As I sit down with my morning coffee to write today’s post I just can’t find it in myself to be my usual bright, breezy and curious self having woken up to the tragic and senseless news coming out of France this morning. It’s hard to make sense of something I just don’t understand, and when I think about how much I wrestle with the relatively uncomplicated issues which make my wheels wobble one way or the other, comprehending what lies beneath something of this magnitude isn’t something I can even hope to wrap my head around.

All I know is I want to hug all my important people close today and tell them just how much they are loved. It makes me more determined than ever to wring every last drop of joy and hope  out of this life, chase down every dream and fulfil everything I hope to achieve. Make a difference where I can, and embrace every opportunity that I’m lucky enough to be given. Life is precious, and I hope that the despicable bastards who took all those lives yesterday, or were in cahoots with, or in support of those who did, see only a strengthening of the human spirit.

It reminds me of a very dark time in my own life. In my early thirties I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, and there was a period of time, maybe eight weeks or so between two of the surgeries I needed where nobody could tell me whether or not it was too advanced to treat. I’m here to tell you that you work through an awful lot of shit in your mind when you’re staring your own mortality right between the eyes. Most of my thoughts of course were about my boy. Who would love him as much as I did, watch him grow into a man…always have his back and be in his corner no matter what. God, the tears are flowing freely even as I write this, just remembering how that felt.

Thoughts turned also to the regrets I had about my life at that point. It’s worth noting that all those regrets centred not around any of the really daft stuff I’d done in my life, or mistakes I’d made…every one of them related to missed opportunities that I hadn’t grabbed with both hands because I was too busy, or too scared of how it might turn out, or just too ready to believe that I had all the time in the world. It’s the biggest cliche to say that some three years later, when I could breathe easily again knowing that I’d won the fight, the grass seemed greener, the sky bluer and the air lighter and sweeter than ever. But it’s true.

My thoughts today are with all the people personally affected by what happened yesterday. In honour of them, my determination to live the richest life I can is renewed. It’s rare that I make two posts in one day, but in addition to the scheduled post, I wanted to reach out and send love, support and gratitude to everyone in our BOTSG community…for me, it’s that kind of day x

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