Category Archives: In the here & now

Cruising Skinny-Girl Style…

In the here & now, ,

It suddenly occurred to me just before the weekend that I’ve got a holiday coming up in a couple of weeks…I’ve been so preoccupied with the trek, and everything related to it like my fitness classes and all the walking, that whilst I hadn’t exactly forgotten about my holiday, I’ve not really given it any thought at all.

The friend who I’m going with has been island-hopping in Greece for the last two weeks so we’ve not been doing our usual giddy countdown, which is probably why it’s only just hit my radar. She’s back now though, and we spent a couple of happy hours on the phone last night planning all the detail. We’re cruising from Southampton up through the Norwegian Fjords, which has been a long-standing feature on my bucket list…the scenery will be absolutely breathtaking.

I can’t help reflecting how different things are compared to last year. My friend and I tend to like a mixture of planned sightseeing and then doing stuff under our own steam. Being herded around and following a guide with a flag held aloft drives me bat shit crazy, but sometimes in order to get to see the things you want to see in the short time the ship is in port you have to bite the bullet and just put up with it. But last year, oh my GOD I was miserable on the tour days.

It didn’t help that having eaten myself to the brink of disability, walking was painful. I needed to sit down for a rest every few minutes and I actually started to dread getting off the ship. Some days I even chose not to, and I stayed in the spa area all day instead and had food and drinks delivered to my sun lounger the banner of relaxation.

As well as a handful of organised trips, we did lots of the hop-on-hop-off bus tours in the places we visited, but if I’m honest there wasn’t an awful lot of hopping off going on. Seat safely bagged, I was happy to sit there all day. My poor friend. I was such a shit companion. Don’t get me wrong, we did have a great time and I loved being away, in fact it was an awesome trip but man, it was hard work.

Last night we established that all four of the places we’re visiting on our week-long cruise are very easy to navigate on foot, unlike some cruises where your ship docks in some grotty port miles away from anything pretty or interesting. So this year, navigating on foot is exactly what we’re planning to do. We’re going to walk. Well, all except one of the days where I’ve booked an excursion on my own, because my friend didn’t fancy it…it’s a hike, up a mountain in the Fjords to go see a waterfall. Three and a half hours, tough going, some steep inclines…I’m all over it, and I can’t wait.

This year, essential packing will include walking boots and socks, gym gear so I can work out and join some of the exercise classes on board, and whilst of course I’ll enjoy the cuisine I am one hundred percent determined to weigh the same when I get off the ship as I do when I get on. No open season, no all-bets-off mentality – lets face it, when I get back on terra firma the trek will be just five weeks away. I can’t afford to slip, not even a little bit.

But you know what, I’m not worried about it, in fact I’m really looking forward to the challenge of making the holiday fit what I need it to be…after all, we’ve already established that I’m in this for the long game. For the rest of my life I need to find a way to stay in the mindset of healthy, vibrant and disciplined so I’d better get used to it, right? I choose to be that person. I don’t want to be that morbidly obese passenger from last year who held court on her sun lounger because getting off it was too much effort. I could weep for that lady.

I’m going to wring every last drop of enjoyment out of this holiday, and of course that includes some relaxation. I’m tired, and I’m ready to chill my boots. I’ll recline on my sun lounger in a shady spot and read two or three books, and I’ll indulge with a cheeky Pimms or two because that’s what holidays are for…but not before I’ve sweated my cahoonies off in the gym, or walked a good few miles around and about wherever we happen to be. Last year’s lazy lady is one hundred percent gone.

And as for the two formal nights…well, bring on the bling. I can’t wear my trusty evening outfit, you know the one I wore to the Blog Awards..? It’s too big now and I flogged it on eBay along with the rest of my fat-girl duds 🙂

But don’t worry…it just so happens that I’ve indulged myself with one or two new things…needs must, eh?

Like it..? Tell your friends!
 

Did I Really Miss It?

In the here & now

It’s funny you know, when it dawned on me last week that I was actually missing the sessions down in the Kingdom of Pain as I rested my neck, I did ponder long and hard about whether I was only desperate to go because I’d been told I couldn’t, or whether I did actually miss it. It’s sort of human nature to want what we can’t have, and I’m really really good at that.

Let me give you an example…a couple of weeks ago I was working in London, and about fifteen minutes into the train journey on the way there, the catering manager came over the PA system and apologised for the fact that there were no hot drinks available from the trolley service because the urn was broken. Now, if I tell you that in all the years I’ve spent buzzing up and down the East Coast mainline, I’ve never purchased a single hot drink, you’d rightly assume that this malfunctioning urn wouldn’t exactly put a crimp in my day, right?

Wrong. From the minute those words settled into my ears, all I wanted was a steaming cup of coffee, and I sat and seethed to myself at the prospect of having to go without. As the trolley made its way down the carriage towards me, I thought of all the put-downs I could use if the trolly dolly had the audacity to ask whether I wanted anything…well yes, as it happens. I wanted coffee. But *gritted teeth* I can’t have it, can I? Disappointing…*shakes head* I mean it’s just not good enough. Poor woman was obviously at the mercy of the wonky urn so of course I didn’t say anything, but still I seethed like a mardy child.

