I remember when I started writing the BOTSG blog, I hoped it might be a creative outlet for my thoughts and feelings as I tried to find my way out of this fat suit. I don’t think I ever imagined that it would turn into what it has, I mean who could have, really? I had hoped to pick up a bit of company, but I’m amazed at how we all sort of found each other and now it feels like we’re in it together. That’s way beyond what I ever expected.
My intention was to write a little every day, be honest and accountable, and really invest in my journey in a way I never had before. I thought it’d be nice to have something to look back at, you know like a map charting my progress with a little reflection thrown in where I’d encountered bumps in the road. The number of insights that we’ve unlocked has taken me a little by surprise, but each and every one has been another drop of glue to keep me anchored to this sweet spot.
What I totally didn’t expect, was how addictive this process would become. I mean you all know me well enough by now to know that I am so predisposed to addiction it’s unreal. Food addiction is a given, and fortunately I’m in recovery. I’m 161 days into food sobriety, and I’m hoping to be in recovery for ever. Booze hasn’t ever been my thing, and I’ve never dabbled in drugs – fuck a duck, can you even imagine the trouble that would have gotten me into.
Some would say that I’m addicted to wedding cake given that I’ve acquired and despatched three husbands along the way…thanks the good Lord I’m in recovery from dodgy blokes too, to the collective relief of my friends, who couldn’t cope with any more drama in that department.
But this…this is addictive, and like any addiction I need to be aware that it has the potential to get in the way of me living my life if I allow the balance to tip too far. If we think about how addiction is defined – compulsive engagement in rewarding stimuli, that pretty much describes me and my love affair with this little corner of our virtual world.
I can’t leave it alone! And I just need to keep an eye on myself – lets take yesterday as an example. Yesterday was the day I was going to have a big wardrobe clear out. I’d planned to do it, I was looking forward to doing it but in the end it didn’t happen. By the time I’d taken care of my mum, done the weekly food shop, walked the dog, cooked a meal, caught up on a little bit of work and done various bits of laundry, I sort of ran out of day.
Thing is, I could probably have made more time if I hadn’t been dipping in and out of here every ten minutes 🙂 I’m too curious and I love it so much…if I get a thought left on a thread under one of my posts, I have to stop everything, read it and reply to it. I’m constantly thinking about posts and things I might write about. I put myself under a ton of pressure to write every single day, because even though logic tells me you’d be forgiving if I was just too busy, I can’t let go that need to write and connect.
That’s addiction, right? It’s so typical of me…I don’t just want to write a blog, I want to write the best blog, no matter how much pressure I have to put myself under to do it. It’s ridiculous, and I promise I’m not arrogant enough to imagine that you all sit with bated breath just waiting for your skinny mail to drop in, but in my head I won’t cut myself any slack at all, on the off-chance that somebody, somewhere is waiting for today’s words.
Unlike most addictions though, what I get in return is priceless. I love the feedback, the interaction, and the notes and emails I get from you guys. I love the way we discover stuff together and how I’m as invested in all of your journeys as I am in my own. I love that. And it’s probably the only corner of my life where I’m not reluctant to ask for help. How amazing is that? Elsewhere, I don’t do being vulnerable and yet in here, it’s okay. It’s safe, you know?
I admit it…I’m a BOTSG addict, but you know what, that’s actually okay! 🙂 🙂 🙂
Mimi, true! And there are preliminary internet findings about the dangers of internet dependency… I choose to take them under advisement. If you see yourself permanently face-planted into a smart-phone to the exclusion of all else, well then it might be time to take stock.
Hey, a resource like this could be charging steep fees, right? Oy, Dee! Writing lovely howlingly funny & provoking posts 7 days a week – you are racking up crazy overtime!
Fleury
There are times when i think the word addiction is thrown around too quickly. Novelty can cause us to enjoy, and spend a great deal of time on, something new. As the novelty fades, we still enjoy it, but we don’t spend so much time. Was it an addiction? Not really.
It’s great that you are enjoying your corner of the blogosphere right now, but i seriously doubt it’s an addiction in the truest sense.
I suspect there are degrees of light and shade Mimi. I’m not talking about the kind of addiction which destroys lives, but if you define addiction as something which becomes all-consuming, makes you feel anxious when you can’t get to it and which takes a disproportionate amount of your focus, whether it’s a ‘lite’ iteration of the essence of addiction or not, I can’t think of a better word. Obsessive maybe.?
I love reading your blog every day. Most of the blogs I read are 3 days a week and no weekends so I resort to the Daily Mail when I can’t find anything to read. I wouldn’t want you to feel pressured to blog 7 days a week, it sounds like you love it though.
I believe I voted every day. I know today was the last day so I voted about 8am this morning (2pm) U.K. Is there a prize for winning? I hope you win.
Thanks so much for your support Jo 🙂 No, I don’t think there is a prize for winning other than the kudos, and a logo for your website. I’m honestly not expecting to be shortlisted, but we’ve had loads of shiny new visitors through our blog since we climbed into the spotlight and that makes me happy!
ah, spit. for ONCE i wasn’t reading this post until 9:22 your time!! miss the oppprtunity to cast ONE MORE vote dammit.
Dee, ditto to all you’ve said. i have been at pains not to come on like a psycho stalker (!?! lol) but i am exactly like the def. of addictive behavior… the part about “rewarding stimuli” clinches it. i try to curb my excitement but as the whole posse knows, i rarely succeed.
many thanks for saying, you love all the “chatter.”
in my defense (in answer to the Shitbird voice in the back of my skull), if i’m checking on the site, reading the blog post & the posse’s responses, well – enthusiastically – it is really helping me focusing on, continuing on, my project/journey. swapping this for my love-hate infatuation with food, maybe i can be forgiven.
in the world around me, if i gave vent to ALL the weight-related blather that helps me so much, i would be shunned entirely. my friends who don’t have my issues, and lordhavemercy, random strangers who look shackled in their bodies….
love you loa, fleury knox
Not to worry Fleury, I know you’ve voted your socks off for me the last three weeks! And you’re not a psycho stalker, that made me crack up laughing 🙂 I’m glad it helps, it helps me too, that’s why I spend so much time in here…161 days food sober wouldn’t have happened if not for this, and you lot, and all the stuff we chat about. Plugs right in to my willpower, you know?!
yes, & like you’ve said: if you could bottle it…!
I don’t know what the hook is but I’m glad you’re here! All of you!
I had a terrible weekend – not terrible – but terrible as far as eating goes – blizzardly snowed in here in NY – 28 inches – three teens – high winds – sheesh – and so much food
oy
Trying to understand what made that happen – stress eating certainly but that wasn’t all of it – I think the unstructuredness of time is deadly for me – I need to find a way to combat it – since I don’t have all that much control over my time in general.
But I’m back here and on track and being accountable. I’m so glad you’ve found what keeps you in the sweet spot! I figure as long as I’m in it more than I’m out it’s progress for me LOL – plus I want to get to my 10% so badly that I think that will be a goal I’ll try to keep in the front of my brain.
It sounds like you’re doing fine from where I’m sitting Cherie…I’ve been thinking about you this week with all that snow. Stay safe 🙂