I remember when I started writing the BOTSG blog, I hoped it might be a creative outlet for my thoughts and feelings as I tried to find my way out of this fat suit. I don’t think I ever imagined that it would turn into what it has, I mean who could have, really? I had hoped to pick up a bit of company, but I’m amazed at how we all sort of found each other and now it feels like we’re in it together. That’s way beyond what I ever expected.
My intention was to write a little every day, be honest and accountable, and really invest in my journey in a way I never had before. I thought it’d be nice to have something to look back at, you know like a map charting my progress with a little reflection thrown in where I’d encountered bumps in the road. The number of insights that we’ve unlocked has taken me a little by surprise, but each and every one has been another drop of glue to keep me anchored to this sweet spot.
What I totally didn’t expect, was how addictive this process would become. I mean you all know me well enough by now to know that I am so predisposed to addiction it’s unreal. Food addiction is a given, and fortunately I’m in recovery. I’m 161 days into food sobriety, and I’m hoping to be in recovery for ever. Booze hasn’t ever been my thing, and I’ve never dabbled in drugs – fuck a duck, can you even imagine the trouble that would have gotten me into.
Some would say that I’m addicted to wedding cake given that I’ve acquired and despatched three husbands along the way…thanks the good Lord I’m in recovery from dodgy blokes too, to the collective relief of my friends, who couldn’t cope with any more drama in that department.
But this…this is addictive, and like any addiction I need to be aware that it has the potential to get in the way of me living my life if I allow the balance to tip too far. If we think about how addiction is defined – compulsive engagement in rewarding stimuli, that pretty much describes me and my love affair with this little corner of our virtual world.
I can’t leave it alone! And I just need to keep an eye on myself – lets take yesterday as an example. Yesterday was the day I was going to have a big wardrobe clear out. I’d planned to do it, I was looking forward to doing it but in the end it didn’t happen. By the time I’d taken care of my mum, done the weekly food shop, walked the dog, cooked a meal, caught up on a little bit of work and done various bits of laundry, I sort of ran out of day.
Thing is, I could probably have made more time if I hadn’t been dipping in and out of here every ten minutes 🙂 I’m too curious and I love it so much…if I get a thought left on a thread under one of my posts, I have to stop everything, read it and reply to it. I’m constantly thinking about posts and things I might write about. I put myself under a ton of pressure to write every single day, because even though logic tells me you’d be forgiving if I was just too busy, I can’t let go that need to write and connect.
That’s addiction, right? It’s so typical of me…I don’t just want to write a blog, I want to write the best blog, no matter how much pressure I have to put myself under to do it. It’s ridiculous, and I promise I’m not arrogant enough to imagine that you all sit with bated breath just waiting for your skinny mail to drop in, but in my head I won’t cut myself any slack at all, on the off-chance that somebody, somewhere is waiting for today’s words.
Unlike most addictions though, what I get in return is priceless. I love the feedback, the interaction, and the notes and emails I get from you guys. I love the way we discover stuff together and how I’m as invested in all of your journeys as I am in my own. I love that. And it’s probably the only corner of my life where I’m not reluctant to ask for help. How amazing is that? Elsewhere, I don’t do being vulnerable and yet in here, it’s okay. It’s safe, you know?
I admit it…I’m a BOTSG addict, but you know what, that’s actually okay! 🙂 🙂 🙂
