Category Archives: Freeform thoughts

Police, Fire, Ambulance, Me.

Biggest struggles, Freeform thoughts, ,

help

Are you good in a crisis? I am – I sort of come into my own. I reckon lots of my friends would be able to give you examples of me mopping up tears, putting band aids on broken hearts and dispensing the occasional nugget of wisdom over the years. It’s just kind of what I do. I’ve got one or two friends who, I’m not going to lie, have sometimes made my heart sink when I’ve seen their number come up on my caller ID. Because I just knew that it was going to be another drama, which would be really similar to the last one, and which I’d have to live through with them in glorious Technicolor as they settled down to give me every last detail.

One friend in particular, who I’m not really in touch with any more was especially great at calling me somewhere north of midnight on at least two Saturdays each month, after a blazing row with her boyfriend. Between slurps of wine, she’d replay his latest transgression and agonise over what she should do, what it meant, what he might do next, what she should do next, why her…you know the story. I could have answered all those questions right off the bat as it happens – he’s a twat. Get rid of him. The End.

I didn’t, of course. I listened…because that’s what friends do, right? I was proud of the fact that my friends knew they could come to me when they needed support. It was like a badge of honour you know? Besides, I was sure they’d do the same for me…except I never tested the theory. Ah hang on a minute, there was one time when I forgot to put the number five guard back on the hair clippers after cleaning them, and shaved a stripe up the back of my little boy’s head one Sunday night when he was about ten.

Not an age where a wonky bald stripe is a cool thing to have let’s be honest. A very good friend of mine managed to rustle up an emergency hairdresser from her contacts list within thirty minutes and disaster was, if not averted certainly disguised very well…cut in I think she called it.  I mean it still looked ridiculous but he didn’t have to wear the hat for quite as long as he would’ve had to otherwise. I never tested the theory more widely than that though. I’m more of a story-teller after the event, with some wry humour chucked in for good measure.

It was only years later, during a particularly enlightening therapy session with my hooky spooky magic lady that she gently steered me around to the realisation that by constantly acting as the rescuer, the fourth emergency service to my friends if you like, I was able to focus on everyone else’s issues and in the meantime mine remained unresolved. I was a classic case apparently. Who knew?

I need to be needed. It’s one of my things you know?  It’s always felt like an anchor to keep me connected to the people who matter to me. But when the shit hits the fan in my life, I don’t reach out for help, ever. I just get on with it. I cope. Then I eat my feelings, get a bit fatter and continue looking out for everyone else. Essentially I deny my friends the opportunity to support me. And when you put it like that, how is that a balanced friendship? It’s not…it can’t be.

The people in my life who love me, would support me till the end of time, if I allowed them to. I’d have no need to medicate things which hurt me with food. I could be the one on the phone at 3am, hot tears and snot mingling with cabernet sauvignon as I hiccupped my way through the action replay of my own drama in glorious Technicolor whilst they lost the will to live, and dispensed words of wisdom.

Thing is, it’s one thing recognising that, and another thing doing it, right? Once an island, always an island…I might need to work on that a while longer 🙂

 

Like it..? Tell your friends!
 

The Sorry See-Saw

Freeform thoughts, ,

soz

After I’d written the ‘unsubscribe’ post a couple of days ago, several of you reached out and offered words of reassurance that if people had unsubscribed from our mailing list, it wasn’t because of anything I’d done, or said. And I love that you wanted to reassure me – I promise I get it…really I do. Much as I love to imagine that the world revolves around me, of course I know it doesn’t. On a rational level I can recognise that I was looking for a reason to accept responsibility for someone else’s choices, and even I can appreciate that’s bonkers. And yet. It’s not the first time I’ve done it – and it’s much more likely to happen when I’m fat.

The subscriber list wasn’t a ‘thing’…but it did serve as a classic example of me assuming that someone was leaving town because of something I did. Jumping to the conclusion that I’d done something wrong, that it was somehow my fault. But don’t you think, when your self esteem is quite low, the opinion you have of yourself sort of clouds the way you look at stuff..? Lots of stuff.

Believing that someone has chosen a course of action because of something I’ve done is bad enough. What’s even worse is when something really goes wrong, and I immediately assume that it’s my fault. I’d hazard a guess I’m not the only one who does that too, right? I’m sometimes hit right between the eyes with the need to apologise but to be honest it’s more like a weird kind of reflex, because often I’m not actually sure what I’m apologising for.

The two opposite ends of the apology spectrum seem to be; those people who never say sorry, ever. Even when they’ve got both feet planted firmly in stoopid. Cemented into place, underneath a neon sign flashing the words ‘in the wrong’ but ready to deny it till their last breath. And then there are those people who aren’t in the wrong at all. They are bang on the money but will freely apologise to anyone who’ll listen because somebody, somewhere was in the wrong, and their default setting is to assume that they’re probably it. Normal well-adjusted people sit somewhere in the middle because..well, they’re normal.

