When I was little, my mum used to call me Contrary Mary. She always said it in a jokey way of course but she wasn’t fooling me, there was definitely an occasional undertone of you’re now getting on my last good nerve… I think what frustrated her was how the child who was placid and easy-going one day could do a good impression of the devil child the next. I’m not moody, in fact I don’t have a moody bone in my body. That’s never been the issue…I’m just inconsistent, and my normal can differ from day to day.
I can see how annoying that would be to someone who’s not me…to be fair I’ve driven myself nuts over the last few months especially with the way I’m never quite sure what frame of mind I’m going to wake up in from one day to the next. I’ve noticed it far more since I’ve been dieting, but that’s probably because I’m more tuned in to what’s going on in my head. I’m getting fairly adept at separating my own thoughts from my asshole voice, although knowledge isn’t always power, right?
As soon as I open my eyes in the morning I can generally suss out whether I’m going to sail through the day, or whether I’m going to have to navigate a pathway through the thorns. It’s been a bit of a mixed bag this weekend just gone, in fact Saturday and Sunday were like night and day – Saturday I struggled. God, how I struggled. It seemed like I was locked horns with the asshole pretty much all day, due to fatpantsgate.
Yesterday was completely different, I mean it was effortless. I ended up going to bed last night with one smart point left unspent. Shall I say that again, in case you missed it the first time..? I had leftover food budget that I chose not to spend. I mean what’s that all about? That never happens. I always wring every last drop out my food budget to ensure I get maximum possible chewage, and yet yesterday I left a point on the table. Maybe I’m coming down with something.
So that’s the frustrating thing, right? Why can’t every day be like yesterday? I mean I’d have this cracked in a heartbeat if I didn’t have to waste time arguing with myself. The inconsistency definitely makes it harder to deal with, because after a couple of really good days the asshole voice can take me unawares. If he’s chewing my ear constantly it’s easier to tune him out.
Oh my…I think I might have just put two and two together in my head as I was writing this. Saturday was the last day in my dieting week…there were scant points available as a fallback position when the asshole voice gained a bit of ground. The pressure was on, and I freaked out. Sunday was different…the start of a new week, a whole week’s worth of new points to go at if I so pleased, therefore no pressure and no problem. Give it your best shot Asshole, come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough…
Interesting. In order not to face the kind of pressure that freaks me out I need to have points in the bank right up to the very last minute of my dieting week. You know, make sure I have enough for an emergency hobnob at all times.
Noted 🙂
I totally agree with that! I hate/fear that feeling “you cannot eat anything else today”. It makes me panic. Much easier when I know I can have a little more, if I really want to. Then don’t feel the same compulsion. But I have to balance that with making rules and sticking to them.
It’s true isn’t it Natalie…I can’t believe I only just joined the dots!
You’ve reminded me of what C.S. Lewis, in the Screwtape Letters, calls the Law of Undulation. As Screwtape puts it, because humans are amphibians (part spirit, part physical self) the closest we can come to any kind of consistency is an undulating wave, peak followed by valley followed by peak, and so on. It happens in every area of our life, we are on a high peak one day, in a valley soon after. It’s a really interesting story about human nature if you’ve never read it.
Anyway, what struck me was that when i realized nothing lasts forever, not the peaks, and not the valleys, that good, easy times will come again, and they won’t be there always but they will come back, that’s when i started really appreciating the good times, and remembering during the hard times that they don’t last, which makes them bearable.
That’s such a profound idea Mimi, thanks so much for sharing…you’re right. No matter how tough, things pass. Be good to keep that in mind 🙂