Saturday night found me sitting at home on my own feeling wretched. My one bad day had morphed into a run of bad days. Confidently declaring I choose skinny, after pouring my heart out to you guys on Friday turned out to be nothing more than a bunch of words and a really strong statement of intent, you know? I believed it from the bottom of my soul as I tipped those words onto the page, but somehow the intent never got wired up to actually drive a turnaround in the way I was behaving. For that reason, Saturday had been day four of what felt like a freight train descending into anarchy.
From a position of food sobriety, I’ve often wondered how it’s possible to have both my head and my heart lined up behind a determination so strong that it could support the weight of a thousand cravings, only for me to watch it fall away to dust when I’m in the grip of an overwhelming need to eat shit, and lots of it. At the very moment that I’m pushing food into my face, I can hear the sound of my Asshole voice laughing hysterically, as he takes the piss out of my naivety in daring to believe I’d ever have the power to stop him in his tracks.
So. Two steps forward and ten steps back huh? If you’ve clocked my conversation with the Shitbird Scale this week, well. What can I tell you? That’s the aftermath of the last few days and it officially sucks. I had to reset the dial yesterday morning, and by some miracle I managed to pull a textbook day right out of the bag. Yesterday, happily, the Gods of Skinny were on my side.
As I laid my lazy arse back in that big fat armchair on Saturday night, I was catching up on one of my favourite medical dramas on the TV and the Psych doctor said something which struck a chord. He wasn’t talking about me, obviously, but in that moment when I was beating a path back and forth to the freezer eating one raspberry magnum ice-cream after another, he may as well have been. What he said was this…
Ironically relapse can be a very important part of recovery…it happens to most addicts at some point and it’s very often the utter misery of falling off the wagon that motivates those that suffer to finally get serious about staying sober.
Ain’t that the truth.
The only person rooting for me to keep on eating ice cream was Charlie dog, who always gets to lick the lolly stick so to be fair, although I feel sure in his little furry bonce he’d want the best for me, him rooting for me to stop would be a bit like turkeys voting for Christmas and on that basis I forgive him for egging me on.
Even as I ate those ice-cream lollies, one after the other, I didn’t really want them. I just felt compelled to have them. But the words spoken by Dr Whatever-his-name-was kind of stopped me in my tracks because I was miserable. Utterly fucking miserable. And somehow, for once I wasn’t easy in my own company. It was a lonely place. Just me, and the pile of lolly sticks sitting in the chair with a drooling dog at my feet. Some life, right? The thing is, it’s not my life.
It used to be, but it’s not any more. And in that moment, realisation dawned that I was just passing through. I wasn’t staying in that old life. I’d visited it, briefly – well not that fucking briefly if we’re splitting hairs – but it was as wretched as I ever remember it, and I wasn’t staying. No way Jose…it was time to come back. I practically sprinted.
If we’re looking for the learning opportunity here, it’s glaring me in the face. The moment I started messing with my food plan a few weeks ago coincided with my decision to just reintroduce a bit of sweet stuff into my diet…it doesn’t take Einstein to make the connection, does it? No refined sugar equals food sobriety with no binges and an inner peace. Reintroducing refined sugar on the other hand – even in small quantities – well, I’m right back to that combative broken relationship with anything that goes in my mouth.
So listen, I’ve been back to the dark side, and I’ve learned a lesson. To those of you who can achieve and maintain balance by eating a bit of what you fancy from time to time, well fair play to you and I’m more than a little bit envious of your self control. Me, I clearly don’t have the ability to control shit when I’m under the influence of sugar. I sort of knew that, based on the first four months of this year but like a true scientist I needed to prove the theory. And now I have.
So I can’t have it. And I’m not going to have it. This is day two of my refined-sugar-free food sobriety and tomorrow will be day three. Next week’s conversation with the shitbird scale will paint a different picture, and the horrors of this last week will become just one more scar amongst the motley collection which have opened and closed many times over the years.