Thing is, I didn’t want coffee until someone told me I couldn’t have it. And from there it’s all I wanted. Is it just me, or do you lot do that too? I’ve always been a bit the same, in fact I think it’s one of the reasons that the wheels have come off my attempts to lose weight over and over and over again down the years.

The feeling of wanting what I can’t have has overwhelmed me so many times when I’ve been ‘on a diet’. I’ve found myself becoming utterly pre-occupied with the things I can’t have rather than focusing on the things that I can eat ’till the cows come home, and eventually it’s tipped me over the edge into another dieting fail.

So after missing a week’s worth of sessions and feeling aggrieved that I couldn’t go, the acid test was always going to be how I felt when I went back to my first class last weekend, and I’m happy to report that yes, I actually wanted to be there. Enjoyed being there. I mean don’t get me wrong, I still grunted my way through the dratted kettle bell exercises, and sweated my cahoonies off as I moved from one torture station to the next, but what I’ve come to a genuine appreciation of is the fact that I can now move.

More and more, the difference between my old life and this new active healthy life is clear and present. I feel good, I’m looking better and that big old penny has finally dropped, you know?  The link between cause and effect is very obvious, in fact it’s right under my nose.

I do this, and I get this.

So I’m embracing the cause, as well as the effect. I’m loving the effect, which in turn is actually making the cause more lovable. And it’s a place I never believed I’d get to, which makes it all the more precious. I only stuck at this whole exercise malarkey because of my commitment to do the trek. I only committed to the trek because I knew it would force me to stick to my diet. I pegged my long term goal from all angles and look what happened…it’s working.

My advice to anyone who’s having a wobble would be decide what you want, and go after it with everything you’ve got. It’s worth it, and so are you 🙂

By the way, did I mention that thanks to the awesome support from both you lot and my friends and colleagues I’ve hit my fundraising target…? To all of you who’ve supported me with that, genuinely thank you from the very bottom of my soul. That said, the only thing better than hitting a target is exceeding it…hehehe 🙂

 

Like it..? Tell your friends!
 

A New Found Respect

In the here & now, , ,

I had such a good day yesterday…I can say with a degree of certainty that any residual pain  would barely qualify as a stiff neck, and even my legs worked okay…pity I couldn’t make the same claim on Monday, holy crap I was stiff after Saturday’s ten mile hike. More so on Monday than Sunday for some weird reason, it’s like they lulled me into a false sense of security before they pulled a big fat ouch out of the bag.

That worries me a bit, to be honest…its only nine weeks and three days until we depart for Cuba, and I’ve got to walk further than I did on Saturday, for five days on the bounce. With the added buggeration factor of heat and bugs…the Asshole voice keeps chipping away in the background as part of his business-as-usual campaign to undermine my confidence and make me doubt myself but he’s not really getting anywhere with it. Most of the time anyway. I’m throwing everything I’ve got at this, and I’m as determined as ever. I can do this.

Anyway, I mentioned that I’d spent a few hours at the hospital last weekend didn’t I..? I’d rocked up after taking advice from the NHS helpline with a serious pain in my neck and no ability to move my head at all, and in order to diagnose the problem they had to check me from head to toe, including all the usual observations.

They tried to take some blood, and I had to pre-warn them that my veins don’t like to give up so much as a drop without a fight. Apparently it’s because I’m fat. So sayeth the doctors anyway. That doctor. He was actually very nice, along with the medical student who was with him. And let’s be honest, he wasn’t wrong, I mean I am fat. If further proof was needed, they then attempted to take my blood pressure, and the cuff was too small…it kept pinging open. They had to go get the fat-girl cuff.

Cringe…I sat there trying to decide whether I had enough energy left to be offended/pissed off/mortified at the indignity of it all, but for once there was no voice in my head encouraging me down the road of self-pity. I suspect I was too focused on getting through the consultation, you know? They’d already told me that I wouldn’t get meds to wipe the pain until they’d ruled out non-muscular related issues, so I was very compliant in the hope that they’d just hurry the fuck up.

I couldn’t help thinking that this time last year I’d have been devastated when the young doctor stepped back into the cubicle with the fat-girl blood pressure cuff…it’s the ER equivalent of an airplane seatbelt extension, offered up to the fat lady by a young version of Doctor McDreamy. This time, I didn’t much care, to be honest – I even joked with my boy about it as I sat huddled in the cubicle trying to see the funny side of anything in order to take my mind off all the hurting.

What struck me was the change that washed over the young Doctor as he took my medical history.  As he went through his list of questions, I started talking to him about how I might have hurt myself – the day before I’d done two exercise classes, and I told him all about trying to get fit…about the circuit training, and the boxing, and the walking and about the trek and the reasons why I was doing it.

I can’t pinpoint the exact moment he stopped looking at me as a fat old woman with a face screwed up in pain, and saw instead a strong determined woman who was turning her life inside out to achieve a goal, not to mention risking life and limb in the process. But there was a definite shift in his perception…it was tangible.