Imagine it as a see-saw…where do you sit? Me, I tend to balance somewhere between the middle and the apologetic end. However, not unusually for a fat girl, I dominate the see-saw completely when I’m at my heaviest. Weighing down the apologetic end of the plank, leaving my opposite number high and dry, watching the need to apologise for being in the wrong cascade down the see-saw towards me. They’re happy, I’m happy. They’re absolved from being sorry, because all the sorry’s at my end, with me, even though by rights it should be theirs.

What I should be doing, is a nifty ninja roll off the sorry see-saw. I’m better than that you know? If I screw up, of course the sorry sits with me and it’s a fair cop. But otherwise..? No, you muppet.

And I’ve tried to think of legitimate reasons why I should apologise for the choices I make, that other people don’t like, or approve of. And weirdly, I can’t think of a single reason why I should. If it’s an opinion I have, a turn of phrase that I use or a bit of over-ripe language that pops out to drive home a point, as long as it’s authentic and real, it’s okay. I mean it’s really okay. People who appreciate me would more than likely pick authentic over vanilla every time, at least I think they would.

And if they don’t, well I don’t need to worry about it. Because what I do and say is my responsibility, and my choice to make, and what other people think about it is theirs, right?

Another little bit of the jigsaw just fell into place for me 🙂

Like it..? Tell your friends!
 

It’s All About The Peas

Freeform thoughts, In the here & now,

peas

So I’ve been thrown a bit off-kilter this last week by some crappy personal stuff I’ve got going on – I know it’ll resolve itself one way or the other but it’s brought into focus just how easy it is for the sort of stuff that comes at you from left field to knock you off the rails you know? I clung on for dear life – you guys saw my mid-week wobble – but if I’m being completely honest I didn’t help the situation by a severe case last weekend of can’t-be-arsed-itus.

Preparation and Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance. For those of you who’ve been on any kind of training course, ever, you’ll probably recognise all the P’s…grudgingly, despite the size of the cliche, the sentiment behind them is right. Last weekend, the last thing I felt like doing was schlepping around the supermarket doing the weekly shop. So I didn’t, I rebelled. With my own small gesture of anarchy, I spent all my weekend doing no chores whatsoever, and made it all about me. 

I did a bit of reading. Teed some ideas up for last week’s blog posts and did a bit of writing. Watched a couple of movies…spent some time with my mum, had dinner with a friend and took my boy out for Sunday lunch. But I didn’t stock up the cupboards…a decision which by Monday, struck me as being just to the left of stupid. I work miles from where I live, therefore a full day at work sandwiched between an hour’s drive either side means that by the time I get home after putting in a twelve hour day, shopping for food isn’t really top of any list I’d pull together of appealing options.

So my meals this week have been a weird combination  of stuff cobbled together from the freezer, lunches bought daily instead of being prepared at home, and takeaways. I managed to stay within points – just – Weight Watchers helpfully produce an ‘eating out’ book which you can use to inform your ‘prepared by other people’ choices although it’s only ever an estimate. As a result, the only pounds I’ve lost this week have been ones from my wallet. Dumbass.

On a positive note, the importance of preparation being the thing that gives me the best possible fighting chance of staying on track is once again front and centre of my mind. It creates the right conditions. It’s easier to eat within a food plan if you have the right kind of stuff to hand rather than looking hopefully into the back of the cupboard only to find all those things which were bought on impulse, have been ignored for months or that don’t really go with anything else you have in the house. And by the way, on the off-chance that you ever find yourself in the same situation, and a kidney bean omelette seems like a good idea, I’m here to tell you it’s not. Even liberally sprinkled with cayenne pepper…I’d rather chew my own feet.

So it’s chore city here at Skinny Towers this weekend but you know what, a sharp reminder from time to time isn’t a bad thing. The difference is these days, lack of preparation is an occasional blip…as a fully paid up resident of Mooseville, it was a way of life. Cleaning up your act is about more than what you eat, right? It’s about choosing your attitude, choosing your approach, choosing your outcome. The minute you opt out and stop making those choices, you risk the wheels coming off.

It could have been a perfect storm this week, but it passed. This week I’m all over it. It’ll be another tough week amongst the shit-storm but in terms of the food plan I’ll create perfect conditions up ahead of time, and it’ll be easier to dodge the showers 🙂

Like it..? Tell your friends!
 

Three Months A Blog

Freeform thoughts, In the here & now, Reflections on past times, , , ,

3mCan you believe it’s three whole months since that rainy post-holiday Saturday when I sat down and flexed my fingers over the keyboard for the very first time. That’s a quarter of a whole year!! Crikey it feels like we’ve walked miles together since then don’t you think..? I just mooched a couple of hours away this morning by working my way through all the blog posts I’ve written, and of course all your comments which for me, are a constant source of pride and inspiration.

It’s the first time I’ve really properly looked back – I mean I know I’m the queen of edit, often before you get to see my daily dollop of words they’ve spent a few days simmering in the cooking pot and it’s rare that they escape onto the page without having been chopped and changed, pulled apart and put back together again until I’m as happy as I’m ever going to be – that’s just the perfectionist in me. I know I need to get over myself but I just want it to be good you know? Asshole is chipping in here with the words control freak by the way, just thought I’d share that 🙂

I never edit after they’re published, in fact once they’re out there I tend not to read them again, focusing instead on what you write, and of course what’s coming up next. But what I noticed as I’ve worked my way through every post from the beginning, including your bits was how much it’s evolved over a relatively short period of time. I didn’t really imagine this would ever be anything more than a self-propelled written conscience, perhaps with an occasional visitor who’d more than likely wandered in by mistake and politely passed the time of day before moving on. But look what we turned into!