My heart feels lighter already 🙂
Sugar, how I hate thee and love thee too. I had an iced coffee recently with sugar free coconut flavor, and one shot of mocha. Well the short of it is that the barista at the DunkinDonuts doesn’t know how to count to ONE, because that drink was like a rich chocolate milk. There were a few inches of rich chocolatey mocha at the bottom of that cup. I put the straw right down there, and dang it, I was off the wagon. I only drank half the drink, I had to slap my own self silly to put it down. But the rest of the day, I craved ice cream, and cookies, and…next thing I knew, it was happening, ice cream was happening. oops. I had to smarten up quick, before a month’s worth of work was piled back on! I cannot eat sugar. I cannot. So you’re not alone, and I love your blog.
Della
Thanks Della! Isn’t it scary how quickly it can turn us into a food Hoover! That’s a wonderful example of the white powder doing its thing ?
Hi All, been awhile. Still lurking. Still fighting the battle. Will fight daily until I DIE. I weigh daily. I have not ever cut the sugar out completely as I use it in my coffee, but I do notice if I have any more than that during the day such as a cookie, I want 3 dozen. So we are all out in the trenches with you Dee… and rooting for your success. It is never easy and I have slipped every other day, but it is SO worth it to shop regular sizes, cross your legs, fit into airplane seats, etc, We all berate ourselves, but we are the answer as well. It is so hard to be fat and getting harder to age. Hard squared to do both. I applaud you on your continued battle, humor, grace and self forgiveness.
Ah hello Autumn, how lovely to hear from you…and thanks, yes I’m still chipping away! I’m so bloody proud of you, because I think we all recognise that maintaining is harder than getting there in the first place. I’ll never give up, because really, what’s the alternative, but well done you on juggling what you need to so you can continue to look fabulous. You’re my hero!
Oh, boy. It’s a good thing you had announced “the captain has turned on the seat belt light” – cos we have been going through some turbulence.
I feel like the air is less bumpy Fleury…hope you’re hanging in there too! ?
Good morning, Dee! It’s actually about 11:00 pm here and I am trying to feel sleepy so I can catch some shut eye.
Two words of wisdom from me:
1. Sugar is and always will be enemy #1 to those of us who fight thevyo-yo scale and battle the binge and bulge. The best thing is to severely restrict/ limit it at all costs.
2. Until we start to change the way we think about food, it will always control us. It does not HAVE to be all or nothing and THAT key is the secret to those of us who struggle and those who can have their cake and eat it too (literally)!
Hang in there. #TheStrugeIsReal
It just has to go Tracey, I want to be free of the mental anguish that it feeds! I can see that, but only when I’m not in the grip of a sugar haze!
I totally get it. I do.
So, I walked away from the computer and I felt like I didn’t quite communicate the “all or nothing” meaning.
Those of us who are binge eaters (myself included) have to break away from the idealogy that IF we blow it, we might as well throw the towel in completely. “I just ate a piece of cake, might as well make it two or three.” or “I ate crap for lunch, I might as well just eat crap all day because….”
If we blow it, the KEY is to bring it in. Ok, I blew it. Drink some water, take a walk, walk away, do some laundry, distract yourself from the food. STOP before you do throw in the towel completely for the day.
I was away last week for my grandmother’s funeral. All we had to eat almost all week was “bereavement buffet,” as I call it. Fried chicken and potato salad for days. Not one single vegetable for five straight days. Ice cream, cookies, muffins, chips and WHITE bread. That was all we had to choose from. It was sooo hard. I am more of a sweet tooth person, not a salty eater. But when they opened those chips, all I wanted to do was eat the entire bag. I had to literally WALK away. But then they were calling me.
It’s a real struggle.
I’m sorry for your loss Tracey. And it’s hard when someone else is holding the food budget isn’t it but all you can do is the best you can. Big hugs ?