All posts by Dee

In The Company Of My Thoughts

In the here & now, , ,

thinkOne of the things I’ve come to value the most from my time spent walking Charlie dog is the time and space it gives me to think. Those of you who’ve followed my journey from the early days won’t be surprised when I say that some of the ways in which my mind connects the dots can be a bit random, but you know time spent on musing even seemingly random stuff occasionally leads to a nugget of insight.

So we’ve just returned from one of our usual circuits of the town. On the way up the hill there were no insights worth a mention, my mind entertained itself quite happily with a succession of interesting topics to ponder, for example if sweat is what it looks like when your fat starts to cry, then my fat is very clearly very upset today because despite it being much cooler outdoors, by the time I got to the top of the hill I was glowing.

Then I got to thinking about where does your fat actually go, when you lose it? I mean, I was looking at a picture on-line this week about what one pound of fat actually looks like, and its big, you know? So if you lose like two pounds a week…where is it now? It’s like it melts away by magic. One week those two pounds of fat are inside my skin, and the next week they’re not.

They just disappear, sneak away like thieves in the night. I go to bed weighing one number, and I wake up weighing a smaller number but nothing went anywhere, right? I must have spend a good ten minutes on that one, in fact I was so absorbed that I’d reached the top of the hill before the Asshole voice had even chipped in with his usual helpful suggestions about the shortcuts we could take every time we passed an opportunity to avoid having to walk right to the top.

And that’s the bit that provided the key to help me unlock today’s useful stuff. It’s the first time that I’ve actually put two and two together and realised that when my mind is occupied, I’m far less open to an approach or a suggestion from the Asshole. Which sounds really obvious but don’t you often find that things stare us in the face and we’re still blind to it?

I have a really low boredom threshold, you know? It’s one of those things that goes hand in hand with an inquisitive mind. When I’m bored I get destructive and my mind leads me into mischief. I’ll give you an example – on Thursday I was involved in doing some recruitment, and one of the candidates lost me in the first five minutes. By the time we’d completed the interview I couldn’t have told you how he’d answered the majority of our questions, even though I’d written down his answers on autopilot.

What I could have told you, was how many times he said the words in terms of during his one hour interview. I was bored, and my mind started fixating on the wrong thing. My in-terms-of ometer leapt into action and I counted them all, with a mental ker-CHING every time he said it. Seventeen in-terms-ofs, if you’re interested. And, don’t even get me started on the four little hairs sprouting from the top of his nose, which I’d have paid good money to tweeze out.

So that’s what I mean…because what he was saying wasn’t holding my attention, my mind wandered off and started poking at stuff it had no business with. And I think the Asshole voice recognises those moments where my mind is suggestible, and that’s when he moves in for the kill.

It’s hardly breaking news, I get that. I’m sure some of you are thinking well yes, so what – eating because you’re bored is a well known thing and you’d be right, it is. I’ve heard plenty of people say that, in fact I’ve more than likely said it myself. But only in the context of doing, and not thinking, right?

I can be completely knocking it out of the park being busy doing stuff, but if my head isn’t similarly engaged, that’s the chink in my armour, right there.

Just another little post-it note to self, to add to my collection. Knowledge is power, right?

 

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Walking On Solid Ground

In the here & now, ,

walking

I made it! It’s Friday and I’m anticipating no challenges today. I say that because honestly, Monday to Thursday this week have felt like one long obstacle course and I’m grateful to have skidded sideways into Friday unscathed.

Well, I say unscathed…the cheese and pickle sandwich and fries that I ate at lunchtime yesterday did not support my cause in any way whatsoever but the lightning speed with which my hands reached out and flung them on my plate from the buffet lunch didn’t leave me much time to open the I’m not doing this dialogue with my asshole voice. Once my jaws are engaged in the business of chewing I tend to find that my argument loses a degree or two of momentum you know?

And I’d love to be able to tell you that once I got home last night, I wore a hair shirt for the rest of the day and didn’t compound my indiscretion with any further whoopsies, but that wouldn’t be strictly true either.

So my super-turbo-charged week has one or two dinks in it, including a deep dive into those weekly additional smart points that I wasn’t going to touch, but you know what, I’m still in the game…I have no plans whatsoever for the Bank Holiday weekend, so me and Charlie dog are going to get some lovely long walks in, I’ve got two full days of clean eating left before my Sunday sulk-off with the bitch in the bathroom and I’m gathering up what’s left of my dieting week and going for it, big time.

And if the cheese and pickle sandwich catches up with me I’ll take it on the chin and move my three pound challenge to next week instead.

Blimey…there’s a statement. Can you even imagine me saying that six months ago..? My position in the sweet spot felt incredibly fragile back then. I was terrified that something was going to come along and knock me sideways, back into a world where the short-term need to feed my face trumped any longer-term thinking, not to mention hopes and dreams. And don’t get me wrong, I’m a long way from complacent but honestly, seven months into the journey and I feel like the ground under my feet is a little more solid, you know?

