You don’t get to fifty without having been around the block a time or two, and over the years I’ve seen a few things which have made my toes curl but if anyone had told me that this evening I’d be watching some bloke pouring coffee up his bum with a tube before doing yoga on his bathroom floor I might have chosen not to believe you, I mean WTF?

Perhaps I should point out that this was on the TV, in case you’re already shaking your head in wonder at the company I keep. It was a programme about dieting, and the bloke in question was waxing lyrical about how having a coffee enema was a brilliant way to take your mind off food cravings. You think? I should imagine it would pretty much take your mind off anything other than keeping your purse closed, if you’ll forgive the expression.

I was intrigued when I saw the programme advertised, especially given my recent brush with the binge demons, and after all is said and done I’ve sampled a fine selection of weird and wonderful diets over the years but I’m here to tell you I won ‘t be rushing down to Home Depot for a length of tube and a funnel anytime soon…I’d rather let the craving get me and eat the chuffing hobnob.

I appreciate it’s a bit at odds with the label ‘will eat anything’ but I’m a bit picky about what I put in my body, before we even get started on which orifice I put it in…someone asked me the other day whether I used any diet supplements, you know like the pills you can take to block the absorption of some fats? I don’t, although I have looked at them in the pharmacy whilst I’ve been shopping for other stuff. From what I’ve read they come with a side order of stomach cramps and emergency bathroom runs and I don’t really need that kind of drama in my life.

I’ve never tried anything like that, I’m a bit wary of screwing with my operating system. My body’s pretty knackered from years of food abuse but generally the plumbing sort of works. I’m a bit reluctant to try and fool it into doing stuff differently, on the basis that if it ain’t broke why fix it, you know?

I was all geared up a couple of years ago to try the master cleanse diet, the one where you drink nothing other than water and lemon with maple syrup and cayenne pepper. It seemed harmless enough and I figured that if it was good enough for Beyonce it was good enough for me. I might have stuck to it too if the first mouthful hadn’t gone down the wrong hole and nearly killed me, I think my eyes cried cayenne pepper for a week.

Anyway it turns out that this coffee enema thing is an actual thing, and not just the practise of some random weirdo found by Channel Four looking for his fifteen minutes of fame…who knew? I even found a cartoon about it (although you don’t even want to know what google images brought up when I typed the word ‘enema’!)

Think I’ll stick to Weight Watchers if it’s all the same to you, although note to self;  check menu closely on next visit to Starbucks 🙂

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