In the way that I often do when I’ve said something out loud – or written it on here which pretty much amounts to the same thing – I’ve been reflecting on something I referred to yesterday. Remember I talked about voicing my determination to stay skinny in between mouthfuls of cake..? It sounds so utterly ridiculous when I put it like that. But as much as I was being flippant yesterday in the interests of provoking a smile and a shared ‘eyes to the sky’ moment with you all, that’s literally what happened.
When I look back I can see myself walking away from Skinny Town, a place I loved and had worked so damned hard to get to. I was walking in the opposite direction without a backwards glance, sitting in my big fat leather armchair night after night with a family bag of cheese balls and a large carton of Haagen Dazs, having already eaten my way through the day. It’s all very well me looking back now and wanting to scream “what were you thinking?!!!” at myself…I don’t think I could answer that even if the Dalai Lama himself rocked up to help me find enlightenment. I wasn’t thinking – my head was empty. I mean yes of course, on a rational level I must have known that the wheels had come off but where I should have been having a word with myself…nothing.
I can’t seem to recall a single conscious thought about what I was doing and yet every day I watched myself get bigger and bigger. Discarding the skinny jeans in favour of elasticated waists and shapeless sweaters. I lived in the moment, and never thought about the pattern. The trajectory, you know? Where I was headed. From Skinny Town to Mooseville in one long straight run, stopping only to replenish the supply of cake. You know what I think? I think it went beyond just not thinking about it…I think I made a conscious choice to ignore what I was doing to myself and stick my head in the sand. I was an Ostrich. And I’m struggling to understand why, I mean that’s not right is it…normal folk just wouldn’t do that. I mean, maybe they’d turn a blind eye to five pounds, or even ten pounds at a push. But one hundred and forty pounds…? No.
If someone had asked me why I wanted to put the weight back on, I would have looked at them as though they’d taken leave of their senses. I didn’t. And yet, I was.
You know I still don’t have all the answers, right? I know on here I come across as fairly well in control and self-aware, but it’s mainly because I’ve had some wonderful encouragement and feedback from you guys – I know you’re drawing inspiration here and there from the odd post, and the posse in general too which is amazing. I guess we’re all just figuring it all out as we go along. Getting skinny is a familiar journey – the unknown bit, the hardest part for me at least is going to be staying there. Pulling up the drawbridge and becoming a permanent resident of Skinny Town.
But you know, I thought it was worth talking about this today, because we’re all at different stages of this journey, and if just one of our posse is sitting in their armchair every night, walking away from Skinny Town without anyone there to hold the mirror up and yell WHAT ARE YOU THINKING..??? Well I’d feel like we’d let them down.
Please don’t be that person…don’t do what I did. Please.
Hi, really enjoying your blog. 🙂 I didn’t realise that there were other people out there going through exactly same thing as I currently am.My weight has fluctuated wildly over last 15 years. Lost 6 stone when my first marriage ended then yo yo ‘d up and down since. Worst situation now I am heavier than ever even than when I was 9months pregnant!!! I have put on 6 stone over last 7 years. I do not know how I got here,and your last point totally resonates with me. What the hell was I thinking??? I am an Ostrich. Spent years asking myself “why gave I done this to myself?” I still can’t fully work it out…thinking to do with low self esteem. Moving forward need to tell ourselves if we managed to eat ourselves this fat we just need to put the same amount of effort into eating ourselves thin again!! Wouldn’t it be great to do a dress size countdown instead of the dreaded upsizing! We owe it to ourselves to feel the best we can. 😀
Hey Al 🙂 Thanks and welcome! You’re definitely not alone, and we’re all about supporting each other on that journey to where we want to be. Thank you for sharing your story, and I hope you stay with us as we collectively move in one direction…onwards and downwards! D x
This one registers way beyond Excellent to You Made Me Cry.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to…!
Excellent post – I love that reading your posts and the comments helps keep my head in the game. I think the issue, for me, is that I have to stop treating obesity as a curable disease, and instead approach it more like an addiction problem. I can’t ever be ‘done’ because it doesn’t stay done. I can’t go ‘back’ to normal.
I’m always going to need to stay on a plan that keeps me tracking, keeps me accountable, because I am never going to be a skinny girl, I hope someday to be a recovering fat girl, and stay that way 🙂
Exactly Cherie, that’s exactly it. I’m the same…I’ve never looked at it that way before, and it’s going to make a world of difference for at least two of us, right?
I love reading the blog too. Brilliant and both myself and my very supportive husband have been laughing so much, as I can relate to virtually everything this blogger is writing. I wanted to say as well, that your reply has just struck a chord with me. I cannot go “back” to normal either. I have to think of my weight and health for the rest of my life,and recognize my weaknesses. Thank you for posting. X
Hi Jane, welcome to the posse and I’m glad you’re enjoying the blog! D x
Been there, done that, more than once, as i bounced up and down the scale like a yoyo for 30 years. No one wants, consciously, to eat their way back up to the former weight and beyond. What’s going on in the subconscious is different for everyone.
As i’ve said to people like me who are in recovery from various degrees of hoarding, as you clean your way through your home, you might work your way to figuring out what caused you to get your house into that state, or you might not. It’s okay, some people never know why they went there, but they get out of it and stay out because they come up with strategies to cope with the things that sabotage them and learn to see triggers and catch the behaviors that lead backward instead of forward.
You might someday understand what in your past or present or subconscious made you eat your way back up to a former size, or you might not. Either way, you are taking it in hand now, and you will come up with strategies for dealing with whatever sabotages you as those things come up.
Funny how we often talk about cleaning and decluttering and de-messying our houses is a lot like losing weight — and it is.
I’d never thought about the analogy before Meems but you’re absolutely right, it’s the same thing. Nice light bulb moment there, thanks buddy 🙂
I guess it’s all sort of the same – a security blanket, and then not wanting to address whatever it is, and how out of control it is . . . sigh
Okay. I’m not going to eat any more of that Halloween candy I got for any kids who might be coming by tonight. I just read that it’s Samhain today in the Celtic calendar, the day when the veil between the worlds is thinnest. It makes me think about my loved ones on the other side and whether they’ll be visiting me or not. I sometimes look forward to my dreams at this time of year for that reason. Sorry to be off topic, but it’s just that time of year. I’m still honored to be part of your posse, Dee, and send you lots and lots of love. 🙂
Yes, step away from the Halloween candy! And that’s a lovely spiritual thought. On the other hand if my nan swings by and sees how much weight I’ve put back on since she passed she’ll have my guts for garters! Aw that actually made me tear up, it was one of her favourite expressions. I reckon no matter how thick or thin the veil she’s usually with me somehow anyway 🙂 D x
Beautifully stated and just what I needed to hear this morning. The biggest lever we have is ourselves and yet the inner voice is also the biggest source of sabotage. On my part I had a great week but went out to dinner last night. Choices were largely good but couldn’t resist at the end a shared dessert. One moment after the sugar hit my lips my inner voice started to play the “you’ve already veered off course, why don’t we take a joy ride” and plans started to well up for a tour through my kitchen when I got home. But I didn’t. And I won’t. It’s not easy but it’s not negotiable any more.
Bloody well done that girl, for sticking to your guns…proud of you chick 🙂
That’s always my inner devil’s plan too!!!! Good for you – send me courage!