There weren’t many comments in the early days, but the ones I got were treasured. I read and re-read them…I wondered about the person who’d written them. Where they lived, what their story was you know? I wondered what had led them to my blog, and what had prompted them to leave their own footprint on it by chipping in with thoughts of their own. I still do that now. Looking back, I can see where some of our familiar names fell into step and started to really build this community and now, I just feel quite humbled by the way it’s gathered it’s own momentum and become a thing, you know?

I love the way we all relate – all of our stories are similar and yet different. Wherever in the world we happen to live, we’re all unique as individuals, but connected. United in this fight against the fat suits we somehow managed to get ourselves zipped into. In the back office at Skinny Girl HQ – aka my kitchen ha ha – I can look at the analytics tool which shows me how many visitors I’ve had, and which posts they’ve visited, and I get a massive blast of inner sunshine when I see a new visitor has somehow landed on the latest post, and stuck around to have a really good root around lots of the older stuff.  And when someone writes and says they’ve laughed, or cried, or felt supported or understood by something that one of us has written or shared, well that’s the best feeling of all.

So anyway…my name’s Dee and I’m a food addict. But I am 3 months clean and sober, mainly down to you guys. It’s never easy, but so far, this route to Skinny Town is proving to be way more enjoyable than I could have hoped for, and a million miles away from the boulder-strewn paths I’ve been used to navigating in the past…that has to be the posse factor, right?

Happy anniversary, I appreciate your company more than I can tell you…big hugs all around 🙂

 

Like it..? Tell your friends!
 

A Bucket Of Social Wellness

Freeform thoughts, In the here & now, , ,

social

So yesterday we chatted about meditation, which was one of Kerry Petsinger’s suggestions in the ‘spiritual wellness’ bucket of ways in which you can love yourself. Or rather my lack of skill in the meditation department. Your perspectives on that brought me round to thinking perhaps I shouldn’t throw the baby out with the bathwater and give up quite so easily, so I won’t. I’ll keep dipping in, in the hope that I’ll get the hang of it.

One of the other groupings she talked about was social wellness. Now that’s an area where I have a little bit more potential I think…I might not always choose to be sociable, but when I do, I can do sociable very well. Maybe not quite so well as I used to, I’m less inclined to surround myself with people these days – I value my solitude a lot of the time. But people still fascinate me, albeit more often than not these days on my terms!

Her first suggestion was to connect with someone who’s positive inspiring & encouraging – well would you look at that. That’s what we all do, every day. Our posse…we connect, we chat…some of you comment, some of the more shy voices amongst you choose instead to email me with your thoughts, and we have a bunch of folk in the posse who love to read and just take it all in, and join in the debate on a cerebral level only…but there’s such a groundswell of positivity, encouragement and sharing going on from which we collectively draw inspiration, you’re all amazing. So gang, we’ve totally got that one down!

Her next suggestion was to visit with your neighbour. I’m a bit less keen on that one, for a couple of reasons. Maybe it should come with a caveat, in terms of it depends who your neighbour is? For example, my nearest neighbours own a Chinese Takeaway. And they are lovely people but damn, it smells so good in there. I don’t use it very often to be fair, but it’s near impossible to leave without a bag full of food and that can’t be good for my diet, right?

During the day when they’re not open, they seem to shout at each other a lot, in very excitable voices, and the one time I knocked at the door during the day to collect a parcel they’d taken in for me, it was answered by a very small man holding a very large chopper, which did alarm me a bit. Maybe I’ll settle for waving when I pull onto my drive, does that count do you think?

I did love her next suggestion, which was to send a note in the post to a family member of friend. I’m an old fashioned girl at heart, and I love the idea of getting a letter, or a card. Cue all my friends falling over and yelling at the computer that I’ve never remembered a birthday in my life, and yeah ok, you got me…I’m crap at that. I’m a bit better now Facebook reminds me 🙂 but there’s still room for improvement. But a card to say thank you, or you mean the world to me, or just a note to say I thought about you today…that’s right up my alley.

Do any of you use the app ‘By Post’? That’s something I use all the time with my mum, especially when I’m away working, or on holiday. You take a picture on your phone, and the app turns it into a postcard and delivers it pretty much the next day – mum loves it, and you know what, I’m going to use it more…just thinking about the possibilities is making me smile.

Her last two suggestions in the social bucket were to plan a fun night out with friends – happening tomorrow evening, yey – and to snuggle with your love. I’ve got that one down too. I guess technically she didn’t have a four legged fur baby in mind when she penned the list but hey, despite his propensity for damaging the ozone layer, he’s the chosen one that I curl up with every night, and he gives the best hugs in the world.

My social wellness bucket feels quite full…how lucky am I 🙂

Like it..? Tell your friends!