As I shuffled in, he probably thought I’d strained myself reaching for the hob-nobs but by the time we left, diagnosed and drugged up to the eyeballs, I felt like I’d earned his respect. He’d clocked the grit and the determination and suddenly it felt like I was forgiven for being fat.

I can’t really call him on it, right? It wasn’t until it dawned on me that I was really going to see this this through that I started to feel respect for myself…I’ve got to tell you though, when you’re used to folk looking at you with anything on a sliding scale from pity to contempt, seeing respect in someone’s eyes when they look at you is very powerful.

I quite like it 🙂

 

 

Like it..? Tell your friends!
 

From Zero To Hero

In the here & now, , ,

Oh my days it’s good to be here. I missed you guys!

It’s been the strangest and longest week, this forced hiatus from our regular chats, but genuinely I was in such a lot of pain last weekend that I didn’t need telling twice to follow the physio’s instructions to the letter…no laptop meant no laptop. It’s something to do with the position my shoulders and neck have to arrange themselves into, in order to be able to type…apparently it’s not good, especially if you’re nursing a sore neck to start with.

She wanted me laid flat, only getting up on the hour every hour to do my neck exercises and then back to studying the ceiling again whilst I rested. I did that from Tuesday lunchtime for a full 48 hours until my second appointment, by which time I could move again much more easily. And from there, it’s been getting better at practically warp speed.

On Friday I joined my work colleagues for a full day’s team building event which had been in the diary for a few weeks, I was so glad I could make it although to be fair I did sit around for a lot of it whilst they took the piss out of my lopsided demeanour, the rotten lot. We had a great time but I was toast by the end of the day, you know?

That said, some kind of sorcery was afoot between going to bed on Friday early evening and opening my eyes on Saturday because I woke up feeling almost back to normal. I was able to join a bunch of my Kingdom of Pain buddies on a walk we’d pre-arranged as part of their collective efforts to get me over that mountain…I can’t even tell you how relieved I felt at not having to wimp out, especially when it had kind of been arranged in the first place for my benefit.

Anyway, we ended up doing my longest walk yet at around ten miles, much of which wasn’t easy walking for a fat lass with a body held together by chewing gum. Some really steep endless hills, uneven ground and lots and lots of steps. But we did it, and I’m here to tell you that the sense of achievement afterwards was epic. Even though my arse was dragging and my feet ached and it felt like I had lead in my boots for the last mile or so, I wouldn’t have changed a thing.

At one point, somewhere in the middle after we’d climbed some really steep never-ending wonky steps up what felt like the side of Mount Everest, I swear I thought I was going to throw up. But it passed, and I didn’t. You just push through it, right?

It was the weirdest thing, to go from two days of forced inactivity to one of my biggest physical challenges yet, sort of like zero to hero in one fell swoop. But listen, here’s what’s even weirder…all the time I was on enforced bed-rest, I was wishing I was anywhere but there. However, not once, even when the going was really tough on that walk did I wish I was back in my comfy bed. I was enjoying myself. Imagine that.

Yesterday I was stiff, and it took a while to limber up…I got up for a wee in the night and literally had to hang onto whatever bits of furniture I could find to get to the bathroom without falling in a heap because everything, and I mean everything hurt. But when I got up properly, I stretched, and loosened it all up, and went to my first post-injury exercise class. Then I put in a full shift entertaining my mum, did a load of washing and the weekly shop as well as another three and a half miles walking with the dog.

All in all, not bad considering this time last week I pretty much couldn’t move. I guess when you look after your body, it looks after you, right? I’m oddly happy with my weird week, and despite missing you guys I worked it out, you know? I worked out the kinks and did what I had to do, and I came out of the other side stronger than ever. Sure-footed.

Oh, and did I mention…? Another three pounds lighter.

It’s great to be back 🙂

Like it..? Tell your friends!
 

Missing You Already!

In the here & now

So things went from bad to worse in the neck department…after just about four days of agony I couldn’t take any more, and after a complete sense of humour failure this morning I threw myself on the mercy of a good physiotherapist. It seems I have a badly inflamed disc in my neck, and the muscles have locked down in a big fat spasm to try and protect it which is why nothing from the shoulders up is working.

I’ve got to be honest, as I laid there on the couch and she did her thing, I considered the possibility that she was actually trying to kill me. But, now I’m home and over the shock it feels a tiny bit easier.

Upshot is, I’m under orders. No exercise (apart from the ones she has given me for my neck), and complete rest, so no work and especially no laptop…which means no blog 🙁 

That’s like being grounded and having all my toys removed…what on earth will I do?

I have more physio booked in for Thursday, and hopefully towards the end of the week I’ll be back in action…until then I’ll miss you guys like mad. But this really bloody hurts, so much as it pains me I’m following the rules!

Thanks for all your messages…promise I’ll be back soon, and in the meantime lots of love to you all 🙂

Like it..? Tell your friends!