just wouldn’t go right, you know? I kept getting bogged down in details that didn’t seem to add up. Woman versus spreadsheet and after a couple of hours I’m here to tell you the spreadsheet was not the one on the ropes. What I came to realise as the day went on, was that changing and tweaking stuff on the master document is all very well, but if you then imagine some kind of spreadsheet fairy is going to fly in and update any corresponding affiliated documents you tend to come a bit unstuck.

When I compared them all as a final cross-check, nothing made sense. I wish I’d counted the number of blind alleys I turned down, good grief I ought to be awarded some kind of medal for sheer determination in getting the dratted thing finished. Or the grand muppetry medal for getting myself in such a pickle to begin with.

The thing is, my boss needed to go through the detail with his boss today, who happens to be the Chief Exec, and both of them are as sharp as a blade you know? Mistakes would’ve jumped off the page, smacked them on the nose, and then returned to sender to bite me in the ass so I needed it to be perfect.

Consequently, I was so absorbed in what I was doing, not only did I hardly move, my eating was also meh. I stayed within points, but I can’t say I really enjoyed my food yesterday which infuriates me, since every mouthful should be precious. I pretty much just grazed at my desk all day. And, it got too late to drive south, so whilst it was great going to sleep in my own bed, it effectively meant I had to be up with the larks for a three hour drive this morning, and shortly I’ll need to do the same in reverse at the end of what has been another really tiring day. Beautiful!

It’s interesting how much easier clean eating and exercise are when you’re not up against a whole pile of pressure you know? I felt it a bit yesterday, I’m not going to lie. My mum picked out a pack of all-butter shortbread at the supermarket on Sunday, and when my boy unpacked the shopping he assumed they were for us. I spied them in the cupboard first thing yesterday – of course I did, it’s like sugar telepathy – and intermittently throughout the day my mind poked around the possibility of opening the pack. I could almost taste them.

I didn’t though, I resisted. Me 1: Asshole Nil. However, as I wearily climbed the stairs last night he equalised…despite the fact that I’d been sat on my arse all day I point blank ignored the hurt machine and launched myself straight into bed. We ended the day with scores on the door of 1:1.

Today, has been better. Tiring but not a spreadsheet in sight, and that in itself is a cause for celebration. Oh, and I won’t tell anybody about the piece of coffee cake at lunchtime if you don’t…it was worth a chunk of points even if it was a bit naughty ?

 

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A Tank Full Of Ooomph

In the here & now, , , ,

joy

Yesterday was a brilliant day. You know how every so often you just get one of those days where everything hangs together perfectly, and you feel chock full to the brim with wellbeing? I woke up feeling refreshed – my friend and I had spent three hours getting wrinkly in the hot tub the night before, catching up with each others’ news on what was a gorgeous cold clear night – perfect hot tub weather. So I was relaxed when I went to bed, and I slept like a log.

I did worry, as I walked the green mile towards the bitch in the bathroom yesterday morning that I might be a bit waterlogged from the night before and therefore weighing heavy – yes I know it’s a ridiculous thought but by now you ought to know the kind of places my head tries to take me to. Anyway, I worried for nothing, and once I’d moved the scale to the third tile on the right, next to the bath (her most compliant spot) and kind of tested the water with just one eye open, I jumped on and off happily three more times just to keep reading the number 🙂

As I walked Charlie dog later in the morning, I decided not to wear a coat. The sun was shining, I was just in shirtsleeves, and there was nothing covering my backside. I mean, don’t take that literally…pants, obviously…but there was no jacket shielding the world from the rear view of my arse end as it wobbled its way up the hill, looking for all the world I’m sure like puppies fighting in a sack. And what’s more, I didn’t even give it a thought. That, my friends, is progress.

I couldn’t help feeling just a tiny bit excited, as I got to the top of the mile-long hill on our walk with breath in my lungs to spare, at the thought that this year I might not be facing another miserable summer like the last few. I haven’t graduated from black pants yet, which have been my wardrobe staple for the last five years at least, even on the hottest of summer days. But this year I just might, you know?

I can’t wait to feel cool and together on a warm day instead of sweating like a stuck pig, with chafing thighs and swollen feet whilst everyone else sashays around enjoying the feeling of the sun and a light breeze on their skin. And I know it’s going to be next summer before I get the full benefit of a skinny body, but I’m already more than fifty pounds down on last year…in a couple more months I hope to be touching seventy. I’m one third of the way through my journey and by the time we hit holidays in August I’m hoping to be way past the halfway point.

I still have to keep pinching myself, you know? I’m actually doing this! Cue massive cheesy grin!

I don’t know whether it’s the affirmation that I’m back on track, or the lovely spring-like weather over the weekend but something has filled my tank with oomph, and I feel full of the joys of spring. Full of hope…yes, that’s the word. Hope.

I’m still trying it on for size but early indications are that it’s a bloody awesome feeling 🙂

 

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Getting My Priorities Right

In the here & now, , ,

time

One of the things I’m really good at is finding stuff that I like to do, and then liberally using the excuse that I’ve been too busy doing that stuff to get to the stuff that I really should do. I’ve never known anyone that can burn time in quite the same way I can, you know? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not wasting time exactly…I’m just not making the most of it. And then I wonder why there’s never enough hours in the day to do the stuff I need to do.

I’m finding it really hard to strike a balance at the moment. I know myself well enough to realise that if I try and put myself on a timetable for my free time, it’ll get the third finger treatment before the ink’s even dry. I don’t like to live on the clock at the weekend, which feels like it should be my time to do what I want and just enjoy it. To be fair it’s the one thing me and the committee inside my head sort of agree on.

