So you know how I love to poke around in the corners of the internet for ideas and concepts that pique my interest or inspire me to try something new? I came across an article by a lady called Kerry Petsinger, and some of her ideas I really liked. She reckons that you should find ways to love yourself, every day. She even divvied the ideas up into different categories, one of which was spiritual wellness. I’ll come back to the others, because they’re definitely worth exploring, but I like to think I’m quite a spiritual person so that seemed like a good place to start. One of her suggestions was to try meditation.
Now, I love the idea of meditation. Spending quiet contemplative time, mind and body in total harmony, thoughts stilled. Utter calm, the feeling of peace and being at one with myself. When I get really carried away, I imagine myself in flowing robes of soft white linen, with nothing but the sound of trickling water and maybe the odd soft wind chime…the smell of incense…the sensation of floating…I feel so relaxed just thinking about it. The reality is though, I can’t do it. At all. My meditation button seems to be broken and I can’t make it work.
One of two things will happen. I will either fall asleep immediately – I’m not talking about a light meditative trance, I mean I’ll really fall ‘snores and chin dribble’ asleep. That generally happens if I try and meditate in my armchair. If I go the whole hog, light candles, make myself a little sort of area on the floor and strike a meditation pose, my mind will go immediately into overdrive. It doesn’t matter how carefully I prepare everything. Or how artfully I settle myself on the cushion with my fat girl knees arranged in the least painful way possible. Not in a classic meditation pose, I’m not that bendy. But near as dammit.
I’ll make sure that Charlie the dog is otherwise occupied – it’s generally accepted that the floor is his territory, and if you’re at his level, he makes the assumption that it’s playtime. If he was in the same room, within two minutes I’d be surrounded by squeaky toys and as many shoes as he could find, with his wagging tail generating a wind chill factor of ten. So I’ll make sure he’s busy elsewhere. And I’ll sit there, waiting for my mind to empty, and for zen to come flood me with inner peace.
OK zen, I’m ready for you. Ready now. Ready and waiting. Sooo ready. Dammit I forgot to turn off the big light. But that’s ok, it doesn’t matter, my eyes are shut, it’s fine and it doesn’t make a difference. Relax. Just wait. Let your mind float. Zen’s coming soon, I’m ready.
I should have picked a different cushion, this one’s too flat. It’s flatter than an after eight mint and my bum’s going to sleep. Shhh it’s fine. I’ll stop noticing in a minute when the zen comes and takes me to another place. Relax…I’m feeling sleepy…well not sleepy exactly, but I’m ready for the zen.
I wonder if those scented candles will start to smell in a minute…I can’t smell jasmine yet, which is what the label said. Or was it honeysuckle..? No, that’s a yellow flower…there were definitely white flowers on the box. Hang on though, isn’t jasmine a blue flower? I must have a look later on when I come out of my trance. After the zen’s been.
Maybe if I hum? Maybe that’ll make the zen come. Yes that’s it, I’ll hum. Ommmmmmmmmm. Ommmmmmmmmmm…no I can’t keep that up, it makes my lips tickle. Actually my lips feel a bit dry…should’ve put some lip balm on before I sat down. My back’s aching. And I’ve got pins and needles in my foot. Aw, remember when my boy was little and he thought pins and needles were invisible insects crawling on his feet…bless. No, I’m going to have to move my leg. I wonder if I lean back a bit…aaargh no that’s not helping.
Oh bugger, I forgot to take those chicken breasts out of the freezer…
And so on…you get the picture. The zen remains elusive. I’ve got my favourite spots obviously where I like to go relax, admire the view. When I’m skinny I love to sit on the beach and hug my knees, gazing out at the ocean…I think I shared the photo with you back near the start of my blog. But that’s not meditation is it, in the true sense of the word? That’s just relaxing by the ocean.
I don’t think it’s that I’m afraid to be alone and at one with my thoughts…I quite enjoy that. But my understanding of meditation is that I’m supposed to be able to empty my mind and be transported to a deep and calm place. That remains decidedly elusive.
Any tips, or are my expectations just way off base..?
