It occurred to me on the way home from work yesterday that I didn’t have much food in the house. Or, to put it another way there wasn’t much food in that I could actually eat, which isn’t necessarily one and the same thing. It was day two of my new year, and I needed to head off the can’t be arsed to cook so I’ll just eat [insert highly unsuitable foodstuff HERE] situation that I knew was brewing.
I was on a roll…porridge for breakfast, salad and couscous at lunchtime, and a blank canvas for supper. Oh, and absolutely no junk, which hadn’t exactly filled me with joy as I’d gone through my day. Walking down the corridor at work yesterday with my afternoon cuppa I would have sold my granny for something sweet to go with it, you know?
I’ve got to re-break all those habits that I’ve slipped back into, and it’s a bit like starting from scratch. There’s always food in the office and really, come on surely one cake bar can’t hurt if I count the points? Except it’s hard to have just one, they’re gone in a heartbeat after all and anyway how is it even possible that something you can eat in under half a minute can contain a quarter of your daily points? In spite of all that, just recently I seem to have had difficulty forming the word no.
To be fair, it was a bit easier to say no yesterday, because I’d had an email from God of Pain first thing in the morning inviting me to a post-Christmas weigh-in with the intention of helping me to review my goals…cue bowels turning to liquid. The thoughts galloped through my head like a fucking freight train. Oh my GOD he’s really going to freak out on my ass, I’ve gained another seven pounds since my last bollocking and now I’m going to get his disappointed face which is even worse than his pissed off face…
Actually he’s pretty understanding about the bingeing – he knows a food addict when he sees one. But there are limits and I don’t want to start pushing his buttons. So I ‘fessed up in my return email. I figured it was better to manage his expectations and give him time to wrap his brain around the fact that I’ve packed six months’ worth of dodgy food choices into the ten day holiday window, and I’m now carrying the results around in my pants.
So, as I hit the supermarket last night off the back of my second clean day, I was doing okay. Right up until I clocked all the reduced holiday food. As I poked around in the meat section looking for chicken, my eyes were drawn to all the yellow stickers which were practically screaming BUY ME!! Mini venison pies with buttery shortcrust pastry, reduced to pennies. Filo pastry parcels bursting with goats cheese and onion marmalade, reduced to pennies. Christmas selection boxes with all manner of goodies inside, reduced to fucking pennies. And I couldn’t buy any of it.
As I stomped back to the car clutching my chicken and vegetables I felt like howling with rage that I’d had to pass on a mountain of fat-girl-wet-dream food. It wasn’t fair, in fact at that moment life felt very unfair and I narrowly avoided having a full on diva strop right there in the car park as I raged about the fact that I was a) fat and b) on a diet.
I’ve still got a face on about it to be honest. It’s hard. Being good sucks. I went to bed last night and dreamed about mini venison pies. That said, I survived day two…and there are no points in mini venison pies if all you do is dream about them, right?
Come on day three, let’s see what you’ve got.
This is exactly how i felt all the years i was growing up. How come everyone else can eat as much XXXXX as they want, and i can’t even pass by the empty wrapper without picking up pounds by inhaling the smell!
It is patently unfair, but it’s the hand i was dealt, and i have to play it.
I felt like a big baby wanting a massive strop Mimi!
I hear you sister! The channel I’ve been trying to change in my head is why NOT treating my body as a trash bin for discount goodies feels like a punishment? I’m trying to reverse to equation and convince myself loving myself enough to not do it is a reward. Not quite convinced yet, but I’m working on it.
Oh me too Kiera, me too…it’s all topsy turvy and on an intellectual level I get it, but emotionally it sucks!
Heya Dee, Happy 2017! I’ve been watching the post Cuba slide from out here in California and nodding my head. You are on the same track most of us follow who do this long term–down, up, really now… enough already, then up some more… then hopefully down. (You’re at the first up stage.)
