My friend’s daughter had her confidence knocked big time at a Christmas party this weekend – she’s quite a curvy girl, but definitely in a ‘curves you’d kill for’ hourglass kind of way. She’s young, gorgeous, and to be honest if she was my daughter she’d be locked in a tower until she was at least forty. There’s a bloke in the mix who she has a bit of a soft spot for – actually she’s got the raging hots for him, I was being discreet – so she was gearing up for a bit of a flirt and maybe a moment under the mistletoe you know?
Off she went, feeling really giddy. And within ten minutes of arriving at the party, a thoughtless catty comment made by one of her so-called friends about the way she looked ruined her whole night. I could have wept for her as my friend was telling me about it, because like many of you guys I’m sure, I’ve been there.
She doesn’t see what we all see, when she looks in the mirror. I look at her and I see flawless peachy skin and an amazing smile. I see a girl with boobs to die for and a proper waist, and yet all she sees when she looks in the mirror is fat. To put it into perspective, I’ve got more fat on my earlobes than she has on her body.
When I look back at my own teenage years, I often wonder how different my life might have been if I’d grown up in a hot body. I mean don’t get me wrong, I was a proper party animal when I was younger, and I didn’t suffer from a lack of confidence per se, but, I always felt like a munter at the side of my skinny string bean friends, like the fat funny one who was good for a laugh but not, you know, fanciable.
At the end of the night when it got to slow dance time, all the girls used to stand around the dance floor looking like they couldn’t be arsed with the boy thing, and didn’t care that they hadn’t yet been invited to shuffle around in circles and have a quick snog. And yet one by one the hot girls all got picked off by the hot boys, the reasonably attractive girls got picked off by the reasonably attractive boys, and then there were only swamp donkeys left, feeling a little bit awkward, with both sexes furtively weighing up their remaining options.
I used to fall somewhere in the middle, you know? I had a pretty face but I filled my disco pants a bit too well to be an A-lister. Mostly my dancing partners were definitely to the left of hot, but you know it was generally quite dark so it didn’t matter too much, in the moment. But the point I’m making is, because I didn’t feel confident about the way I looked, the overwhelming feeling I got whenever someone asked me to dance was grateful. And let me tell you that’s not how you want to feel when it comes to members of the opposite sex.
Feeling grateful that someone picked you leads to a whole world of pain…you put up with more, and overlook things which should set alarm bells clanging because you know, he likes you and that’s good, right? You settle. Usually for someone who’s not worthy of you…here speaketh the voice of experience.
When I look back, I wasn’t fat really, not fat like now fat. I mean yes, I filled those disco pants a bit too well but not on an industrial scale. Trust me, I wish I was the same size now as I was when I thought I was fat the first time around…nothing quite like the twenty twenty vision of hindsight hmm?
Anyway…I’m happy to report that my friend’s girl got her man, well that is to say he texted her the next day and apparently told her he’d thought she’d looked ‘sick’ the night before. I’m reliably informed that these days that is a compliment…I shall file that away for future reference because under normal circumstances if anyone texted that to me they’d be asking for a smack in the chops 🙂
p.s. I did have a weight problem, before i had much weight to do penance for: problem was called dieting.
One true & damn-near universal observation: if i see old pictures of myself from back when i hated my fatness, I could kill to have that slender me back. It did set me up for a life on the dieting roller coaster… not to have real-time vision. Scale & mirror both, are equally capricious & unreliable.
I’m just sayin, -Fleury
Never a truer word spoken Fleury. That picture of me in the ‘about me’ page, I hated that picture at the time, I felt so fat and thought I looked awful…I look at it now and think FFS there was nothing wrong with me!
Oh, FFS! Wow, the courage it takes to have kids…! I can’t presume to offer advice, but [advice] – you need to model defiance and skepticism, as well as values, right living, joy. Let them see you get mad & stand up for them, stand up for yourself.
I get futless when I hear or read some sentimental revisionist longing for high school days. It does seem that spending your teens at the top of the food chain would be a disadvantage in later life.
Fleury
Hi Dee,
I’ve never posted a comment on any website before- I’m a lurker and observer by nature -but I love your blog. I’ve just spent the last few days reading every one of your posts and every comment that’s been posted. It’s been great – I like your style and your positive attitude. I also love what the people who comment say: how wise and balanced they are.
I get so angry with myself and my negativity, reading your blog and comments has really perked me up and encouraged me to get back into weight loss mood. I don’t have a huge amount to lose: 2 stone would make me ecstatic, but anyone with a ‘fat’ history understands that the misery is the same whatever the numbers are. Over the last 6months I’ve put on two-thirds of the weight I worked so hard to lose in 2014. So I’ve registered with Slimming World on line (I can’t face going back to group again) and have started planning and tracking my food again.
Thanks so much for your lovely blog Dee. Xx
Hello, thanks for your lovely note and welcome to the posse! I’m glad you’re enjoying our chatter, we’re a friendly bunch and your voice is a welcome addition…good luck with SW and we look forward to you joining the march to Skinny Town 🙂
It’s so sad how girls can treat each other. You are right that no one should settle, including settle for friends who can be so mean.
That’s very true…I’ve been very blessed with the friends in my life…less so with blokes!
LOL Smack in the chops indeed – my heart breaks for her – hope he’s worth the second chance 🙂
I totally understand – so true – so hard! As the mom of three teens – oh my – living the life – dancing around making things as best as I can for them all and helping them navigate – it’s like roiling rapids around here
Lordy you have my utmost respect, it was hard enough with one boy!!
Dee, this really hit a nerve with me. When I look at pics of myself in my teens and early 20’s, I was curvy too and definitely in all the right places. When I went through puberty (at an early age), I felt uncomfortable about my body and was perpetually trying to lose weight. It’s been a lifetime battle with me. But truth is…I didn’t have a weight problem until I was mid-20’s and that got out of control about ten years ago and it was up and down, mostly up, after that. I wonder if we taught our kids about puberty and the changes that happen to our bodies at an early age…if we talked about body image, health and fitness in more scientific terms…what would that do for young women? I wonder!
I don’t know Tracey…but I know if I had daughters I’d pretty much be a basket case trying like Cherie does to help them navigate the whole body image thing in a healthy way. It’s a minefield!!