You know how sometimes someone asks you a question which stops you in your tracks and makes you think about something which has never even occurred to you before? Well, that happened to me this week. Let me ask you the same question.
Did you start your diet because of how you looked, or how you felt?
I’ve been mulling this over for the last couple of days and even now I’m not 100% sure about the answer. I just knew the time was right, but I’m less clear about what actually drove me to it. How I looked versus how I felt…I mean they were both awful you know? I looked like shit and I felt like shit so take your pick was kind of my first response. But the question sort of got inside my head and stuck which is generally my head’s way of flagging that I need to unpick something in a bit more detail.
If I’m working on something I like to understand why, as in what is the problem I’m trying to fix? The idea of being able to articulate exactly what prompted me to begin this journey appeals to me…my own personal why.
I’d started to really struggle with mobility issues. On the last holiday I took with my friend immediately before I started my diet, I could barely walk from one end of the ship to the other without needing a rest…everything hurt. My back and my knee in particular felt like they were buckling under the strain of lugging twenty three stones around on my five feet five inch frame. I felt like I was lumbering, rather than walking. It was awful…it felt awful. My ankles were swollen, and my thighs chafed till they bled.
In the restaurant when I tried to squash my double arse in the elegant dining chairs, it felt like everybody was staring at me. I doubt that they were, but I felt crippled by my Asshole thoughts about what other people were thinking. Even walking through the restaurant to get to our table was torture, and I prayed the whole time that my arse didn’t add insult to injury by sweeping someone’s bread basket off their table on my way past. The Asshole voice in my head was on overdrive, and every thought landed, you know? Ha ha! Look at the fat girl in the dining room…feeding time at the zoo!
So, genuine reflections on the time immediately before I started my diet seem to be more aligned to how I felt rather than how I looked. I think I’d stopped caring about how I looked at that point if I’m being completely honest. Every night before we went down for dinner, my friend would be busy fixing her hair and putting her face on, generally making an effort you know? Me, I left my hair to dry wild and curly, and didn’t go anywhere near make-up… I didn’t even look in the mirror when I got dressed. There seemed little point and besides I didn’t want to be faced with the reality of what a hot mess I’d turned into.
It’s good to look back, in a weird sort of way…actively dredging up these memories renews my determination to get as far away from that place as possible. That was then…this is now. Now, I feel better physically…much better. Hamstring hobbling aside, I’m fitter and stronger, and I can walk without significant pain most of the time.
The biggest difference is that I’ve stopped being quite so conscious about how much space I take up in the world. I feel like I can sit on a chair without having to offer up a quick prayer that nobody skimped on the screws, you know? I no longer feel the need to try and tiptoe through my life. Oh sure, the Asshole voice still churns out a full range of self-esteem torpedoes on a regular basis, but more and more often they land a bit wide of the mark and they don’t inflict quite as much damage so that tells me I’m fitter and stronger in my head too.
So I think my answer to the question, having chatted it through with you lot is that it started out being about how I felt. Now what’s spurring me on is a mixture of both. I started putting my face on again a couple of months ago, and I’m thinking more and more about how I look, where back then I didn’t care. I’ve become strangely obsessed with what I’m going to wear to the forthcoming awards ceremony, but that’s what normal people would do, right? It’s a big deal and I want to look nice.
Just out of interest, how would you answer the question..?
Ok, Dee, I put it up. http://traceyfit.blogspot.com/2016/04/when-your-brain-finally-turns-on.html
Thanks Tracey it’s a great post!
Dee, this is such a great post…and one I can relate to so well. Like you, when I embarked on this journey, it was more about how shitty I felt than it was about how I looked. I mean, I did not like my appearance. I was embarrassed about how I looked and I didn’t even care at the same time. I avoided the mirror. I avoided shopping for clothes. I did not care about make up at all. And never, did I ever allow my picture to be taken, especially not alone. Now, I have a makeup bag filled with Clinique, a shopping bill that chokes my husband when he opens the mail, I actually enjoy styling my hair, and I am continually taking selfies. It’s bizarro. I would love to use this post as a spin off for my own blog, if you don’t mind. This is really awesome!
I don’t mind at all…feel free to put a link through if you like 🙂 It’s lovely to have you back! I did laugh about the bill that chokes your husband, that’s hilarious!!
