You know, don’t you, when you wake up brimming with determination that today’s the day you’re going to tip your world the right way up again, but then you go downstairs and eat a mince pie for breakfast that the day is going to be one of those days, where the diet turns to shit before you’ve even left the house.
That mince pie totally set me off on the wrong path this morning. Thirty seconds of heaven, followed by an hour in the car on my morning commute where I sat and sulked at my stupidity, and sang along to no songs on the radio. Not even the Mariah Carey All I Want For Christmas song, during which I normally am Mariah Carey for that brief moment in time, usually at the very top of my lungs.
To add insult to injury, I lifted said mince pie out of its foil jacket on the kitchen counter, right next to my new bathroom scales which are sitting on the counter top impassively – we haven’t eyeballed each other yet – waiting to be programmed. Oh yes that’s right, programmed. User one, name ‘fat knacker’. When I figure out which buttons to press I have to enter my height and my age so it can ruin my day in a bells and whistles kind of way by reporting not only my weight but also my BMI and my water content, although how it knows that is anybody’s guess. I already know we’re not going to see eye to eye.
For the first time today, the Asshole voice tested the water by suggesting that I start again on the first Monday in the New Year. I closed him down immediately of course, good grief if it becomes open season between now and then, I’ll be lumbering into January with some serious regained poundage clinging to my arse. No doubt about it. So I’ll just carry on having these exhausting daily negotiations inside my own head about whether I should/shouldn’t/can/can’t/will/won’t eat whatever the fuck I want.
I know I’ve put more weight on. I can feel it on my body. I just don’t know how much because although my new scales arrived last Wednesday they remain in virgin un-stood-on condition. I tried to programme my details in but it didn’t do what the booklet said it would do when I pressed whatever I was supposed to press, so I gave up immediately and decided to try again later. It’s now eight days later and I’ve just not quite worked my way around to having another go.
Avoidance tactics…self-sabotage…mince pies for breakfast. I’m being a pillock.
But I’m still trying. I’m not giving up, and I’m definitely not starting over on the first Monday after New Year. I’m starting again today.
Have a great weekend folks…before you go, I’m delighted to share a new guest post on my Thoughts From The Posse page…thank you Jamie for sharing your story, and I’m sure you guys will pitch in with your support like you always do… 🙂
Our Mimi’s having ‘bot’ issues again – is anyone else having trouble posting?
oh, all you folks are giving me more to think about, too. & I’m needing it. So, how do I keep some sort of momentum for Year 2, or Year 3, 4, 15…? I agree the Shitbird (a.k.a. Asshole) voice plays a changing role in my head. Did I successfully pull all her teeth in the course of the last year’s musings? That fucker is still capable of squawking at me at inopportune moments, mostly when my morale is precarious. Then what other insidious forces and neuroses are in play, when you get a knee-jerk reflex to eat something (comma, Eat ALL of something, eat more of it, topped off with something else)….
So, so true that the real transformation happens on the “input” side of ourselves. Keep on, keep restarting & realize it is the Process and NOT the product! Maybe Year 5 is gonna feel like I can keep on with the practice of living like a person who isn’t running scared from all those lifelong demons & voices.
BTW, saying that, I remind you that caving to Scale intimidation got us into the rip-tide before! Love ya, Fleury
I think year five is perhaps a tad optimistic Fleury…maybe in year 20 I might crack the nut! Or then again maybe not…grrr!!
This is such a challenging time of year with all that’s going on – and I do think that it’s very tempting to have JANUARY 1st in big bold letters waiting for us at the end of the finish line (although I’ve got my son’s bday that day so it usually is Jan. 2 that is my big re-start day). But I’m sort of trying to be a little forgiving (imagine that?) and know that if I gain and lose the same pound this month I’ll feel okay with that. Last weekend I overindulged big time — and didn’t track which makes it even worse. SO I gained a pound. I’m feeling better this week about things – and I’m planning – so chances are I’ll lose it. But then the week after that is winter break and the holidays and who knows. I’m trying to stay on track but the second half of December is very non-routine and celebratory!
I guess what I’m saying is don’t be too hard on yourself – you’re doing a lot of reflecting which is great. Maybe spend some time journaling and writing down your goals for 2017 — and all of the great things you accomplished in 2016! Don’t let 5 or 10 pounds gained take away from all of the great things you’ve done for yourself
Wise words Beth – it’s just a minefield, but I keep remembering that I hardly struggled with it at all last year…I was a proper smug bugger back then!
Is that scale the Aria–the one that connects with Fit Bit? If you ever get it working, let me know if you like it. I was trying to decide if it’s worth the money.
Throw those mince pies in the trash! (I don’t know think I’ve ever tried mince pie–maybe that’s like throwing a brand spanking new apple pie in the trash–a true tragedy). Anyway–love that you said you’re not waiting until tomorrow to start over 🙂
No they’re weight watchers ones Jamie…I’m sure they’ll talk to something digital somewhere but I’ve had all on figuring out how to switch the rotten things on ? And yes think apple pie to the power of ten in terms of deliciousness…fml !!
Good job ingnoring the Asshole Voice and not waiting to start over. Ate the pie…kick yourself….move on ?
Done Lori, I moved on, and it was the last one so no danger of repeat!
Some how you have go to stop listening to the damn asshole voice in your head. It always leads you down the wrong path! Always! Stand up to that voice and tell it to shut up!! I had/have to do that to mine as well.
When we meet again on Monday I hope you have set your scale and weighed in. Knowing is better than not knowing or guessing about your weight.
I am glad you are not waiting for a new year to start again. Baby steps, one day at a time, one meal at a time if necessary.
Indeed Susan. I’ve planned next week very carefully and there are no parties functions or gatherings so the seed of hope is growing ?
Having a mince pie for breakfast isn’t a disaster (although I agree with the above commenter that if it’s an issue for you, it shouldn’t be in your environment to tempt you)! One is something like 200-400 calories. That’s a reasonable number of calories for breakfast. Nutritionally, it’s not a great choice and you might find yourself getting hungry before lunch but it doesn’t ruin your whole day.
If you slip up, it’s okay. Just start again at the next meal and do your best. Organise your environment to make the choices you want to make the easiest (i.e. don’t buy mince pies, and if you do put them on the top shelf and leave a healthy breakfast out for yourself). Make the goal the behaviour, not the outcome. The goal is to eat a balanced meal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Just keep going.
As a side note… it seems like at first naming the Asshole voice gave you power over him. Because you named him and separated him from who you were and what you want, you could say no. But lately… it feels like when you do something you didn’t want to do, it’s because you felt like you couldn’t say no to the Asshole voice. You don’t seem to have that power over him any more, the confidence that you can overrule him, that you can achieve your goal. It seems like you feel like you’ll inevitably give in, so you might as well get it over with. I recognise this because I have the same tendency. It’s hard, but I know that you can succeed if you keep pushing, and do what you can to organise your life so he has fewer and fewer chances to stick his oar in.
Oh Mary you know what, one of the things I most love about you guys is the way you gently but firmly hold the mirror up in my face and force me to look. There’s so much to respond to in your note, in fact too much for in here…I can feel a blog post coming on!
Why on earth do you have mince pie sitting around your house?
Because the Asshole voice accompanied me down the mince pie aisle when I did my supermarket shop ??