It’s safe to say that I didn’t react well following my run-in with the bitch in the bathroom yesterday, in fact the whole day was a series of challenges. We get days like that, right? Honestly, I was tested. It brought it home to me how much work I have to do yet, ‘specially on how certain things trigger certain reactions in me.
Nothing seemed to go right. Not dropping any weight really rattled me when I’d had such a great week. It had snowed overnight and it was really icy, so even with my proper walking boots on as opposed to trainers it was a fight just to stay upright when I went out. Just over a mile into my walk I turned around and came back because my back was starting to really hurt from holding myself so stiff, not to mention my butt cheeks which were killing me…a few more workouts like that and I swear I’d be able to crack walnuts between ’em.
I’d walked over four miles the day before, and I’d managed fifteen minutes on the cross-trainer, my longest ever session so only walking two miles yesterday was no big deal really, although being the drama queen that I am, I made a mountain out of a molehill and acted like my world was about to end.
So what did I do..? I came home and made a huge pot of skinny chilli, and damn near ate the lot. And then, having picked up some mini crunchie bars earlier in the supermarket I ate four in quick succession. And then another two. I was in a total food coma by 6pm.
Technically I didn’t cheat on my diet. I used up all my daily points, my exercise points and a wodge of my extra weekly ones. I didn’t do anything wrong as such. I was in control, keying the points values into my gizmo as I vaporised crunchie after crunchie, and watching them tot up. I knew how many points I could spend and I totally wiped out my budget but I didn’t blow it. I still have a handful of weekly points in the bank, and we’re all good. And yet. I definitely flirted with the binge demons you know?
I’m bothered by my reaction to things not going right. It’s like I reverted to type as soon as something didn’t quite go my way, and that’s exactly the kind of twisted thinking that has knocked me out of the sweet spot in the past. Now I’m out of my food coma and I have the perspective of hindsight, I’m choosing to regard yesterday as a lesson.
It doesn’t matter how determined I am, there will always be unexpected or difficult shit that flies out of left field, and coping with it is still work in progress for me. I didn’t binge per se, I caught it, but all those feelings of disappointment, frustration and failure bubbled dangerously close to the surface and tried to throw me right back to my default setting of eating my feelings.
What was beyond awesome, as I laid in bed feeling frustrated at the day were all the lovely thoughts and messages from you guys…I felt encouraged, supported and understood. It felt like balm on a sore spot and it helped, so thank you all 🙂
I had a fairly early night, but not before I’d done another fifteen minutes on the hurt machine. With a belly full of chilli and six mini crunchies…thank the good Lord for Gaviscon!
I hate when I don’t react well to foods I love. I mean, they might fit into my day’s nutrition, just like you had the points. But if I’m super hungry after or if I’m exhausted after or if I feel like crap, I shouldn’t eat it. Whatever “it” is. I have that problem with Nature Valley Granola Bars. I buy these to eat before a bike ride in the warmer weather and it’s a perfect source of protein and carbs for me. Before a ride. But sometimes I come home from work and I’m craving something and I eat one. And then I want another and another OR I’m starving all night because the sugar. Uggh. Don’t be hard on yourself, Dee. You’ll always be learning. It’s part of the process.
You’re right, it is. I’ve learned to forgive myself the odd dodgy choice 🙂
I love you guys.
I’m there too… since my weigh day (meh), I was striving mightily against a cold pea salad I’d made & tried to polish off by myself dammit! where did that come from, anyway?!? Not making that again, for a YEAR. Bastard is dressed with crack cocaine.
The devilish wiles of le binge are indeed still with us. Here’s where our logging habit can really prove its value, yeah? Waking up feeling a familiar frailty & disappointment, but knowing the life line works.
Let’s not ever go back to that victim mentality & isolation & self-loathing.
Thanks back atcha. Fleury
Lets not ever go back there Fleury. There’s power in numbers, and spring is in the air 🙂
Getting a glimmer here. Power in numbers! Several have commented on the addiction that cannot be kicked cold turkey, & I’ve thought, How courageous. Now why did I not see myself? Like someone sitting & observing at an AA meeting… not willing to identify w/everyone’s stories. “I have a problem with this, sure, but….” The Full gauge, broken. Self-image, unreliable. Control, purely imaginarý. Lost time, blown commitments, shame & secrets.
Dee you said the word “flirting,” & that’s the terrifying part. My Name is Shella and I Am an Addict.
Love, Fleury
I’m with you Fleury…I think I might have even said it on a blog post. Me too…makes for goosepimples when the realisation hits doesn’t it!
At the end of a difficult day all i want to do is eat and sleep! It’s so hard to break the habit of stuffing feelings. Writing it out helps. A few years ago someone introduced me to Julie Cameron’s The Artist’s Way, and i started doing morning pages. They do help, all the junk gets out of my head before i get the change to be tempted to eat my feelings.
I’m not familiar with that Mimi, I’ll have to look it up…thank you 🙂
Oh I am so there with you. Honestly I’m struggling with the food and stressful days – not little things but when the big stuff goes awry
So for me the forcible writing down of the points, figuring it out, is the first step in the process of getting this under control. Accountability is not something I’ve achieved before with stress eating – I’ve always done the ‘well, there goes the diet for the day, we just won’t count it’
That doesn’t work at ALL.
So while I’m stressed and eating and it’s not my favorite choice, I’m making up for it during the week. And I’m making myself think about it at least in hindsight, at least partway through before it gets crazy.
One bit at a time 🙂
And fwiw the BITB didn’t budge for me this week either despite record gym time and being pretty good all around – such is life – we’ll get her next time
Damn straight we will Cherie…next week, her ass belongs to me! x