It’s a theme though, isn’t it? For those amongst you who know me best, you’ll have twigged some time ago that if something gets my attention, it gets all of it. But getting my attention in the first place might not be easy, and even when I’m across the line it might not last very long, depending on how much I enjoy/need whatever it is we’re talking about. And then there’s the question of whether enjoyment trumps need, in terms of allocation of time. In my book yes, every time. But that’s not necessarily a grown-up thought process, is it?

Let’s take this morning as an example. I woke up about 7.30am. I spent five minutes tickling Charlie-dog’s ears and then, determined to get up and at my day ended up back in bed where I spent the next 90 minutes immersed in my on-line life. Checked in to the blog and answered a few emails, did a bit of site maintenance and had a mooch though the blogosphere.

Once I made it downstairs, I went outside to see how the temperature was coming on in the hot tub, I’ve arranged a chilled out catch up with one of my best friends who’s coming over later so I filled it yesterday and it’s looking good. I got distracted just fannying around in the garden, and burned another half an hour.

I got distracted again in the kitchen, where I read a bit of the paper on-line before wandering back into the blog and kicking around some thoughts about blog posts I’d like to write, and in the meantime ten and eleven o’clock both came and went un-noticed…I was still in pyjamas at this point, and the dog was wearing a resigned look.

As I write this, somewhere along the way I’ve managed to get dressed and eat a late breakfast, but it’s now 1pm, and I’ve burned half a day, essentially doing nothing. I haven’t walked Charlie yet, I haven’t gone anywhere near the pile of stuff I’d planned to get on eBay this morning and as I drifted off to sleep last night I’d decided that was my absolute priority today. Yes, it’s the same pile of stuff I’ve been tripping over since my big wardrobe clear-out what, a month ago? Longer than that I think. They’re in my way, they’re driving me nuts, and yet I can guarantee they’ll still be there on Monday.

I guess where I’m going with this – for those of you who are still awake, and wondering – it’s like all those diets over the years that I meant to get around to starting, but just didn’t quite because something always came along and furnished me with an excuse to put it off for another week. The more I delve into the corners of my head, the more I come to realise that there are certain character traits which sort of underpin who I am, and recognising that explains a lot.

It’s a good thing, as it stands. I makes me less inclined to blame myself, and more likely to understand and be a bit less unforgiving, you know? It doesn’t mean I don’t need a good kick up the bum to get going – clearly I do – but lightening up on the blame lessens the guilt, and without guilt, recriminations lose the power to push you further into that bad place where feeling worthless is the order of the day.

Actually, I feel pretty good today. There’s a shiny new Weight Watchers week with my name on it just waiting to be opened in the morning, and tonight will be fun. Now I’m off to walk the furry one…it’s a beautiful day and it will be good to get moving. Better late than never, right?

Happy Saturday peeps 🙂

 

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Starting The Week Off Wrong

In the here & now, ,

crap

For those of you that have been following the blog for a while, you’ve probably started to get the measure of me, right? You’ll know that I’m a perfectionist whose buttons get well and truly pushed when something’s not exactly as I want it to be. And this week has got right up my nose. I think, because it started badly.

I felt wrong-footed, if you know what I mean. Normally, I unpack every shiny new Weight Watchers week with reverence, sort of take it out of the box on a Sunday morning after my encounter with the bitch in the bathroom and admire its shiny newness. I get excited about the way I might spend my points, in the way that we all feel just after payday when the coffers are replenished and we can stop flirting with the overdraft.

When I actually used to go to fat class instead of the on-line programme that I’m doing now, I was never one of the ones who sprinted out of the Weight Watchers meeting and headed directly to the chippy. There were plenty of folk who used to do that, they even had a look-out system going in case the leader drove past on her way home and saw them all inside. Like she didn’t know.

These were the same folk who queued up for a wee immediately before weigh-in to make sure they weren’t carrying a single ounce about their person that could be shed before standing on the scales. But when it came to their chippy tea immediately after class, well they had a whole week to get rid of the evidence you know?

Me, I sort of do it the other way around. I like knowing that I’ve got points in the bank so to speak. I can draw on them if I need to but I’ll eke them out as long as possible so I don’t ever feel cornered by the realisation that I can’t have whatever no matter how badly I want it because I’ve got nothing left to buy it with. It’s kind of damage limitation, because if I’m points poor, the cravings are ten times more powerful when they hit.

I’m exactly the same with money. I spend far more in week three or four of the month than I ever do in week one or two, so I don’t have the stress of worrying that I might run out…I like to get a couple of weeks in, see how the month’s shaping up you know? If the shit hasn’t hit the fan by week three I might indulge in a little retail therapy.

This week, my throw-caution-to-the-wind-because-the-bitch-upset-me-again decision to eat a family bag of Maltesers on day one of my shiny new week put a serious hole in the number of extra weekly points I’m allowed and I’ve had to dance around every other single tasty morsel this week giving extra care to how I spent my smart points.

Because I started the week off wrong by front-loading my food budget, it’s like my worst case scenario has played on a loop all week. I fancy a bit of that – how many points – really that many? – can’t afford it – can’t have it then – want it though – forget about it – REALLY want it now, AARGH! I’m sure you know exactly what I mean.

Still. Just because the week had a bad start doesn’t mean it has to have a bad finish, right? I’ve reached Friday night with one weekly point remaining in the bank, my daily points still nailed on and a shiny new week waiting for me on Sunday morning.

I have a friend coming over tomorrow night for a hot tub and a long-awaited catch-up, and I’ll need to steer clear of the prosecco, which is where my weekly points should have been spent…but I can’t spend them twice so I’ll just have to suck it up and learn another one of these thorny little lessons.

They all move us forward, right?

ps…we have a brand new guest post today courtesy of Autumn…she tells her story beautifully, and you can check it out HERE. I made a new page to host our Guest Spot archives too, it seems a shame to rub them out!

 

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