I can’t begin to tell you how many poo stories I’ve listened to over the last day or so, I mean seriously, there have been lots. It seems I’m not the only one amongst our band of merry men who’s found themselves locked in dispute with their own pipes. And the thing is, I always forget how many people that I actually know in my real life who read the blog.
It’s one thing when you realise your lack of filter has left people around the world wondering whether or not you’ve managed to open your purse, but it’s something else entirely when you pass someone in the corridor at work and they pull a face and say anything yet..?
One of my friends in the office pressed a maximum strength senocot pill into my hands and suggested it might help. I carried it home with the same care I might have reserved for a stick of dynamite, having (wisely I thought) decided against road-testing it before I was safely home and within sprinting distance of the bathroom. I mean it hadn’t just been a day or two, and I was worried that wouldn’t end well at all.
I’m very pleased to announce that nature took its course before said pill was swallowed, much to my blessed relief. It felt like a Lion King moment, I mean I appreciate I’m not exactly holding anything aloft or introducing the fruit of my loins to the nation but metaphorically speaking I’m sure you’ll all sleep easier in your beds tonight knowing my agony is over. And over, and over, and over as it happens.
It’s only the second time in my life that I’ve suffered this badly. The first time was worse actually. I was in the Maldives with my best friend, and without going into sordid detail my body was on lockdown then in the same way that it has been this week. I can only liken that experience to a breach birth, and due to the dodgy plumbing on the tiny island and my utter mortification at not being able to make the offending article go away after upwards of a hundred flushes, I ended up wrapping it in a carrier bag and cycling up to the big industrial waste bins behind the kitchens with a suspicious baguette-shaped parcel in the basket on the front of my hired bicycle.
Fuck, I’ve done it again haven’t I? No filter. Still, you can’t beat a good poo story between friends, right?
So anyway, things are looking up. I had another false start yesterday on account of some Thornton’s chocolates and a pub lunch however I’m now full subscribed to Weight Watchers again, and I’ve done my food shop. I sat and read every scrap of information about the new flex programme last night as I was oven-roasting some vegetables to take to work for lunch today, along with a chicken breast. My porridge oats are primed for breakfast, and a portion – not a punnet – of grapes is all bagged up for my mid-morning snack.
I’ve got this. My 2L water bottle is full and completes the hat-trick. I feel quite excited, although I recognise that I’ve been here before. That doesn’t really matter though, does it? All that matters is that I’m here now 🙂
Ok, well you got me at the Lion King Moment:):):) I just happen to have watched Lion King with my grand children recently……I don’t remember it being so emotional when watching it my own children, anyways….brought a whole new meaning to the unlocking of your pipes! Carry on, enjoy being where you are! On my fourth week of WW (for the umpteenth time)and feeling soooo much better!
Aw it’s a wonderful film isn’t it!
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!!!
😂😂
This might have made me wee a little! Hahah! Brilliant 😀
On the next note, good luck with your first day on WW and I think i’ll join you on avoiding those trigger foods as it’s a slippery slope… We can do it!
Thanks! I’m really excited 🙂
I do not know why, but broccoli helps me regularly. Lightly steamed, lemon on it.
I have a friend who can’t go away from home. Like a week or more, can’t go. Terrible problem for her. Sort of the opposite of always having to go at friends’.
I believe a lot of blokes suffer like that too!
p.s. my contribution to Desperation Measure, when the conveyor belt seems to have lost interest in moving along, at all, fast slow OR ever again. Here in Hawai’i there is a long tradition that the resolution for that ‘lock down’ is eating taro leaf (COOKED, always cooked). Some of the best greens anywhere, in some wonderful dishes. And effective.
hmmm…we don’t get much of that stuff here in West Yorkshire…There’s an excuse to come to Hawaii if ever I heard one, right? 🙂
Hahahaha, all the above. I spray mouthful of coffee when I read your plight -helpless laughter- including the realization that your undiluted sharing just got bleemed out around the globe; then i blink the streaming tears away, to focus my eyes enough to read the comments of our convocation. Oh crap! … realizing this disarming memoir is read by people you know in person, IRL. You actually broached a subject that is itself a huge relief from abt 13 months of stress. Many thanks!
hehehehe Fleury imagining you spitting up your coffee made me chuckle!! 🙂
Heeheehee! Have had to dispose of a guest’s “deposit” here as well. It happens, and i’m glad not often.
You are here now, and here you may stay. Give yourself permission to stay in the sweet spot, sometimes that’s what it takes.
Yes! Oh I’m hoping so Mimi!!
Late at night and laughing out loud here re the transportation and disposal of giant turd. Thank you! Yes, have been there. Why is it I always seem to save massive offerings for friends or relatives loos? The repeat flush is a dead giveaway and as for the skid marks in the bowl….
Your preparation for the day ahead is admirable. Yes, getting back on the horse after a fall is the only way to get back on track. I fall down at the being organised bit. I hate having to do things by the book, so now the closest I get to ensuring I eat a healthy diet is my shopping list. I have to avoid the aisles with biscuits, cakes, ice cream, crisps, etc, etc, etc and if I don’t buy them I can’t eat them. I usually buy a small bar of chocolate mid week, and try to eat it over a few days. It’s getting easier and I am learning to love Greek yoghurt. I am going to add more roughage to this week’s shopping list though, after your experience. Good luck with WW.
Thanks Dawn! I’m going to be eating lots of fibre that’s for sure 🙂 I’m also going to try and avoid my trigger foods so I can get back to some kind of mental harmony!