I never cease to be amazed by the way that the inner workings of my head conspire sometimes to throw a rusty nail under the wheels of my momentum. It’s ridiculous and it just drives home to me how much of a work in progress I really am.
As the blog continues to grow and new people find us, and as my weight loss slowly becomes a bit more noticeable, I’ve enjoyed more than my fair share of genuine support and compliments lately, you know? But it’s probably fair to say that lovely as they are, they’ve lulled me into a false sense of security. This isn’t easy. And I don’t have it in the bag.
This week is a case in point. I clearly didn’t learn from the last time my subscription notifications were invaded by gremlins – nobody died, and eventually the issue got fixed after winding me right up for a couple of days. It works perfectly maybe three times out of five, so it needs constant attention, and this must be the third or fourth time it’s gone tits up completely but it always gets resolved eventually…nothing to get in a sweat about, right?
So how come last night, during a long and frustrating exchange of emails between me and the technical folk who host my blog, for whom English doesn’t seem to be their first language and who can’t seem to understand what the issue is, I thought that eating an entire sleeve of Jaffa Cakes would somehow help make the situation better?
Twenty four smart points – out of a daily allowance of 38 – spent on crap for no reason other than I was pissed off that I couldn’t get anyone to just bloody fix it. I couldn’t even go back and double-check in my weight watchers thingamabob that I had enough weekly points left to cover my wobble, because this false sense of security has seen me more and more often totting things up in my head instead of using the tools I have to hand.
The tools are there to keep right on top of what I’m eating. My head on the other hand has a very selective memory, ably assisted by the asshole and although I’m quite good at sums, I’m even better at forgetting what’s on the list of stuff I’ve eaten that needs to be added up. So I think I had enough weekly points left to get away with the Jaffa Cakes but it’s really twisting my melon that I won’t know for sure.
Just look at how many my buttons are available for pushing right now. Control, because I can’t make it work. Patience, as in I don’t have any and it’s been broken for three days now. Frustration, because I can’t make the clever blokes understand what’s wrong and they keep asking me the same questions and going round in a loop with the same answers which don’t bloody fix it, and most of all the fact that it’s not perfect is driving me bat-shit crazy.
So it turned me into a basket case and resulted in the unfortunate incident with a sleeve of Jaffa Cakes that I don’t especially even like, I mean they’re chewy and sweet and all that but have never been one of my go to foods. The dog, who was sitting on my knee as I sulked in the armchair and fed my face with one after the other watched closely but he wore a resigned look and didn’t even bother to drool, I mean his doggy intuition told him that none of them had his name on.
They weren’t worth it. And the fact that I’d vaporised a year’s supply just added to my very sour mood. Eating the Jaffa Cakes was never going to resolve the issue, and the sodding thing is indeed still on the blink. Me, I’ve kicked the rusty nail to the side of the path and today I’ll keep on moving forward.
More importantly I’ll keep on doing the work, because times like this show me exactly how far I still have to go 🙁
There are some times when everything is going awfully and you really do think, in the moment, that eating will help, but it never does. Keep fighting through, though, because it happens less and less as you get stronger and closer to your goal.
Oh definitely Mimi, happily it was a momentary wobble and I’m as focused as ever. I just wish I didn’t have the running frustration of this techy thing which is driving me crazy. It doesn’t help!
Yes to all of it!
Okay, ruined the day doing several careless things… once I logged it all (tracked) properly. Week is not broken, month is safe from harm, okay….
I can’t even explain the brush with superfluous carbs, the slacking. However, this was bloody instructive, as for Tracey, Claire, Natalie, you Dee: I want my mindful habits! Returning to them with relief. It IS a long odyssey, but I can get my head into it because I’m coming to prefer it. Take emotional inventory, you’re probably going to find there is emotional satisfaction here, rather than THERE in the old go-to foods & the old patterns.
Hoo-boy, I am thankful for you folks… the iceberg-tip whose words are truly aloe vera, all Dee’s “Likers” reading & chiming in occasionally. It helps loads not to feel isolated.
Doesn’t it ever Fleury…just even talking to you lot about how close I came to stepping out of the zone helped me have a word with myself too you know? Thank God for you lot 🙂
I ate most of a packet of chocolate biscuits (proper ones, with real chocolate on them) – and I only say “most of” because the kids had had some earlier, I ate the rest – the other night and I don’t even have the excuse of being upset or angry.
This getting back on track thing is not working very well.
It’s hard isn’t it Natalie…hang in there chick
Dee, I feel your pain! I have now been a member of Weight Watchers for nearly a year and although doing really well, the old emotional eating still rears its ugly head every now and again. Most recently it was an incident with a Terrys Chocolate Orange! I just don’t seem to be able to solve this one! It is something we have been talking a lot about at meetings recently – I think everyone struggles with and it will probably be a life long struggle for me. It is a question of seeking progress, not perfection and realizing that we are on a very long journey with a few bumps along the way.
We also talked about the importance of tracking this week and how we all get a bit complacent and let things slip. I made a commitment to myself this week to go back to tracking everything!
We are all on the same journey and we all seem to be finding the same bumps along the way – but they are just bumps and not long and winding diversions x
Yes, I agree…I do track everything but tracking in your head isn’t as effective as tracking tracking!
Dee, I so get you. I have two sons and a hubby at home that require I keep junk food on hand. So I buy stuff that doesn’t really tempt me. I’ve been getting lazy lately. Snacking on a handful of chocolate chips every day. Then I actually started eating the Oreos I keep for my family. I don’t even like Oreos. Why am I eating them? It makes no sense and eating the chocolate chips and Oreos only leaves me feeling guilty. I’ve gained 8 lbs and feel like I’m on a slippery slope. So back to basics. This is the true test of the journey. Can we get back on track? CAn we go back to making smart decisions? Can we keep our emotions from ruling our food decisions? We can!
We absolutely can Tracey, either that or I’ll die trying!!