Who the hell was I kidding when I thought it’d be easy getting back on the wagon? Myself, apparently. It’s never been easy, getting up from a fall but this time it’s proving harder than ever. It’s killing me, and I’d love to say I’m winning but a high-calorie lunch and at least a dozen refresher chew bars yesterday afternoon tells a different story.
Those things are just pure sugar…cheap and nasty candy that I don’t even particularly like, so what on earth was I thinking? It was there in the office one minute, in a carrier bag in the corner after someone brought it back from a training course, and then all of a sudden there was a little stockpile of it in my top drawer. My hand kept snaking its way in every five minutes for the rest of the afternoon and my jaws never stopped moving.
And I haven’t been swimming since Sunday either, although In my defence, I’ve been too full of this crappy head cold to make it to the pool. I still feel pretty grim, although I’m better than I was. My cold broke good and proper on Wednesday and all I’ve heard from the Asshole Voice since my nose started running is feed a cold…feed a cold…FEED A COLD!!!
Fine, if I was feeding it with the food of sick people, right? Chicken soup, or a bit of broth or rice pudding. Not cheap Halloween candy that nobody else wanted…whoever coined the phase sure as dammit didn’t intend for cheap candy to be the foodstuff that would ward off bugs and help me feel better. I was so wired by the time I’d done with the onslaught of sugar in my system that I went down like a sack of spuds when the sugar crash happened.
As luck would have it, I was home and laid back in my armchair by then, so I dozed for forty five minutes…for fuck’s sake, would you listen to me. I’m describing the life I used to lead and I’ve worked so fucking hard to step out of those shoes.
I don’t know about you, but it colours the way I think about myself when I’m wildly off the rails. Last week was different, I mean I could justify my food fuckery as a conscious choice. A normal thing. I’m on holiday therefore I choose to enjoy everything on offer and suspend diet-related activity until I go home. Lots of people do it, and this year I’ve chosen to be one of them. It’s okay, permission granted, go fill ya boots…I slept easy at night, and accepted the shitbird scale would have something to say about it when I re-joined the real world.
This week is different. Completely different. I took the Shitbird’s damning assessment of my time in paradise on the chin, squared my shoulders and got right back to it. Only I didn’t did I, not really. On the days where I’ve managed to stay within calories, my food choices have been dodgy to say the least. And then I go and eat a spur-of-the-moment calorie-laden lunch and dive off the high board into a bag of pure sugar for no good reason whatsoever other than it was there and I wanted it.
That makes me feel weak, out of control and worthless. In reality I’m only one of those things, but the Asshole voice pulls all three out of the bag because past experience tells him that a complete character assassination is a more effective way of keeping me under his influence.
I know it’ll turn the right way up again if I keep plugging away. In the meantime it’s all just a bit of an uphill slog.
One foot in front of the other, and repeat, right? 🙂
Ooooo, I hate that so much, when you eat something bad for you that you don’t even want and aren’t enjoying????? I’ve never understood why I do that sometimes. I mean, something tasty, yes; something you’ve been craving, sure. But crappy sugar that doesn’t even taste good?
Keep fighting.
Thanks Natalie, I will…we are all alike aren’t we, in the daft stuff we do!
You might want to check out The Hungry Brain by Stephan Guyenet. http://www.stephanguyenet.com/thehungrybrain/
There isn’t any silver bullet here, but I found that knowing the biochemical reasons behind food cravings made it possible to shed a lot of the angst over lack of will power and focus better on managing choices to get back on track.
Peel away the mystery, right? That’s inspired Mary and thank you, I’ll take a look right now 🙂
You can do this, and if you think you need a kick in the posterior to get you motivated, let me know and i’ll put on my cranky pants and give you one! Otherwise, one day, one choice at a time.
One day, one choice at a time Mimi…I will get there 🙂
Oh garnfunnit, me too. Dee thank you particularly for, “…because…a complete character assassination is a more effective way of keeping me under his influence.” STROBE moment. In truth my Asshole voice hasn’t even been murmuring seditious nothings. I think in the months when i just throw down the reins, my inner saboteur is scary sinister able to send me into self loathing by remote control. Sure will be a relief to feel my feet on my own intentional, tranquil (food plan) path again. Love to ya,
And back at you lovely…I hope you’re okay xx
I have no advice for you. I have been yo-yo dieting my whole life. For me it’s like a switch flips and I am “in the zone” but how to flip the switch remains a mystery. When I’m in the zone it’s a “knowing” that I’m in complete control and nothing deters me. That’s why I try not to flirt with cheating a little bit because once I do the switch flips off and it can be months before I’m able to get back on track. I have been struggling since March.
I feel everything you are feeling but I’m trying to be gentle with myself.
So no advice, just wanted you to know I hear you and I’m pulling for you x
Aw thanks Jo – as always the support you lot offer me just blows my mind. I have the additional pressure of trying to be a role model just because I write the blog but more often than not the words of proper wisdom come from your side of the fence and not mine! Onwards, come on let’s try and bloody crack this once and for all 🙂
It’s not easy, is it? It feels like having to turn a very large ship around. For me, getting back on track happens by degrees, rather than all at once. A little improvement each day and avoiding the all-or-nothing thinking usually works. You can do it.
Thanks Anne…that’s good advice. That all-or-nothing thinking bloody gets me every time 🙂
Ok, we all know there’s no shortage of diet books and plans out there. Many of us have tried many, many of them. But, as someone who has struggled for years with minimal success and who’s inner voice sounds a lot like yours….here’s something new for you to explore if you’re inclined. You’ve mentioned before how getting off sugar helps you stick to your food plan, right? But it’s so hard to stay off sugar! And for reasons that aren’t always related to physical hunger…Anyway, I am currently having lots of success with the Trim Healthy Mama plan. I tried it after watching my friend shed 30 pounds over the summer (years of accumulated post-baby weight) and she said the magic words “it’s not that hard, and I think I can do it forever.” They have a book and at least one cookbook. I don’t buy any of the baking supplies and such that they sell. They tell you how to make your own and I go on shopping at my regular store. Every recipe I’ve tried has been good and the voice that keeps driving me on to eat and eat and eat is very quiet these days. There’s some physiology involved, and not much “willpower” which I don’t excel at AT ALL. So, whether you try this out or not, keep trying to find what works for you! Wishing you success! Love reading your blog. ❤️
That sounds really interesting Sheri thanks, I’ll definitely check it out. Thanks for sharing, I really appreciate your support ?