That’s how long it took, to go from hero to zero. I’m always honest with you guys, right? Best buckle in then, let’s get it over with.
I woke up in a dark place on Wednesday, I mean I’d really seen my arse. From the moment I opened my eyes I was seething with resentment that I had to be on this stupid fucking diet in the first place, and I knew I was going to have a bad day. If I look back on the sequence of events I can sort of see it unravelling.
I had a rubbish night’s sleep on Tuesday night, which I think is where it all started to go tits up. I’d had to pull out of my fat furnace class at the Kingdom of Pain due to my knee, which since our cycling adventures on Sunday has been giving me hell. I’d settled down later in the evening to draft a blog post, but no words had come.
It happens every now and then, you know? I wrote and rewrote the same few moany paragraphs until I was boring myself sick, and I ended up turning in after midnight with a pile of shite on the page and a plan to look at it with fresh eyes in the morning. Which I did, and it was still shite. It took a while for me to get it to a point where I was ready to send it out to your ears and that meant I was late getting into the office.
My to do list was overwhelming, and from late morning I was tied up in a meeting that was due to go on for the rest of the day. For all the reasons I’ve talked about I’d not had time to prepare any food to take to work, so when the catered lunch arrived at 11.59am, my defences were shot.
And I fell.
Mini yorkshire puddings with rare beef and horseradish…oh yes I’ll have one of those. Then another two. Three BLT sandwich triangles and a handful of crisps. Back for another mini yorkshire, and a king prawn and cream cheese blini. MMMmmm that was nice, best have a couple more of them. There’s cake? Awesome. The rocky road looks good…three of those then and a square of ginger cake whilst I’m there. They’re only little after all.
We’re done? I’ll just carry the six remaining squares of cake across the hall for the girls in the office…girls, (chewing) there are five pieces of cake here if anyone wants them...
Just in case anyone on the planet was still under any illusion that I was watching what I ate, I also managed to sink six treacle toffees before we wound the meeting up. One hundred and fifty one minutes to eat my own bodyweight in crap, and I did it beautifully. It was carnage.
So from there, contrite and lesson learned, I headed home to sit on the naughty step and think about what I’d done, right?
Did I fuck. I drove three miles out of my way because I wanted pizza, and whilst I was picking that up I bought a box of Magnum ice cream lollies for my boy. Except I ate three out of the box of four before he got home, and I didn’t tell him about the fourth. FYI I ate that yesterday. Which wasn’t as bad as Wednesday but I won’t be winning any prizes for clean eating, that’s for sure.
How is it, that the ground beneath my feet can be so fucking solid one day – actually for more than one hundred days – and then I’m jettisoned headlong into dieting quicksand for no apparent reason? I think messing around with my food plan has had a catastrophic effect on my psyche. Lesson learned, eh.
This morning, I just feel a bit dazed. And I’ve got two choices haven’t I? I can choose a skinny life, where I pick myself up and reset. Or I can choose to carry on behaving like a fucking ejit.
I choose skinny. I’m starting again with my clean eating as of today, right now in this moment. I’m not waiting until Sunday. From today, and one day at a time.
Walk with me? I need you guys 🙂
It’s funny in a not funny way… that we both struggle with “what to write”, time to do so, the drive to be “faithful” on our “diets”.
I hurt my back in February and re-injured it in March, much more severely. The injury and pain did me in. I have had to start ALL over again with both my physical training AND my nutrition. It’s been soooo frustrating.
It’s been yo yo all along, with relapses of both “clean eating” and pain/ training. I mean a real struggle. And here is the thing. We don’t have the luxury to say, “I’ve got this.” Because we don’t.
That attitude leads to shortcuts and provides an ease in throwing in the towel. The key thing for you to consider is that you are NOT giving up AND you know what works and what doesn’t. It’s a learning process and that’s how you keep the weight off.
Stick with it.
Thanks Tracey, I will…I mean what’s the alternative?! You stick with it too kiddo ?
I will, I have no intention of giving up.