Ok, stay tuned. Probably on my next post. Right now I’m energized because I’m caught up with my journal, but I have to do my portfolio. My dining room table is covered with stuff from one end to the other. Fun, fun.
both for me, too. and something else: there was a kind of ‘click’ in my brain–I just somehow knew that I didn’t deserve to live that way (my body hurt everywhere, I had very few clothes left, I couldn’t bring myself to look in the mirror)–other bad things were going on in my life, and somehow I decided I also didn’t deserve to hate (loathe) myself as much as I did. (that’s not a great way to live.)
so I became mindful of what I ate, found things to eat that I truly enjoyed anyway (raw greenbeans, raw snap peas, roasted asparagus, spaghetti squash, butternut squash, etc). and I lost 75lbs from my not-quite 5 feet frame (7 dress sizes!). it wasn’t until the last 10 pounds or so that I started exercising, lightly–and only things that I like.
I’ve kept it off for more than six years now, plus or minus 10 or 15 pounds. I know the triggers that make me want to eat, and find it a victory just to recognize them, even if I decide to stress eat anyway. and I have a “number” that if I find myself approaching, I’ll cut back.
anyway: cheering you on from the US! I love the way you express yourself–it really resonates. 😉
Aw thanks M…thanks for sharing your story, I LOVE hearing about how you’ve lost it and kept it off…my biggest fear and it really gives me a boost to know that it’s possible. You did great, I relate to everything you said and I’m glad you’re enjoying the blog 🙂
Ah, the way I felt for sure. Lumbering is a fantastic descriptor! The ole’ knees. But, like you I had avoided mirrors to be sure.
Exactly! Mirrors and cameras…no no no!!
I made up my mind to lose weight once and for all
because of both how I looked and felt inside at the
time. I got remarried in 1997 and saw my wedding
pictures and was appalled at how fat I looked. Not
long after that I weighed in at 197 pounds and decided
I didn’t want to live like that any more.
Now days at 19 years in its more about keeping my
health and aging well than looks.
Good heavens, 19 years in Skinny Town, respect to you lady! God I’m just in awe of you guys, where skinny has become your normal. Good for you!
Interesting post, think for me it’s health issues but more, it’s what do others see when the look at me? I feel big so they must think …
Yesterday I met up with an old school friend and I said something about how I had always struggled with weight, even in primary school and she said she honestly didn’t think of me as big as in fat when she thought back, tho she always thought of me as taller than her.
She had photos from our last meeting 25 years ago- and I wasn’t fat then but I thought I was and was conscious of being bigger than her.
I am still bigger than her but she clearly didn’t see me as the fat friend I am in my head.
I just want to be able to wear what I like without thinking about it. I am fitter than I was and can walk a long way but I have too much gut fat which makes me self conscious when in a changing room or in skimpy clothes by the pool or shorts and t shirt. I want to feel the same as everyone else.
Me too – you know what Sue, I wish I was as fat as I was when I thought I was fat the first time!
One day i realized i was over 40 and the “baby” had been weaned for several years and it was no longer “baby weight.” That day i just said to myself, self, you know how to lose weight and keep it off and you are going to do it! (Yes, i had lost the weight several times before, and it always crept back.)
It took two years of incrementally changing my diet and exercise habits, but it stuck, i’ve been at my goal for almost 10 years.
Well Mimi if you’ve been at goal for ten years, in my eyes that makes you a rock star!
Both, I think. I was trying to scare myself with diabetes and various other health issues and feeling tired all the time, while probably actually caring more about how I looked.
It’s good to know isn’t it Natalie? All part of the puzzle 🙂
Hee-hee, you asked a direct what-about-you question. As always, I have lots of replies sloshing around in my head, quelle surprise! Flippant answer for me would have been YES! Truly, the life crisis starts out as one thing, maybe morphs into s/thing else, after which it’s general misery, soundtrack furnished by the Asshole Voice. Helpful folks say it’s really about being healthier! Bullshit. Feeling like a pariah was not good for my mind.
BOTSG is therapeutic tea bag I look forward to every morning!
Ha! I can honestly say I’ve never even called a therapeutic teabag before Fleury!!
Oh, jeez, sounds AWFUL yeah? PMSL. …you know, a cup of sanity to go!
Made me chuckle…I’ve been called worse 🙂