A friend of my mum paid me a compliment today when we bumped into each other as I’d popped in for a visit and I accepted it with good humour, but as I’ve reflected on our conversation I’m starting to feel just a little bit mugged off. When is a compliment not a compliment..? I’d hazard a guess and say when it’s served up immediately before a long silence that contains no spoken words whatsoever but the implied meaning says more than words ever could.
I can think of a few really obvious examples. When someone says you’ve got such a pretty face, without exception we all know what they really mean is shame about the rest of you, if only you’d lay off the pies, but they’re too polite to come out with it. Whenever I put weight on, it goes to my face first and I’ve always hated that.
I remember reading teenage magazines with make-up tutorials way back in the day and I used to lay on my bed and seethe with resentment that with the best will in the world no matter how much I yearned for a heart-shaped face mine could only ever be described as round. It felt really unfair, like I’d been dealt the joker you know? A little dab of this week’s free blusher here, and a bit of shading there and my face still looked…well, round.
When someone says I like that top, it gives you a really nice shape, it feels like what they really mean is you generally look like a sack of spuds but that pattern hides more of your lumps than the one you wore yesterday. And yes, I get that the way you interpret stuff has got a lot to do with how you see or think or feel about yourself but still, some compliments are framed thoughtlessly and they sting, intentionally or not.
As a fat girl you kind of get used to bumping into comments like that, and whilst not everybody serves them up, you quickly get to know the people who do. If you’re anything like me you’ve probably shrugged them off a lot of the time and beaten yourself up for being oversensitive and maybe that’s even true some of the time. But not all of the time, right?
My mum’s friend wouldn’t have deliberately upset me for the world. I know that. But right after she told me how good I was looking, she followed it up by saying mind you, you’ve always been good at losing weight haven’t you…
Now, is that me, or were the words shame you can’t keep it off said without actually being said? Of course they were. Emphasis on the word losing, then the words just sort of hung there in the silence whilst I studied my feet before the conversation moved on to other things.
The annoying thing is, she’s not wrong. But it’s not her place to point it out you know? Which she didn’t, exactly…except she did, in not so many words. And now I know that she thinks that I can’t help feeling a bit offended, like I’ve been judged and found wanting. What she really means is you just keep on getting fat. You keep on blowing it. You SUCK at being a skinny string bean…I already know all those things and knowing she thinks that too has landed. Bad lands, remember..?
Best thing I can do is prove her wrong I suppose. And I fully intend to. In the meantime I’ve whiled away a good couple of hours fantasising about what I wish I’d said in return. I should’ve said yes, that’s so true but I’d rather keep trying than just accept …you know…whilst throwing a glance at her own not unsubstantial midriff. Pointing out her face looks like a melted welly boot might have taken it a bit too far.
Even though it does 🙂
Dee, seriously, this hits a nerve with me. Expect to hear this all the time now. You are losing weight and people who know you will really start to notice and all you are going to hear is, “Wow, you look great!” “How did you do it?” I started my blog last year because I had lost about 50 lbs and peoples started to notice and the inundation of compliments and requests for help made me write. But now it is seriously annoying. I was working out at the gym the other day and someone brought her very overweight sister over to meet me and said, “Tracey, this is my sister. Can you help her?” I was furious. I don’t even know her sister and how insulting for both of us? I mean, seriously, that’s ridiculous. And the constant compliments make me feel good, but at the same time, I’m sick of it. How about if you like me for who I am, not for what I look like. I probably sound like I’m whining, but when my own mother told me I look anorexic (and I’ve gained 8 lbs, mind you), that was it. I’m going to start wearing a sign that says, “Yes, I lost weight. thank you for not saying anything.” and at the gym, I’m going to wear one that says, “Don’t talk to me, I’m busy working out.” I probably sound rude, but I’m tired of the back handed compliments.
I think I’ll need to wear one that reads yes finally I’m skinny, please don’t feed me cheese balls !!!
ha ha ha ha!!! That made me laugh!
You’ve reminded me of my aunt who, many years ago, told me i was getting fat but she hoped i wasn’t offended, and then bought me a scale for Christmas.
Some people aren’t worth the anger.
Lovely…my grandma was also someone who’d come right out with it, only she’d say it to my mum about me but I’d be standing right there…that stung 🙁
I HAFTA add: This kind doesn’t merely LAND, yeah? Buries its point in yr heart, & breaks off. Hellfire, kids’ weight: no one has charted a safe route thru that obstacle course. Fleury
That’s really interesting, I don’t hear her comment that way at all in my head, especially as she is overweight herself. I hear “I wish I was as good as losing weight as you are, I can’t even seem to lose 5kg no matter what I do, I am so jealous and sad.” Because something like that is what I often think when I read other people’s blogs. I am most definitely not thinking “you lost all that weight but then you put it straight back on, you can’t do anything right can you?” No no no. I swear I am thinking “I have never lost a significant amount of weight, ever, and how come other people can and I can’t, it’s not fair but I can at least compliment you even though I am feeling kind of bad for myself.”
Of course I can’t speak for what your mum’s friend actually meant by her comment, I can only say that she didn’t necessarily mean what you think she meant.
Two comments I have made recently on another person’s blog never made it through the screening process or were deleted, now I am worried that my compliments were interpreted as insults?
Aw bless you Natalie, I’m sure you haven’t. I think a lot of it depends what spam filter people use, I had to fish yours out of the spam bin tonight, and Fleury’s. Mine’s a bit keen sometimes but if I don’t have it set to high screen I get dozens of offers to enlarge my penis on a daily basis. It could give a girl a complex! I can’t imagine anyone would think you’d insulted them, you’ve never been anything other than perfectly lovely on here 🙂
Yeah, lovely. Such a Pretty Face just makes me flinch!! Spoken or not, there are certainly harpoons in the air. “Bless her, a fashionable blouse…” and “You need to stick to vertical stripes.” No wonder it gets harder to face any people at all.
Huh. “Well, the thing’s not over til late. I suppose you’re going to want to EAT.” Geez! how many times have you heard “SHE certainly let herself go.”
Yes! Like needing to eat is a crime!
In hindsight – yes I am, pity you seem to find it so difficult LOL
No, really, it’s not her place to say, nor anyone else’s – nor is it ours. But it does bring it to mind doesn’t it? It’s so difficult – but like so many things – just smile and walk away.
🙂 imagine her face Cherie…a shocked melted welly boot!!
Or how about “wow, you look so different!!!!!! Really pretty……..” Best to take the high road, so congrats to you!
Ha! Thanks Tib 🙂