Do you ever get that feeling that you’re ever so slightly out of control? Just recently I seem to be juggling stuff with an ever-increasing reliance on blind faith that things will work out fine, rather than laying proper foundations to make sure I can bring it all home. And you know so far I’ve lucky and the wheels haven’t come off but it’s getting a bit too close for comfort.
I got home late ish last night after a six hour round trip with a full day’s work sandwiched in-between. And my day had sub-inbetweens too, for example in between conference sessions I managed to tuck myself away in a corner and write a full competency-based interview for some recruitment that I’m involved in tomorrow, and ticked one or two other bits of stuff off my ‘to do’ list. All that, on the back of a pretty tough day the day before, but necessary because I knew I wouldn’t have time today. And so it goes on, it just feels relentless at the moment.
As for the thoughts I love to share with you lot as part of the process of sorting out my head spam, way back in the early days I used to have three or four blog posts marinating all the time, slow-cooking if you like, to the point where they were tender and tasty and just needed seasoning with the odd word here or there before I was ready to let one of them go.
These days you’re far more likely to see me sketching something out when I climb into bed and letting it marinate overnight, so I wake up with my head bursting with words all trying to come out at the same time. I pull them into some semblance of order before I get up and at my day, and then usually dive back in at the end of the day to kick them around a bit more before I’m happy, and ready to push the button.
Lately I’ve been last minute dot com with my finances too. I’m normally pretty good at balancing the books, because I use a piece of software that tells me what’s coming in and going out, and at any point of the month what I’ve got to spend versus what’s already allocated for this or that. And it works brilliantly, if you actually key in what you’ve spent. Thing is, I haven’t touched it for at least a couple of months…so I’ve sort of got a vague idea that I’ll hopefully make it to payday without quite running out of money, but I’m not 100% sure.
I’m tired, and I’m so ready for a break from work just to catch up with myself and take a breath, you know? There’s a four day weekend just around the corner and I’ve never been so glad at the prospect of a few days’ down-time. I feel like I really need it.
How on earth, in the middle of what’s starting to feel like utter chaos, I’ve managed to pull it out of the bag where my food plan is concerned is a little bit beyond me. Or drag it out of the bag, which is probably a little more accurate. On reflection, I reckon it’s all to do with posse power. I can’t think of a single other pressurised time in my life where I haven’t reached for food to alleviate some of the stress, whereas now you’re my secret weapon.
One sniff of temptation and I find that my blood runs cold when I think about how I might have to tell you all about the way I face-planted into a bag of cheeseballs. About how they happened to be in my cupboard because during my weekly shop I was forced to make the purchase by the Asshole voice, on a for-emergencies-only basis, obviously never intending to eat them but it’s a good job I did because only five minutes after getting home and locking the door behind me I had an unexpected emergency and well, thank goodness I had them to hand.
Then I think about the response I’d get from all of you, and how it wouldn’t be in any way pretty. So I find a different way to deal with the pressure. I try and laugh at it. Throwing stuff works too, and I’ve even shocked myself with an occasional bit of over-ripe language falling out of my potty mouth. But no cheeseballs get consumed, and despite the chaos my food plan holds firm.
I don’t think I tell you enough how grateful I am. You’re making such a difference to the way I’m managing this journey, truly I couldn’t do it without you guys. You are the oasis of calm in the maelstrom that is my life at the moment, and the single biggest reason that I’ve not fallen into a ditch on the side of this road to Skinny Town.
Just…thank you 🙂