If you look at the online weight loss world, you’ll see this pattern everywhere. A lot of bloggers who were initially successful are now stuck at that “then up some more” stage and can’t seem to find the down button. They will eventually, I only bring this up so you can use your research skills and see how the journey typically goes. This is the default path.
I don’t mean to suggest you are doomed to default. You haven’t given up which is really good or decided you are go just going to “listen to your body” and “eat intuitively” in which case the pattern goes to “bigger than where you started” instead of “down.” You have avoided that trap so far, bravo!
To avoid the two more gaining cycles (which I believe you can if you see them coming–hence the research suggestion), maybe try writing more. That worked in the beginning–I don’t mean you have to write more to post as a blog, but you can write for yourself. And re-read that article you bookmarked about habits–it’s shockingly good. Are you fixing a leaky tap by repainting the kitchen?
Also, the God of Pain (Ha!) is your best friend. He’s seen a lot of people go through this journey and can help you avoid the hard path, the default way.
Rooting you on, as always…
Margaret
Oh God the day I say I’m going to listen to my body is the day I abandon any hope altogether, I’d be on a mobility scooter in six months on the outside! I’d love to write more, I really would. It’s nigh on impossible to squeeze it in, I do jot down thoughts and stuff, but once I committed to finding the time to exercise it all got a bit harder to juggle. Writing helps, massively. Thanks for your support Margaret, I know you’re pulling for me 🙂
Hell yeah, it is worth the effort of brushing off the onslaught of holiday leftovers. This time next month, I expect to be a lot less vulnerable. (My controlled eating will be sustaining me, my cravings will be on the ebb again, thank heaven, and the stores will have fobbed off their inventory on some other poor bastard).
Think of me, I’m with you on this. All us folks, remember we’re not alone.
We’re not alone Fleury, it really helps to compare war wounds with a few kindred spirits doesn’t it!
Reading your post this morning as I’m eating an egg white veggie omelette and I did a 45 Zumba DVD at 5:30 am. Being good DOES SUCK. My mantra for 2017 is NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES. 2017 is yours for the taking Dee – you’ve got this!
Oh Beth, an egg white omelette..? That’s positively angelic! Does it taste of anything? You’re sprinting out of the traps towards skinny, I’m hot on your heels lady!!
So 1 cup of egg whites is 1 point — that’s a protein/point bargain in my book! With lots of veggies and some salsa – that kept me full until about 10:30 this morning. I have that a lot of times before going out for the evening – really takes the edge off. Here in the states you can get liquid egg whites in a carton. Give it a try 🙂
I will Beth…I’ve never seen it in cartons over here, so I’ll investigate!
Ocado and Waitrose sell Two Chicks egg whites (I’ve even seen them on the shelf in bigger Waitroses) and you can also order them online from Muscle Food. I like to use them to bulk out scrambled eggs or omelettes, not such a big fan of them on their own.
Ahhh…right then thanks I’ll look out for them ??
Yay for resisting the temptation in the grocery store. Rule number one for me is NEVER go grocery shopping when hungry never!
Slowly but surely your getting back in the groove keep it going! You can do this!
I can Susan, we all can…I’m feeling better today, I’ve stopped feeling mad!
Dee, so what did the God of Pain say in response to your email? I mean, it is what it is. You can’t go forward if you keep looking back. And absolutely no good comes from shame. So, bravo to you for avoiding the venison pies. I made butternut squash soup on Monday and have been eating that as my dinner carbs all week and it’s been truly satisfying. A little sweetness to bring me up and no guilt to bring me down. Two days down. Day three – here we go!
He asked me what day I got to! He wouldn’t shame me, but he makes you want to do well and lets you know when you’re falling short of his expectations!! Day three going well so far!
well done on confessing to the god of pain – i saw the email and my heart sank but I replied immediately 🙂
I have cleared out the last of the christmas goodies into the outside bin and face the scales at weight watchers tonight but I need to get back on track as well xx
I think we’re all in the same boat Paula!