I was so busy earlier in the week looking backwards at Disasterville that I forgot to tell you about my adventures at the weekend. On Saturday, I met up with a few of my fellow Kingdom of Pain devotees for an organised walk…they’re all rooting for me and throwing everything they’ve got at this project to get me fit enough to conquer the mountain, which is astonishing when you consider that up until a couple of months ago I’d never met most of them. They are awesome people.

One or two of them walk as a hobby, and what Saturday’s walk did was demonstrate that although I walk quite a bit now, by comparison I’m very obviously a complete novice. I do walk off road most of the time these days on footpaths and bridle ways but I must confess I’m a bit of a fanny…I usually pick as clean a path as possible and it would be fair to say I’ve not gone out of my way to find challenging terrain. I’ve never done like actual fields.

Saturday felt like a whole different ball game. I realised when we all met up that maybe this wasn’t going to be a walk in the park, since my new walking boots and socks were immediately eclipsed by the array of equipment everyone else came with. Rucksacks, poles and maps seemed a bit excessive for a cheeky stroll around the local beauty spots, right? Uhuh…that’s the sound of a misguided sense of security, in case you were wondering.

We went off piste. We did actually walk through the park, but then we took a left turn on a path I’d never even noticed before and all of a sudden we were in fields, scrambling over stiles and squeezing through narrow gaps in walls. We met some donkeys, skirted around a field of cows, and passed through at least two farms.

It was fun, and I enjoyed it a lot but I discovered two things. Nettles really fucking sting if you’re wearing Capri pants, and if your dog eats cow pats, cleaning up after him the next day actually makes you hurl. Some of the gang produced snacks and water and even a first aid kit from the depths of their rucksacks, and I realised that perhaps my messenger bag with dog poo sacks, lippy and a pair of sunglasses left me rather under-equipped for this real sort of walking. We only covered around three miles but I was knackered by the time we got back.

However, what Saturday also did, was tee me up nicely for Sunday.

Some of us on the Cuba trek team had decided to get in a cheeky practise walk just to see how we went on, you know? To be fair it’s been in the diary for a few weeks, but the timing was perfect given that I was trying to undo the collateral damage from the back end of last week…it’d be fair to say I was looking for any opportunity to burn a few extra calories. Saturday had helped push me back into the zone, and Sunday was the start of my new dieting week so I was up for the challenge.

And Sunday was a challenge. I mean a whopping great in your face kind of challenge. We walked for seven miles, over really hard terrain. Well, for me it was…the other guys seemed used to it, but you know what, I kept up. I did okay. It was all fields, uneven underfoot, peppered with nettles and thistles and the sort of mud which at times tried to suck my walking boots right off my feet.

We got lost, and at one point we had to climb over a big gate to get into the next field only to be met by a herd of about forty cows, who decided they were a bit pissed off that we’d ventured into their territory, and gave chase. In case you’ve ever wondered, it is possible for three grown-ups and a cocker spaniel to hide behind a tree. And it’s even possible for a fat lass to show an impressive burst of speed when the chips are down.

If Saturday hadn’t happened, Sunday would’ve been a disaster…Saturday prepared me for the fact that not all walking is easy. On Sunday, I had a rucksack. Well, I say that…it’s the one that came with my laptop, so it wasn’t exactly designed with adventure in mind but hey, any hole’s a goal, right? It held water, and healthy snacks, as well as my sunglasses and lippy…

Nobody can say I don’t catch on quick and I’ll tell you what, if those three extra pounds don’t bugger off this week after all that there’ll be hell to pay ?

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