Are you good in a crisis? I am – I sort of come into my own. I reckon lots of my friends would be able to give you examples of me mopping up tears, putting band aids on broken hearts and dispensing the occasional nugget of wisdom over the years. It’s just kind of what I do. I’ve got one or two friends who, I’m not going to lie, have sometimes made my heart sink when I’ve seen their number come up on my caller ID. Because I just knew that it was going to be another drama, which would be really similar to the last one, and which I’d have to live through with them in glorious Technicolor as they settled down to give me every last detail.
One friend in particular, who I’m not really in touch with any more was especially great at calling me somewhere north of midnight on at least two Saturdays each month, after a blazing row with her boyfriend. Between slurps of wine, she’d replay his latest transgression and agonise over what she should do, what it meant, what he might do next, what she should do next, why her…you know the story. I could have answered all those questions right off the bat as it happens – he’s a twat. Get rid of him. The End.
I didn’t, of course. I listened…because that’s what friends do, right? I was proud of the fact that my friends knew they could come to me when they needed support. It was like a badge of honour you know? Besides, I was sure they’d do the same for me…except I never tested the theory. Ah hang on a minute, there was one time when I forgot to put the number five guard back on the hair clippers after cleaning them, and shaved a stripe up the back of my little boy’s head one Sunday night when he was about ten.
Not an age where a wonky bald stripe is a cool thing to have let’s be honest. A very good friend of mine managed to rustle up an emergency hairdresser from her contacts list within thirty minutes and disaster was, if not averted certainly disguised very well…cut in I think she called it. I mean it still looked ridiculous but he didn’t have to wear the hat for quite as long as he would’ve had to otherwise. I never tested the theory more widely than that though. I’m more of a story-teller after the event, with some wry humour chucked in for good measure.
It was only years later, during a particularly enlightening therapy session with my hooky spooky magic lady that she gently steered me around to the realisation that by constantly acting as the rescuer, the fourth emergency service to my friends if you like, I was able to focus on everyone else’s issues and in the meantime mine remained unresolved. I was a classic case apparently. Who knew?
I need to be needed. It’s one of my things you know? It’s always felt like an anchor to keep me connected to the people who matter to me. But when the shit hits the fan in my life, I don’t reach out for help, ever. I just get on with it. I cope. Then I eat my feelings, get a bit fatter and continue looking out for everyone else. Essentially I deny my friends the opportunity to support me. And when you put it like that, how is that a balanced friendship? It’s not…it can’t be.
The people in my life who love me, would support me till the end of time, if I allowed them to. I’d have no need to medicate things which hurt me with food. I could be the one on the phone at 3am, hot tears and snot mingling with cabernet sauvignon as I hiccupped my way through the action replay of my own drama in glorious Technicolor whilst they lost the will to live, and dispensed words of wisdom.
Thing is, it’s one thing recognising that, and another thing doing it, right? Once an island, always an island…I might need to work on that a while longer 🙂
This used to be me. I, too, need to be needed. I tend to pick the wrong friends. Give everything I can to them, try to rescue them and then it backfires in one way or another and the friendship goes splat. I have learned to discern friendships. Those that I am the giver (and there are those) and get nothing in return, except companionship. And those that I am somewhat on level playing field (these are few and far between for me). And I really only have one or two people that I feel like I’m the one who “needs,” on the receiving end. But I would not call these people in the middle of the night in a crisis. I don’t really have crises in the middle of the night, but if I did, I wouldn’t call them then. It’s hard to always be the one who runs to the rescue.
You’re right Tracey…I’m really lucky in that I have a lot of people I regard as friends and I value different qualities in each of them…the dynamic within all of them is slightly different. To be fair the majority of them are strong independent glorious women…I cut loose from difficult friendships when it dawned on me that was my choice to make!
It’s always easier to clean someone else’s house, too. When we aren’t tangled in it, we can see it more clearly.
Another thing i’ve noticed is that, if i don’t ever have a crisis i share, i don’t have to find out that the friends i would support might disappear on me, because that does happen sometimes.
That would be a shame Mimi…I’d like to think it wouldn’t happen but you know what, if it did they’re the kind of friends you don’t need, right?
I haven’t been able to see myself until reading this blog,
I am the stereotypical shoulder that never asks for return shoulder,
my ways are so very changed from this time on……..thank you dee..x
Hi Blossom…it’s lovely to meet you, and welcome to the posse! I’m glad you’ve had one of those light bulb moments…we’re all picking our way through this journey together, and I get those too from everyone’s thoughts and comments. There’s power in numbers, and I’m so glad you’re along for the ride 🙂
thank you for the warm welcome dee,
I want to say that you happy,chatty blog is an inspiration for me.
I read it daily…..my first deed of the day!
cheers me up for the rest of my busy day,
once again thank you.
You’re more than welcome, we’re glad to have you and I appreciate the lovely feedback! D x
Hello fellow island! You got me again nodding right along. I just cannot ask for help either. I’m just fine thank you very much. Over here on my own little island as you so perfectly put it. Oy, why do we hide? I’m still working on it too. Glad to know we can all work on it together though. I really enjoy your posts – they make me laugh and think. ..and you have to laugh!
Hello…so glad you’re enjoying the blog…and yes, I like to try and find something to laugh about even in the thorny stuff. Just makes it easier to wade through right?! D x
Pot . . . kettle . . .
Been that way for EVER – working on it – so incredibly hard – partly I think because it doesn’t actually help me to talk to people most of the time – therapy has helped on occasion but only in a sort of limited fashion – some of it I feel like I know what’s right, or what I should or shouldn’t do, or what is wrong . . . and sometimes you just have to get through it to get out – there’s just no way out but through. So i don’t avail myself of it because I don’t want to hear more about it, even from me 🙂
But yes, pushing the feelings down with food isn’t a solution either – as you say, working on it
We’re complicated creatures aren’t we?!