So I stumbled a bit yesterday, and made a not-so-sensible choice. So what? I’m within points by the skin of my teeth but I’m not sitting here with my head in my hands mourning the end of another diet. It tasted awesome, but I’m not craving another one and it hasn’t changed anything. My resolve and determination is as sound as it was before the sharpness of that cheese sandwich exploded onto my tongue, and nothing is spoiled.

I can only think that all the work we’ve done together on unpicking the spaghetti inside my head has started to pay dividends, and I’m one step removed from the twisted way I used to think about food. You know what I’m talking about…I’ve been less than perfect therefore I’ve blown it, I might as well call it a day right now. Today, that thought hasn’t even entered my head.

I’m acutely aware that it used to and I kind of half-anticipated that it might, but as I opened my eyes this morning and mentally patted myself down, I was relieved to note that all my dieting ducks were in a row, and the asshole voice wasn’t even trying to overcomplicate the situation.

Doesn’t that make a refreshing change 🙂

 

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I Could Have, If I’d Wanted To…

In the here & now, , ,

clothingrackSo yesterday was a better day for me, on a number of fronts. Firstly, work was a little less manic. I had time to breathe, which is always nice. In fact more than that, I even had time to get out at lunchtime, and that hardly ever happens. A couple of the guys in the office were going up to a big retail outlet near to where we work, and I took my head out of my bum for an hour and tagged along for good measure.

After a quick mooch around we went into Marks and Sparks so they could grab lunch from the food hall. Me, I’d taken lunch to work and already eaten it – hey I was hungry, once the little hand is heading for twelve, it’s fair game, right? So I waited for them in the clothes section, and had a poke about, as you do. There were one or two really nice things that caught my eye, and I damn near fainted when I realised they had them in my size!

I mean, before we all get too giddy I’m still in size sumo, but I was in a shop that wasn’t a fat girl shop, and they had really nice stuff on their rails to fit me. As realisation dawned, I just kind of stood there, grinning like the village idiot, looking at this beautiful turquoise linen shirt and trying to figure out how many years it’s been since I walked into something other than a fat-girl shop and walked out with something new. I wish I’d bought it. Except it’s not quite payday so I didn’t, but the point is I could have, if I’d wanted to.

What I wanted to do was fist-pump the air, and run around the ground floor of Marks and Sparks waving the turquoise linen above my head singing I’m too sexy for this shirt at the top of my voice.

I didn’t have to admire the jewellery, or pretend I was interested in the bag section, or the cosmetics, whilst normal people browsed the clothes. I could browse the clothes without fear of being laughed out of town because I’m a skinny-girl-in-training, and I’m officially in the club, you know? That club where members can wear what they like, instead of what fits.

I was still riding the wave of euphoria later in the afternoon (and wishing I’d bought the damned shirt) when bugger me, a colleague walked into our office and said MY GOD! Look at you, you’re wasting away!! I mean, I’m clearly not…I stand five feet five and a half inches tall in my socks and I weigh nearly nineteen stone so I’m hardly teetering on the verge of malnutrition, but still. It’s the biggest buzz ever when people notice I’m losing weight, and are kind enough to comment. It all helps to spur you on, right?

So, all in all, yesterday ranks number one day in my week so far, and you know what, days like this are going to keep on coming 🙂

 

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Dragging It Out Of The Bag

In the here & now, ,

trip

Do you ever get that feeling that you’re ever so slightly out of control? Just recently I seem to be juggling stuff with an ever-increasing reliance on blind faith that things will work out fine, rather than laying proper foundations to make sure I can bring it all home. And you know so far I’ve lucky and the wheels haven’t come off but it’s getting a bit too close for comfort.

I got home late ish last night after a six hour round trip with a full day’s work sandwiched in-between. And my day had sub-inbetweens too, for example in between conference sessions I managed to tuck myself away in a corner and write a full competency-based interview for some recruitment that I’m involved in tomorrow, and ticked one or two other bits of stuff off my ‘to do’ list. All that, on the back of a pretty tough day the day before, but necessary because I knew I wouldn’t have time today. And so it goes on, it just feels relentless at the moment.

As for the thoughts I love to share with you lot as part of the process of sorting out my head spam, way back in the early days I used to have three or four blog posts marinating all the time, slow-cooking if you like, to the point where they were tender and tasty and just needed seasoning with the odd word here or there before I was ready to let one of them go.

These days you’re far more likely to see me sketching something out when I climb into bed and letting it marinate overnight, so I wake up with my head bursting with words all trying to come out at the same time. I pull them into some semblance of order before I get up and at my day, and then usually dive back in at the end of the day to kick them around a bit more before I’m happy, and ready to push the button.

Lately I’ve been last minute dot com with my finances too. I’m normally pretty good at balancing the books, because I use a piece of software that tells me what’s coming in and going out, and at any point of the month what I’ve got to spend versus what’s already allocated for this or that. And it works brilliantly, if you actually key in what you’ve spent. Thing is, I haven’t touched it for at least a couple of months…so I’ve sort of got a vague idea that I’ll hopefully make it to payday without quite running out of money, but I’m not 100% sure.

I’m tired, and I’m so ready for a break from work just to catch up with myself and take a breath, you know? There’s a four day weekend just around the corner and I’ve never been so glad at the prospect of a few days’ down-time. I feel like I really need it.

