I was in text conversation with the God of Pain yesterday morning – he’s one step ahead of all of us you see, and he makes us book our sessions in advance. It scuppers the chance of any of us coming down with a case of can’t-be-arsed-itus, you know in that moment when you step in from work, tired and hungry after a long day and the prospect of pulling on your exercise pants and doing a 360 out the door again is just too grim? Once you’ve booked your sessions for the week, the thought of having to explain to his nibs why you’re not now going doesn’t exactly make you feel warm and fuzzy inside and is best avoided…when you’ve committed, you pretty much have to follow through.
To be fair, I reckon that’s why I’m still going, ten months after I started…I need that kind of discipline. A big anonymous gym where nobody would even notice, much less give a shit if I didn’t turn up would play right into the hands of my Asshole voice…come on Dee, you’ve had a long day. Sit down, take a load off and have a hob-nob. Go tomorrow instead. We’ve all been there, right? I’m sure it’s not just me. However, there’s bugger all chance of that happening on his watch, and I’m more grateful for that than I can even tell you.
Anyway, as I was booking my session, I happened to mention that I was on day 79 of my food sobriety, and on Sunday I’m due to graduate from his 3 month clean eating programme. Not only that, but according to his scale, last weekend I was only 1lb over the lowest weight he’s ever logged next to my name. And of course that’s made me extra extra extra determined to get under that number by my next Kingdom of Pain weigh-in.
When I said as much to him, he pinged a text back and warned me not to starve myself, and I just stared at the phone in disbelief…I mean, come on, has he met me? I wouldn’t be capable of doing that if my fucking life depended on it.
Or, would I..? It’s an interesting question.
Does anyone ever set out to get to that place where the exhilaration of flying down the scale pushes the desire to eat off their radar altogether? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not likely to be teetering on the edge of anorexia anytime soon, but I wonder whether the folk who are ever intended to end up in a place where hunger becomes their best friend and the thought of food tips them over the edge.
As I laid in bed last night kicking the tyres of what I wanted to write about today, I remember feeling a bit of a thrill as I realised I was peckish…I’d had a decent supper when I got in from my class, but I’d gone to bed with some of my food budget left on the table and God of Pain’s words jumped up and bit me in the ass, you know? Don’t go starving yourself…
I’ve spent my whole life avoiding hunger pangs. God forbid one might sneak up and catch me unawares. I’ve rarely been more than three feet from an emergency snack, and whilst I appreciate hunger pangs don’t hurt exactly, I’ve always avoided them in the same way I’d avoid a dose of the clap. Hunger pangs are definitely persona non-grata in my world.
And yet. There I was, feeling my concave stomach – alright come on, I know I’m shaped like a buddha but cut me a bit of creative license here – embracing the hint of hunger like a kind of badge of honour. I could’ve gone back downstairs and had a crumpet, but I didn’t want to. I wanted to lay there enjoying the skinny experience and get jiggy with my hunger pang.
What’s that all about?
I’ve been on the fence about whether or not to comment on this post, so please take what I say as my own personal experience only, not something I think applies to everyone. For me, losing weight and liking my body for the first time in my life (err…25 years ago now), was empowering. I enjoyed choosing clothing that I liked (not just whatever fit), and felt, at first, much more confident.
But for me, binge eating and/or eating to the point of feeling over-full, was self-medication. I ate to numb bad experiences/feelings, etc. The thing about getting a handle on my eating meant that I removed what had been a highly effective way of “medicating” myself for my anxiety. I replaced that form of medication with the high I got from not eating. And after several years of that (and in the midst of an extremely unhappy marriage), I took to binge eating again. Wash, rinse, repeat. (I’m happy to say that for the past eight years I’ve been at a stable, healthy weight, plus or minus 10 pounds.)
For me (and some others), behaviors can have an addictive component. (I know others who substituted over-eating with over-consumption of alcohol and/or drug use, and vice versa.) And even when I addressed my issues professionally, I know I am still prone to medicating myself when I can’t tolerate a situation.
Are you at risk for something like this? I don’t know you well enough, and I would never presume to guess what goes on in someone else’s head. But I think it’s a really good sign that you’re noticing and acknowledging your feelings. When we undergo a radical lifestyle change, it can’t help but ripple into other parts of our lives, conscious and not-conscious, you know?
m thank you so much for sharing your story…I have an incredibly addictive personality so can totally relate. I’m glad you got the better of your demons, and if you’ve more or less maintained for 25 years you’re a rock star! In recent times my drug of choice has been handbags, and I buy far too many. I guess at least they don’t fill out my pants!
Yes, it is possible to eat so little your body refuses to burn fat, slowing the metabolism instead. And yes, a person can come to a place where food is the enemy and some of them have to be hospitalized. No one sets out to be that way, but it happens.
I’m taking note of all these wise words Mimi 🙂
The God of Pain was cautioning you against restricting food so low to get a certain number–or fit in a certain dress, or for a certain event (like a hike across Cuba, for instance)–and setting up for a backlash that will inevitably follow. He’s a pro and can spot the cycle. You can cast your mind back and see the pattern.
Stay the course and the results MUST follow. It’s physics.
Love ya, Dee! xoMargaret
Thanks Margaret! What would I do without you guys!
Yes, he’s sooo right and I’ve been so tempted to tell you the same thing. You have to eat if you want to lose weight. In FACT, if you don’t eat enough, you slow your metabolism down to the point where it won’t work anymore. These are two articles I go to regularly with people who insist on eating 1200 calories per day or who insist on ONLY eating their designated WW points and never eating their workout calories:
https://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/how-to-lose-weight.html
http://blog.myfitnesspal.com/why-undereating-wont-actually-help-you-lose-weight/
When I first started working out with Dmitriy, he told me I had to do things his way or he couldn’t help me. Part of that was eating. I had to eat. I was eating 1300 calories per day (ish) and he increased it to 1700 and told me he’d rather see me OVER eat than UNDER eat. I was like, “WHAT?” He said, “If you don’t do things this way, I can’t help you. You have to eat to get your metabolism going.”
He was right. I shed over 20 lbs. in two months. I lost close to 50 lbs. in a heartbeat and went from a US size 16 in December to a 12 in January to an 8 in March to a 4 in August. I am still a size 4 and I eat over 2,000 calories per day.
You have to eat.
Tracey that’s awesome, thanks so much for the info ?
Since you are exercising a lot you do need to eat your allotment of daily calories. You don’t want to mess up your metabolism by not eating enough.
No danger of that Susan! ?