I’m not quite sure what I thought would happen when I went public with the blog. I mean, I knew that there wasn’t going to be paparazzi camped on my doorstep when I threw my front door open the next day, but up until voting for the UK Blog Awards went live I’d pretty much been writing this in secret. Oh, you know, I’d shared a few of the posts on Facebook as you do, but I never actually spelled out that the blog was written by yours truly.
Overnight I turned into a loud and proud shameless hussy as I claimed the blog as my own and lobbied for votes. I was genuinely overwhelmed by the reaction, I had some awesome messages of support and for a couple of hours it was all very exciting, until everyone’s news feeds filled up with other stuff and the moment had passed.
Telling my friends that that the skinny girl trying to break out was the one who was zipped inside my fat suit was massive. Well, let me qualify that; for me, it was massive. Not because I was putting myself out there as a wannabe writer, but because I was coming right out and admitting I was fat. Like they hadn’t noticed, right?
Thing is, some of them wouldn’t have known that. The last time I actually saw some of the people I’m in touch with on Facebook for example, I was doing my very best impression of being a skinny string bean. They’d remember me as the one who lost all that weight, who looked amazing and did so well. The one who gracefully accepted all their compliments and swore she’d never put the weight back on again…yeah look how well that worked out.
That’s the thing with being a yo-yo dieter. Leaving your house and hanging out in places where you might bump into folk you know is terrific when you’re on your way down the scale…you want to be seen, by every man and his dog. You want people to go home and say OMG you’ll never guess who I bumped into, she looked amazing!
On your way up the scale, you judge the outing to be a success only if you’ve managed to avoid seeing anyone you know, because if you do, you die a little bit on the inside as you smile and say hello, all the while mentally calculating exactly how much weight you’ve piled on since the last time you saw them. It’s excruciating. And we all know that ‘you look well’ is a euphemism for fuck me who ate all the pies!
Most horrifying of all is the prospect of bumping into an ex…I’ve lived the last seven years in fear of bumping into Mr Muscle, which is ridiculous. Why should I give a monkey’s chuff what he thinks, with his perfect pecs and his disdain for fatties. I do though, even now…if I saw him I’d want to die on the spot.
So, stepping out of the shadows, fat suit exposed in all it’s glory was a big step. Since the day I started back on the path to Mooseville, I’ve been very careful not to allow any pictures of the fat me, anywhere. I used to pepper my Facebook posts with photos, but not in recent times…heaven forbid someone might realise I’m not living that carefree skinny life. I don’t know why I worried – it turns out people were interested, supportive but it hardly rocked their world.
I’ve got a foot in both camps as of right now…sort of like show and tell, without the show. The cat’s out of the bag, I’ve ‘fessed up and told the world I’m wearing the fat suit, and I’m okay with that because we all know it’s temporary, right? I’m headed for Skinny Town and I’m not looking back. But lets just agree to keep the cameras locked away for now…one step at a time 🙂
I felt this post on a personal level. As a woman who was fat then lost weight then gained it back, I understand the fear of running into people from my skinny days. I may or may not have hidden behind racks of clothes to avoid someone.
Did you feel any relief after coming out as someone who is trying to lose weight again?
Yes, it was kind of like ripping the plaster off and letting everyone see the wound without me having to see a reaction you know? I think I’d still hide if I saw Mr Muscle…either that or start talking in a funny accent and pretend he’d got the wrong person, a random fat woman who looks a lot like someone he used to know 🙂
That’s one reason, this time, i’ve been able to keep the weight off this time. It would make me want to die of embarrassment if i were to regain it. It’s not the main reason, but it’s one of them that keeps me on the straight and narrow.
Funny isn’t it, despite it being so utterly horrifying, it’s never been enough to have the same motivating effect on me. I think the addiction was stronger 🙁
So, I’ve been in your shoes and am now on the skinny side of town. And I’ll tell you what… there was rarely a picture taken of me when I was fat. I hardly ever posted my own pictures on Facebook and rarely updated my profile picture. I mean, why would I do that when I was fat and embarrassed about my appearance? Five years ago when my graduating class celebrated their 25 reunion, there was no way I would have gone to that. This year it’s our 30th and I’m actually considering going, although I never was really friends with anyone in my class, so I don’t know. (You know, the insecurity thing sneaks in and whispers in the ear.) Once I started losing weight quickly, which was last January, when I went from 35 lbs. down to 50, to 60, etc., the transformation was striking and people noticed. It was hard to find old pictures of me, so side by side pics have been a challenge. It is neat to see where I was a year ago (when I finally started letting my picture be taken) to where I am now, while the pics from two+ years ago are few and far between. It’s awesome that you’ve put yourself out there, Dee. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your blog. So much of what you write resonates with me.
Thanks Tracey, and I’m glad you can relate – all of us on here, well we understand each other don’t we, we just get it.If I was in Skinny Town and there was any kind of reunion, I’d be the first one through the door yelling LOOK AT ME I’M SKINNY 🙂 🙂 🙂 but I would never go as a fat girl…no way. I get it! You should go T, and knock their socks off!
You have been so brave throughout – I think it’s AWESOME that you came clean to your wider circle – difficult I’m sure! Of course they’re not all so thin either right now LOL!
That said – Mr. Muscle can jump very high off a very tall cliff ;p
Don’t fret over cameras – the you inside is what really matters – the window dressing is irrelevant – you’re getting healthy so you can enjoy your life the way YOU want – who cares about anyone else?
I know you’re right…I really wish I could learn not to worry what other people think. I don’t, when I’m skinny but the fat thing messes with my head you know? I’m working on it!
LOL, too right you leaped all over loud-and-proud, standing jump from i-don’t-like-lobbying-for-votes.
That’s the WOW that your IRL friends are gonna be floored by, probably. Whereas virtual posse (like me), absolutely expect it of you. Trek across Cuba? Naturally! Launch a writing project? Well of course. And lose 3 dress sizes… well, that’a given.
Love U Loa, Fleury
Aw Fleury, every day your faith in me takes my breath away! I’ll be smiling for the rest of the day 🙂