How on earth, in the middle of what’s starting to feel like utter chaos, I’ve managed to pull it out of the bag where my food plan is concerned is a little bit beyond me. Or drag it out of the bag, which is probably a little more accurate. On reflection, I reckon it’s all to do with posse power. I can’t think of a single other pressurised time in my life where I haven’t reached for food to alleviate some of the stress, whereas now you’re my secret weapon.

One sniff of temptation and I find that my blood runs cold when I think about how I might have to tell you all about the way I face-planted into a bag of cheeseballs. About how they happened to be in my cupboard because during my weekly shop I was forced to make the purchase by the Asshole voice, on a for-emergencies-only basis, obviously never intending to eat them but it’s a good job I did because only five minutes after getting home and locking the door behind me I had an unexpected emergency and well, thank goodness I had them to hand.

Then I think about the response I’d get from all of you, and how it wouldn’t be in any way pretty. So I find a different way to deal with the pressure. I try and laugh at it. Throwing stuff works too, and I’ve even shocked myself with an occasional bit of over-ripe language falling out of my potty mouth. But no cheeseballs get consumed, and despite the chaos my food plan holds firm.

I don’t think I tell you enough how grateful I am. You’re making such a difference to the way I’m managing this journey, truly I couldn’t do it without you guys. You are the oasis of calm in the maelstrom that is my life at the moment, and the single biggest reason that I’ve not fallen into a ditch on the side of this road to Skinny Town.

Just…thank you 🙂

 

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And Then You Get Days Like This!

In the here & now

pooh

Yeah well I spoke too soon didn’t I…trust me to bang on about what a lovely weekend I’d had and how great I was feeling, and what a turbo-charged week I was going to have. Clearly my sunny mood pissed off somebody somewhere, and the law of sod yesterday delivered a chunk of frustration and stress just to counter-balance all the joy and loveliness I wrapped myself up in this weekend. Talk about degrees of light and shade…next time I feel really happy I’ll mime it, right? Keep my big mouth shut!

So the plan yesterday was that I’d work from home until mid-afternoon, and then head out – I’ve been involved in a big off-site meeting for our retail team today, at a venue around three hours’ drive away from home, so I’d arranged to travel and stay overnight last night at a nearby hotel so I was refreshed and ready for today’s session.

As things turned out I was up against the clock on a piece of work that just kept on growing arms and legs as I was doing it, it turned into a proper monster. It was pretty much 11pm last night before I finally got it done, by which time I’d been sitting sat my desk for around fifteen hours. Want to know how many steps I did yesterday? Two hundred and ninety nine. Point one four of a mile. My brain on the other hand felt like it’d run a marathon, I was mentally mashed.

It just wouldn’t go right, you know? I kept getting bogged down in details that didn’t seem to add up. Woman versus spreadsheet and after a couple of hours I’m here to tell you the spreadsheet was not the one on the ropes. What I came to realise as the day went on, was that changing and tweaking stuff on the master document is all very well, but if you then imagine some kind of spreadsheet fairy is going to fly in and update any corresponding affiliated documents you tend to come a bit unstuck.

When I compared them all as a final cross-check, nothing made sense. I wish I’d counted the number of blind alleys I turned down, good grief I ought to be awarded some kind of medal for sheer determination in getting the dratted thing finished. Or the grand muppetry medal for getting myself in such a pickle to begin with.

The thing is, my boss needed to go through the detail with his boss today, who happens to be the Chief Exec, and both of them are as sharp as a blade you know? Mistakes would’ve jumped off the page, smacked them on the nose, and then returned to sender to bite me in the ass so I needed it to be perfect.

Consequently, I was so absorbed in what I was doing, not only did I hardly move, my eating was also meh. I stayed within points, but I can’t say I really enjoyed my food yesterday which infuriates me, since every mouthful should be precious. I pretty much just grazed at my desk all day. And, it got too late to drive south, so whilst it was great going to sleep in my own bed, it effectively meant I had to be up with the larks for a three hour drive this morning, and shortly I’ll need to do the same in reverse at the end of what has been another really tiring day. Beautiful!

It’s interesting how much easier clean eating and exercise are when you’re not up against a whole pile of pressure you know? I felt it a bit yesterday, I’m not going to lie. My mum picked out a pack of all-butter shortbread at the supermarket on Sunday, and when my boy unpacked the shopping he assumed they were for us. I spied them in the cupboard first thing yesterday – of course I did, it’s like sugar telepathy – and intermittently throughout the day my mind poked around the possibility of opening the pack. I could almost taste them.

I didn’t though, I resisted. Me 1: Asshole Nil. However, as I wearily climbed the stairs last night he equalised…despite the fact that I’d been sat on my arse all day I point blank ignored the hurt machine and launched myself straight into bed. We ended the day with scores on the door of 1:1.

Today, has been better. Tiring but not a spreadsheet in sight, and that in itself is a cause for celebration. Oh, and I won’t tell anybody about the piece of coffee cake at lunchtime if you don’t…it was worth a chunk of points even if it was a bit naughty ?

 

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