It’s safe to say that I didn’t react well following my run-in with the bitch in the bathroom yesterday, in fact the whole day was a series of challenges. We get days like that, right? Honestly, I was tested. It brought it home to me how much work I have to do yet, ‘specially on how certain things trigger certain reactions in me.
Nothing seemed to go right. Not dropping any weight really rattled me when I’d had such a great week. It had snowed overnight and it was really icy, so even with my proper walking boots on as opposed to trainers it was a fight just to stay upright when I went out. Just over a mile into my walk I turned around and came back because my back was starting to really hurt from holding myself so stiff, not to mention my butt cheeks which were killing me…a few more workouts like that and I swear I’d be able to crack walnuts between ’em.
I’d walked over four miles the day before, and I’d managed fifteen minutes on the cross-trainer, my longest ever session so only walking two miles yesterday was no big deal really, although being the drama queen that I am, I made a mountain out of a molehill and acted like my world was about to end.
So what did I do..? I came home and made a huge pot of skinny chilli, and damn near ate the lot. And then, having picked up some mini crunchie bars earlier in the supermarket I ate four in quick succession. And then another two. I was in a total food coma by 6pm.
Technically I didn’t cheat on my diet. I used up all my daily points, my exercise points and a wodge of my extra weekly ones. I didn’t do anything wrong as such. I was in control, keying the points values into my gizmo as I vaporised crunchie after crunchie, and watching them tot up. I knew how many points I could spend and I totally wiped out my budget but I didn’t blow it. I still have a handful of weekly points in the bank, and we’re all good. And yet. I definitely flirted with the binge demons you know?
I’m bothered by my reaction to things not going right. It’s like I reverted to type as soon as something didn’t quite go my way, and that’s exactly the kind of twisted thinking that has knocked me out of the sweet spot in the past. Now I’m out of my food coma and I have the perspective of hindsight, I’m choosing to regard yesterday as a lesson.
It doesn’t matter how determined I am, there will always be unexpected or difficult shit that flies out of left field, and coping with it is still work in progress for me. I didn’t binge per se, I caught it, but all those feelings of disappointment, frustration and failure bubbled dangerously close to the surface and tried to throw me right back to my default setting of eating my feelings.
What was beyond awesome, as I laid in bed feeling frustrated at the day were all the lovely thoughts and messages from you guys…I felt encouraged, supported and understood. It felt like balm on a sore spot and it helped, so thank you all 🙂
I had a fairly early night, but not before I’d done another fifteen minutes on the hurt machine. With a belly full of chilli and six mini crunchies…thank the good Lord for Gaviscon!
