So I was telling you yesterday about my epic fail in the hypnotherapy stakes, and it prompted me to have a look through some of the homework I had to do during the time I spent poking around in the dark corners of my head. I nearly fell off my chair when the word homework was mentioned, I mean I didn’t think I’d signed up for that…I didn’t even turn homework in on time at school.

As a grown up somehow I felt less of a need to rebel,  although given that I still regarded the therapy lady as a bit mystical I think perhaps I was just a tiny bit scared that she was hiding some eye of newt in her cupboard to use on wayward clients. And to be honest, if this was the woman who could unlock my head and break out the skinny girl, the least I could do was give it my best shot, right?

So she asked me what I would change about myself if I could start from scratch and design a new me. Well, let me tell you I was out of the traps like a greyhound. By the time I’d finished my list she was the one with glazed eyes. It was like giving a four year old the Argos catalogue at Christmas and asking them to make a list. I wanted to change quite a lot, as it turns out.  But then she started to play dirty, and asked me what I would keep. That was so much harder to answer.

I settled on my eyes. I’ve always had quite nice eyes I think. Sadly mother nature forgot to bless me with thick dark silky eyelashes – bitch, they’re probably in the back of her cupboard along with my long skinny legs and impressive chest which have never seen the light of day either – but they’re a nice green colour and with the aid of either mascara, or falsies, they can look quite striking.

Actually I should caveat that – they used to look quite striking. I thought I was doing really well in the face department as far as ageing was concerned until I started wearing contact lenses a couple of years ago, and after I’d tried to blame the first lot for being defective I realised with 20/20 vision I really wasn’t ageing quite as well as I’d thought. I sulked for a week.

And that was kind of the end of my list…a bit pathetic really. I did try and explain…my hair almost made the list. I like the colour, it’s very silvery blonde now (80% mother nature and 20% because I’m worth it 🙂 ) but it was disqualified due to its tendency to kink, curl and generally misbehave whenever there’s a sniff of moisture in the air. Do you remember Leo Sayer..? That’s all I’m sayin.

My knees, well they would have made the list if I’d been 140lbs lighter but sadly they were disqualified too on the basis that nobody could remember what they looked like in their former glory, and seriously, no matter how kind someone was being, they’re not ‘keep list’ material in their current state. One of them really hurts, all the time, and the number of dimples per square inch would only look appealing on toddler.

So yes, just the eyes. It’s funny, her question was what would I change, and what would I keep. I’m the one who made the leap to all the physical things, which shows you the level of my preoccupation with what I look like when I’m fat.

So, my homework was to reach out to five of my friends, and ask them what things about me they would keep if they had to re-design me. So I did. And all five answers made me cry. Nobody talked about my kinky hair, or my dimpled knees. Or my eyes actually…they talked about my warmth, and my humour, and the fact that they knew I was in their corner no matter what. They talked about how I’m always positive and how I challenge them in a good way and make them realise when they’re being a dick. They talked about lots of things that had chuff all to do with what I looked like. Isn’t that interesting.

Why don’t you try it? I felt ten feet tall and on days where everything’s a struggle, those words will help to light you up from the inside…promise.

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