Well, yesterday’s post really struck a chord with you lot, and I’ll tell you what else, it reconfirmed to me that I’m not alone in this journey. I’m not the only one who has an asshole living inside my head and just because I argue with myself about whether I should or shouldn’t go/do/eat/work out it doesn’t make me a freak of nature. I’m normal. It’s irritating but it doesn’t mean the men in white coats need to come and cart me off.
Back in the early days when I first started writing, I remember feeling a bit guilty because my growing band of subscribers weren’t getting much drama out of my journey. I was locked and loaded into that sweet spot, and temptation crumbled to dust once it hit my orbit…it barely even registered in the early days. I ignored naughties of all descriptions whilst I was busy tipping out the contents of my head for examination. Life was easy, you know?
Now it feels like all you get is drama. I’m walking a tightrope and to say I’m wobbling all over the place is an understatement. I felt less isolated and a lot less scared once I’d talked about my post-trek struggle to stay focused because so many of you reached out to say it’s okay…it’s a thing. I felt reassured, but to be honest that’s starting to wear a bit thin now…I’m still wobbling and it’s pissing me right off.
Take yesterday for example – I’d arranged to meet a colleague at the motorway services so I could leave my car there and travel with him to a team meeting. I nipped in to pay for my parking and the lady behind the counter offered me a big bar of chocolate for a pound. As I was shaking my head and saying no, I noticed it was Daim chocolate and my pound was in her till before my head even had time to process the fact that I’d walked out with my parking receipt in one hand and a bar of chocolate in the other.
All the way down to the meeting I convinced myself that I’d offer the chocolate to everyone else and by the time I’d gone around the table there wouldn’t be enough left for it to put a significant dint in my diet. So boys and girls, let’s have a pop quiz.
How many squares of chocolate did my team eat? No Squares. And how many squares of chocolate did I eat? All the fucking squares. I know. That wasn’t in the plan. Neither was the posh fish finger sandwich at the local pub at lunchtime, accompanied by my second lot of cheesy chips in a week. I did have the good grace to go to bed without supper last night but I’m very sure that I weighed more when I went to bed than I did when I woke up yesterday morning. Two steps forward and two steps back again.
The thing is, this time last year, you couldn’t have paid me enough money to make me take a square of chocolate, and I would have faced a firing squad before considering a cheesy chip. I would have happily sat there and watched all my team eat cheesy chips without batting an eyelid, because I was on the road to Skinny Town and nothing was knocking me into the ditch, right? My resolve was cast-iron, rock-solid, and at least ten times more watertight than a duck’s backside. Now..? Now I’m a pushover in the battle for supremacy between me and the asshole in my head…I feel like I’m on the ropes.
And I’m terrified. What if I’ve lost it? I mean I know I’ve lost it momentarily, but what if I can’t find it again? This wasn’t supposed to happen. I can live with the odd bit of drama but for fucks sake there are limits…it’s turning into an almost daily occurrence.
I get lots of mail from people who’ve hit the skids and don’t know how to claw their way back into that sweet spot. I hear you sistahs…I’m right there in a heap with you. We’ll just have to help each other figure this shit out.
I’m not giving up…not in this lifetime. Today’s a new day and anyone who tries to wave a cheesy chip under my nose is going down. That is all 🙂
Hi Dee, what a rough spot you are in but you can come out of it and be stronger for it. Just commit to one day or even one hour at a time if that is what it takes. Also, set yourself another challenge that is not weight-related but will be easier to do if you weigh less. The Camino de Santiago springs to mind (http://caminoways.com/)
Just a thought.
Mo
Oh wow that looks stunning Mo…there are so many things I’d like to do, cycling in Europe is one of them. Today was a good day…finally!
check out the movie “The Way,” w/Martin Sheen.
Without renouncing yr life, career, etc., can you walk the first segment of the Camino? Or the last? hmmm….
Hmmm…could all of us…? OMG Fleury, just imagine!!
