So most of my on-line shopping from the weekend landed today, and I spent a delicious hour after work opening bags and boxes, and trying stuff on for size. Happily everything fitted and I love it all, so although my credit card is severely winded and may take some time to catch its breath, fuck it, right? Life is short, and if I can’t eat the cake at least I can indulge myself in other ways. Although today I ate the cake too, which I appreciate is taking liberties.
I’ve got to be honest, it’s not been a great week where food has been concerned. I’d like to say I’m struggling but technically I’m not struggling. I’m just not behaving, which is a different thing altogether. I feel a bit out of control on a number of fronts actually…you don’t even want to know how much of a battering my finances have taken in the last week. I didn’t mean to go quite so wild, but this is me all over.
It all started when I got a voucher code through the post for 25% off one of the on-line clothes retailers that I’ve used before, and sniffing a bargain I went onto their website ‘just for a look’. Yeah well that didn’t end well did it….seeing nothing I fancied but with my shopping head on, I wandered onto my favourite clothes website and burned a bloody fortune. No discount voucher, and apparently no self-control either.
If there’s anything to be said for life as a very very fat lady, it’s this; it was cheaper. I mean sure, I used to spend a fortune on cheese balls but I hardly ever bought any new clothes. It would be fair to say I’m making up for lost time.
In the same way I go for ages being really good on my food plan before blowing my food budget in a spectacular fall from grace, I have a tendency to do the same thing with spending money and buying clothes. It’s a while since I bought anything outside my budget, but this weekend I behaved like fucking Rockefeller and almost melted my plastic.
Don’t get me wrong, I really love the stuff I’ve bought but I’m already feeling guilty at my lack of self control, and I’m dreading the sound of my card statement thudding onto the doormat. The postman may just get a hernia as he carries it to my door and the poor parcel man definitely did.
I think we’ve established that moderation is something I’m just not very good at. I’m okay at it for a while, and then BAM, all of a sudden I find myself careering off down the wrong path without any warning. It’s like I need the exhilaration of that ride, where in the moment, nothing matters except the adrenaline rush. What does that make me? A hedonist? Or maybe just a dickhead. I’m thinking that one.
However, I will be the best dressed dickhead in town. Every cloud… 🙂
It’s not that i’m wise, it’s that i read too much.
This is the addiction pattern, when your brain either does not produce enough dopamine, or you don’t have enough receptors for it. Some addictive patterns spike the dopamine, some make your receptors open up so your brain can take more in.
Either way, the point of addiction therapy and the ten steps is to get you to figure out that you have no control and turn that over to a Higher Power (however you understand that) and find more productive ways to get your dopamine levels to be normal besides whatever your addiction is.
The biggest problem with a food addiction, of course, is we can live without drinking or drugs or gambling or shopping, but you have to eat.
Since you know where the problem lies, perhaps check out Overeaters Anonymous and look into doing some 12-Step work. It’s not always easy (been there, done some), but the results are worth it.
Another thing that might help is to look more into parenting your inner child. We all have one, and when that child is a brat out of control (as mine sometimes is), we overeat, or drink, or do whatever it happens to be that brings that dopamine up or helps it be taken in properly.
The adult part of us needs to plan regular fun times for the inner child part of us that are healthy and good. We’d never have put our own children into a situation where they never got any treats or good times, so expecting to put ourselves in a straight jacket isn’t going to work. At the same time, when having fun playing at the park, our children weren’t allowed to go wild and do things that could hurt them or others. The trick is planning, letting the inner child know the boundaries and when and where and what is permitted.
Also it’s not shameful to seek an addiction specialist for some counsel, it’s smart. If you decide you need it to get a handle on what your triggers are and how to develop strategies to deal with them, i’d say go for it.
Thanks so much Mimi ( and sorry you’ve had problems posting today, for some reason it had tossed your words into the spam bucket, how rude!)
It’s something I may consider. I spent 3 years in therapy but not for addiction specifically so it’s worth thinking about ?
Hahahaha! No ‘fix’ for this, I’m still laughing – well dammit, we cut loose sometimes. Madame Mimi will possibly shed some welcome light here, but meantime….
Ha yes, Mimi is our resident wise owl! Honestly sometimes I’m not safe to be allowed out unaccompanied!