It’s funny you know, when it dawned on me last week that I was actually missing the sessions down in the Kingdom of Pain as I rested my neck, I did ponder long and hard about whether I was only desperate to go because I’d been told I couldn’t, or whether I did actually miss it. It’s sort of human nature to want what we can’t have, and I’m really really good at that.
Let me give you an example…a couple of weeks ago I was working in London, and about fifteen minutes into the train journey on the way there, the catering manager came over the PA system and apologised for the fact that there were no hot drinks available from the trolley service because the urn was broken. Now, if I tell you that in all the years I’ve spent buzzing up and down the East Coast mainline, I’ve never purchased a single hot drink, you’d rightly assume that this malfunctioning urn wouldn’t exactly put a crimp in my day, right?
Wrong. From the minute those words settled into my ears, all I wanted was a steaming cup of coffee, and I sat and seethed to myself at the prospect of having to go without. As the trolley made its way down the carriage towards me, I thought of all the put-downs I could use if the trolly dolly had the audacity to ask whether I wanted anything…well yes, as it happens. I wanted coffee. But *gritted teeth* I can’t have it, can I? Disappointing…*shakes head* I mean it’s just not good enough. Poor woman was obviously at the mercy of the wonky urn so of course I didn’t say anything, but still I seethed like a mardy child.
Thing is, I didn’t want coffee until someone told me I couldn’t have it. And from there it’s all I wanted. Is it just me, or do you lot do that too? I’ve always been a bit the same, in fact I think it’s one of the reasons that the wheels have come off my attempts to lose weight over and over and over again down the years.
The feeling of wanting what I can’t have has overwhelmed me so many times when I’ve been ‘on a diet’. I’ve found myself becoming utterly pre-occupied with the things I can’t have rather than focusing on the things that I can eat ’till the cows come home, and eventually it’s tipped me over the edge into another dieting fail.
So after missing a week’s worth of sessions and feeling aggrieved that I couldn’t go, the acid test was always going to be how I felt when I went back to my first class last weekend, and I’m happy to report that yes, I actually wanted to be there. Enjoyed being there. I mean don’t get me wrong, I still grunted my way through the dratted kettle bell exercises, and sweated my cahoonies off as I moved from one torture station to the next, but what I’ve come to a genuine appreciation of is the fact that I can now move.
More and more, the difference between my old life and this new active healthy life is clear and present. I feel good, I’m looking better and that big old penny has finally dropped, you know? The link between cause and effect is very obvious, in fact it’s right under my nose.
I do this, and I get this.
So I’m embracing the cause, as well as the effect. I’m loving the effect, which in turn is actually making the cause more lovable. And it’s a place I never believed I’d get to, which makes it all the more precious. I only stuck at this whole exercise malarkey because of my commitment to do the trek. I only committed to the trek because I knew it would force me to stick to my diet. I pegged my long term goal from all angles and look what happened…it’s working.
My advice to anyone who’s having a wobble would be decide what you want, and go after it with everything you’ve got. It’s worth it, and so are you 🙂
By the way, did I mention that thanks to the awesome support from both you lot and my friends and colleagues I’ve hit my fundraising target…? To all of you who’ve supported me with that, genuinely thank you from the very bottom of my soul. That said, the only thing better than hitting a target is exceeding it…hehehe 🙂