You really have my sympathy about self-sabotage, and I really hope you find a way out of it. Can I share with you a book that is really helping me? Why Eating Less and Exercising More Makes You Fat, by Stephanie Moore. It goes into the science of our addiction to the wrong foods. I don’t have any interest in the book, so this isn’t an ad – I hope if you do read it you get some benefit from it.
Aw thanks Sally…I’ll put it on my kindle, and thank you. I can feel you all mobilising behind my struggle and I’m so grateful ?
Morning, Glory! This is a great one. Spot on…. Yes there are a lot of us tumbled in these box-cars.
In 2015 you were just getting up an angry head of steam. This year we can still count off those very good reasons for our anger, but are having trouble tapping into that PUSH from the combustion. You know, exhaustion, frustration, disappointment, ridicule, isolation & immobility. Hunger. Panic. A scary sense that you weren’t even living your actual life with your own body or personality. The certainty that a meaningful age marker was imminent, and a couple more were just discarded somewhere behind you, with no stone to mark the places where they got jettisoned.
2016 is already a success, admit it!@ Let’s get busy, guys. I’m still clinging like a barnacle to this platform, even when I don’t really feel it clicking under my soles.
I believe in our skinny journey. How to stoke this locomotive is still a live issue.
Suspect it always will be Fleury! No question of commitment, or how to. Doing it however…Aargh!!!!!
Ultimately this journey comes down to taking it one day at a time. For today make healthy choices. Get up tomorrow and do it again, then the next day and so on.
On the days you stumble forgive yourself then move on and make the right next choice. That’s all I’ve got hope it helps. You can do this look how far you have come!
Thanks Susan, one day at a time eh?
Heya Dee–this is also a thing. I call it “learned cheating”. What’s happened is that a year ago, if you cheated, you believed it would end the journey. Total fear. Fast forward. You cheated. The world didn’t end. You can “fix it in post” as we say at work. So, your brain learned cheating doesn’t have the dire consequences that you once believed. It’s through learned cheating that most re-gains happen. If you survey the weight loss blogs of the last ten years, most of them re-gained once their brain was trained to cheat.
(Learned cheating doesn’t just doom diets: it’s the same for infidelity, theft, any sort of 12 step relapse, etc.. the first lapse is a BIG DEAL, but when nada major happens, well..)
The few who meet goal and keep it off, realized the “learned cheating” trap and made major commitments to battle it. But it is very, very tricky to make your brain believe anything once it has experience to the contrary. If you don’t master this, the most likely outcome is that you will–slowly–regain the weight you’ve lost.
It’s a thing. 🙁
Ok so this is a thing too? Right, well that’s a bucket of cold water message and I’m grateful…it comes at exactly the right time. Regain what I’ve lost? No chance. No no no no NO. Thank you Margaret…that’s hit the spot.
Not only is it a thing–it’s one that EVERYONE has to figure out. Usually, people don’t do it until maintenance (so, basically, what we’re saying is that you are advanced, Dee, top of the class! :)) because getting smaller/healthier can motivate peeps to stick to it. But when that doesn’t work anymore and the brain learns how to cheat… yeah, ‘learned cheating’ is THE thing. So, you were going to have to crack it anyway. By doing it now, you will find staying at goal far easier than others. It’s a small silver lining, but true. 🙂
Well that’s extra incentive to crack it then, right? I’m hearing all this for the first time…I just need to master it ?
My sister just told me that its proper term is “normalization of deviation”. Who knew??
Oh my, it sounds like some kind of affliction! But thank you Margaret,I’ll try and find some info…knowledge is power after all ?
C.S. Lewis, in The Screwtape Letters, talked about The Law of Undulation. Everything in our lives is like a wave, ups and downs. If you look at your whole life, everything, physical health, emotional well being, spirituality, everything, goes up and down in a wave pattern. The problem we face is, when we are in a trough, we think it will last forever, this is how it is. When we are on the peak of a high wave, we think it will last forever, this is how it is. It’s never forever. Downs will follow the ups and be followed by downs and ups again.
Knowing it doesn’t last forever makes it easier to fight your way through the low spots. Don’t give up, the high point will come again.
Thanks for the words of encouragement Mimi ?