It happens and then WE have to move on. The emphasis is the WE. In life the WE is what matters. Life happens but WE can do this!!
Thanks Cindy…how lucky am I to be surrounded by all this amazing support ?
p.s. I feel so fortunate – for your courage (“full disclosure!” & your own charisma, Dee. The voices that chime in today, awesome!
Aw thanks Fleury, and yes aren’t they…I’m man-marked by this huge safety net and that’s the most awesome thing of all. I count my blessings daily, you’re all amazing 🙂
Here with you. & I’m taking this opportunity to reflect on this journey… Oh hell yes, that binge is still a part of me. Even as I go so many months into my food sobriety, right?
Now, are we ahead of the game? Well, yes.
Sorry it blindsided you, & left you shaken. Love, Fleury
Thanks lovely…it’s just a bastard isn’t it, that it’s so deeply routed in our DNA. We’ll bloody beat this Fleury, or die trying!
Yes when we fall we don’t just stub a toe, rub it better and move right along limping bit do we? No, we chuck ourselves off a mountain bump right the way down to the bottom and then eat some more on the basis that we are now sad and hurt and we deserve it! Totally screwed up fat girl thinking but you’ve done it, analysed it and shared it so now draw a big thick black line under it pull on your cycling shorts and move right along. X
Jan
Absolutely Jan, you hit the nail on the head, no half measures here under any banner, right? Appreciate your wise words x
Echoing Mimi: sitting here with you. I’ve been there (and I think many of us have been there). And having been in your shoes, I know how hard it is not to beat yourself up. Maybe try to imagine it was one of us out here in the ether reporting the same bad day to you? What would you say to any of us? You’d remind us that even though things feel black and white, all or nothing, deprivation or indulgence, that’s a false construct, a maddening trick our brain plays on us. And I know you’d be compassionate.
So. Sending compassion your way. And reminding you to treat yourself as I know you’d treat others. We’re with you.
Aw thanks chick, you’re all far more forgiving of me than I am of myself but then isn’t that always the case! Your support means the world, thank you ?
Dee, you were sugar free for most of this year. When did you eat some sugar? I’ve tried to go back in posts and pinpoint it, but I can’t find it. Did you eat sugar or am I just having a senior moment?
All that to say, some people’s cravings are triggered by having sugar. Then they want all the food. Is this a possibility with you?
Anyway, all the best. I’ve been there, and old habits are very hard to break! Sending you my best wishes…
Eileen
Thanks Eileen, and you are of course right…when I started messing with my food budget I found myself with days where I could eat seventy points or more, and I was arrogant enough to imagine that under the circumstances I could reintroduce just a little bit of sweet stuff. Epic fail, rinse and repeat ?
My only thought is that we can’t be 100% all the time – and maybe you need to allow yourself some of these treats during the journey so that when they are at a meeting you don’t feel like you haven’t had anything and you deserve it. I agree with you – it’s not fair. It sucks actually. I was going to a school function on Monday where they were serving deep dish pizza – and I gave serious brain power the ENTIRE WEEK about whether or not to eat the pizza. In the end – I ate 1 slice of pizza – pretracked it in the morning so worked the day around it. But I lamented and tortured my brain about it for days. And even after I had it – it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.
Anyway – my advice is NOT to be 100% clean – it’s too rigid and makes it too easy to fall off the rails. Good luck getting back on – don’t be so hard on yourself 🙂
Thanks Beth, I feel like I’m climbing down from the ledge. It’s a funny one, this clean eating issue. I need to mull it over! Have a lovely weekend x
There is just something about being bored or being in pain that makes eating right harder than usual. I have been there this week being side lined with my injury.
Its time to re-group and get back on plan and doing what you know works.
I hope you have a better weekend and take care of yourself.
Thanks Susan, I hope you’re feeling better ?
No wise words, just sitting here with you. Bad days happen, we get up and move on.
It’s not for the rest of your life, it’s just for today, the only day you have.
For some reason Mimi that brought a lump to my throat. Thanks lovely ?