I felt a bit embarrassed today when I got a visual wake-up-call about how my pre-occupation with food might look to other people. Yesterday I forgot to bring the containers home that I’d taken my lunch to work in, so today my feet were fighting for space under the desk with a double helping of airtight boxes. There were six altogether, plus two large plastic cups which I use to chug my blended smoothie of the day on my morning commute.
On top of my desk, nestled amongst actual work stuff you would have found a punnet of plums, a bottle of salad cream, some emergency crackers and a tin of soup. In the bin behind me were a couple of banana skins and an apple core. It must have looked like I’d been under siege for a month, for God’s sake.
I did do a quick recce on everyone else’s desk and I was slightly reassured to find that there was the odd snack or two kicking around other corners of the office but put it this way, if the entire HR team had been kidnapped by aliens, when Mulder and Scully rocked up to investigate they would have known immediately which desk belonged to the fat girl.
It puts me in mind of a conversation I had with my doctor twenty odd years ago. A friend of mine had been to her doctor because she wanted to lose weight, and he’d handed her a prescription for pills to supress her appetite. I wanted to get me a piece of that action so I made an appointment to see someone at my own surgery with the intention of getting my hands on some of these magic beans. It seemed like the perfect answer.
It transpired that my doctor was a little less accommodating. Actually, he was a twat. He sent me off with a flea in my ear and a long lecture about how fat people were unnaturally preoccupied with food and basically I needed to get over myself. He even illustrated said lecture with a story about his own fat friend, who had joined him recently on a skiing holiday and had taken sandwiches ‘for the journey’, which he used as an example of how fat people were different to normal people, and couldn’t bear not to have food within touching distance. Judging by the way he said it he didn’t mean different in a good way.
I’d give anything to have that same conversation with him now, with my additional twenty five years’ worth of life experience and a slightly lower tolerance for being mugged off. I doubt I’d be able to resist commenting on how lucky his fat friend was to have such a supportive chum, you know? I mean, with the 20/20 vision of hindsight I was trying to go about it the wrong way, but I was reaching out, you know? He could have helped me, if he hadn’t been so busy judging me.
It’s the first and last time I ever talked to anyone about how much I was bothered by being fat. Well, until you lot of course. And I’d like to think that I’d get a more supportive response if I went to chat to a healthcare professional about it these days. I wouldn’t, of course…I’d rather stick pins in my eyes than have that conversation. But still, I hope they’d at least give me some leaflets and a bit of advice.
All joking aside, my jaws have barely stopped moving today – I’ve only grazed on low point healthy stuff but I know I need to give some attention to this phobia of hunger pangs. God forbid one might sneak up on me, right?
******************************************************************************************
Before I go, I have some hugely exciting news, and I need your help please! Break Out The Skinny Girl is now available on Kindle Blogs, I mean come on!! We have arrived! It’s become available today in the Kindle Store through Amazon…if you read and enjoy Break Out The Skinny Girl, would you do me the honour of leaving a review on your thoughts about the blog? You can find it HERE It can’t be done on mobile devices only computers or Kindles (no idea why) but thank you, your support as usual means the world to me 🙂
Those diet pills from 20 years ago gave a bunch of people heart failure, so probably just as well that you didn’t take them. In all seriousness, I think our thin doctors forget that part of their job is to show compassion. It’s called a bedside manner. If we go to them for help and they scoff or reject us, who else are we to turn to? I love my doctor. He is amazingly kind. When I say that I’m not fat anymore, he says, “Tracey, you were not fat.” I love that about him. Now when I am worried about gaining a couple pounds between visits, he will say, “You do not need to lose anymore weight. You are healthy as you are.” The what ifs of our lives can haunt us if we let them. I’m glad that we tend to get them off our chest and throw them aside because they have no place on our paths today.
You’re lucky to have a good one Tracey…I’ve had several emails about shocking doctors!
PS. Oh, and when I was a teenager I snuck one of my obese aunt’s diet pills. I think it was an amphetamine, from the result. I certainly wasn’t hungry or interested in food, I ate at the dinner table so people wouldn’t worry or hassle me. I was full of energy. I barely slept for three nights, lying awake listening to my heart pound which was a bit scary. Not recommended. Although that was probably a dose for someone three times my weight.
Years later watching “Family Ties” I saw Alex take a friend’s diet pill so he could stay awake to study for an exam. He ended up cleaning the garage all night instead of studying then falling asleep and missing the actual exam.
Too funny!
I can’t really argue against overweight people being overly preoccupied with food, and needing it within touching distance… at least that is what I’ve always been like! But I think your ex-doctor needed to work on his bedside manner and his “just stop eating so much, you fatty” attitude.
Regarding your phobia about hunger pangs: some diet books that focus on the mental aspects suggest you skip lunch and fast for a while to see that getting hungry isn’t scary. I never agreed. If I skipped lunch I would have a blood sugar crash and been viciously cranky and deeply miserable. But (evangelist mode ON) since I’ve been on my current diet that hasn’t happened. I had lunch at 2pm one day, and I was merely hungry. Just a few tummy rumbles, feeling of wanting food, but nothing else. None of the usual mood swings and feeling sick. I still think about food a lot of the time, but not all of the time. Low carb is really working for me. My blood sugars have stabilised and my cravings have greatly reduced. All on very limited calories!
I’m glad it’s working for you Natalie – I’ve been a big fan of low carb diets, in fact I started this journey that way before I switched to weight watchers. I still keep carbs to a fairly low level even now.
True story. Hey, have no illusions about the quality of medical advice one is likely to get NOW. In 2015, my Dr. was clueless, & frankly not even interested in the subject. I started messing about with this on-line calorie log, on my own.
I am different, & not exactly proud of it. Full Filter-impaired, Social & Hypersensitive tending to reclusive; one love-hate relationship with Food, dysfunctional body image, & fervent arguments with my Invisible Friend from Hell… what a basket case, yeah? My Fat Head doesn’t make me special, it doesn’t make me a bad person. But it brought me to my NOW moment, & then this site. And looky looky! There’s company here. OMG, you mean I’m not all alone in this handbasket??
Your blog is DIFFERENT, & not just because you may be small fry in the blog pond as you point out with becoming modesty. I have browsed through some others….
Hey Fleury-pops…I’m so glad you found us, you’re woven into our story good and proper…I have to smile when you describe yourself, we could be twins!! 🙂