So, I was chatting to someone I used to work with over the weekend and catching up with all his news – well, he calls it news. Me, I’d call it gossip but he’d deny that of course on the basis that ‘boys don’t gossip’ (yeah right that’s what I thought too). Anyway, during the conversation he referred to the girl he was talking about as being ‘a classic people pleaser’ and for some reason the phrase stayed with me way after the conversation finished. It annoyed me.
It’s not so much what this guy said, it’s they way he said it, like being a people pleaser is a really bad thing. He threw it out like some kind of insult you know? I almost felt like calling him back but then I thought he’d probably think I was some kind of nut job getting my knickers in a twist about nothing. So I didn’t, because he’d probably have a point.
I think the reason it felt like he’d poked me with a big stick was because I’ve spent quite a large portion of my life putting the desire to please other people before my own needs, and to think that people might stick a label on me in such a dismissive way was what set my teeth on edge. How bloody dare he. I suppose if you’re blessed with the confidence and wisdom to lead a life where you balance the desire to be a good all round human being with taking care of your own needs, it might seem a bit pathetic when you see someone whose need for acceptance drives them to a place where their own wants and needs are utterly overlooked. And what’s worse, they’re okay with that. But hearing the scorn in his voice rattled me more than I like to admit.
As my blog has taken shape I’ve referred a few times to the fact that I’ve been fat-skinny-fat-skinny on an almost continuous loop since my late teens. You want to know what I’ve realised as I’ve chewed on this over the last couple of days? My desire to take care of everybody else but myself is way, WAY more obvious when I’m fat than it ever is when I’m skinny. Isn’t that an interesting thought.
It’s as if subconsciously as a skinny girl, I feel free enough to be selfish when the occasion demands. I make demands of my own that – surprisingly – people meet without thinking too hard about it and even though I can be a proper diva, I still manage to be a decent person. But when I’m fat I almost feel the need to compensate by trying to be all things to all people…like the most I could hope for in terms of anyone’s opinion of me is yeah she’s fat but she’s really really nice. Which is ridiculous, because I’m the same person.
Jim Carrey – not someone you immediately think of as one of the world’s great philosophers – once said “Your need for acceptance can make you invisible in this world. Don’t let anything stand in the way of the light that shines through this form. Risk being seen in all of your glory”
Wise words. Haven’t quite nailed it but I’m trying.
There used to be professional philosophers, like Socrates, but jobs like that being scarce these days, we have comedians instead. They are our philosophers for our age. If you are good, it makes a better living than the old philosophers could have ever dreamed possible.
Anyway, i think i’d also be upset by a dismissive tone. Like he’s saying the person is of little value because she is x or y. The fact is, we are all of infinite worth.
That’s exactly it Mimi, you hit the nail square on the head 🙂
Oh my – I thought it was only me!! Being the middle child I was all about pleasing people and doing whatever it took to win their approval. I too have found that when I was focusing mainly on myself I was much thinner. AND I noticed that my happiness level works inversely to my weight – the happier I am, the less I weigh – and of course, the other way around, which unfortunately is my current status. Sigh…never seem to strike the right balance after all this time.
*Hug* don’t stop trying though, right? D x
Well your writing it down helps point me to some things I should be thinking about 😉
I’m glad you didn’t bash him LOL, however if you substitute in “she’s a self-serving little snot” I think it’s obvious a) which you’ rather be and b) what sort of fellow he is for being so disdainful of the original
That said, I agree, it takes courage and self esteem to put yourself first. I think it’s even harder as mothers to do it – even long after they’re grown LOL. Just a pattern that develops.
But putting myself first was a goal for me when I hit 50 – I haven’t really succeeded, but I am making strides. I started saying no more to relentless teens. I started going to the gym. I started taking time to do things I wanted to do even though they might cost money, or take time, or not please the family. I started back on WW and am cooking things that work for me, even if no one else is thrilled. I signed up for a drawing class 🙂 Starts tomorrow!
And no one is pointing a shocked finger at me whispering ‘she’s a self-serving little snot!’ either LOL.
But it’s true, there’s a difference between being kind, nice, fun . . . and being a people pleaser – which has become equated with pushover I guess.
Good thoughts from you today as usual – thanks so much for sharing it! The universe must have your back – throwing conversations like that at you to stir your brain up!
Hi Cherie, good on you for setting yourself the challenge and going for it. I guess we are all work in progress eh? I draw such a lot of comfort when it hits home that there are so many of us with similar issues 🙂
Truer words have I not heard in a long time. Great post!!! People pleasing is such a hard way to live. I find myself doing it all the time. Definitely something to consider and look at as we shift our perspective towards living a healthier lifestyle. Doesn’t our health include more than just our outward physical appearance? Hmmmm….
Yes it does, definitely. I think dropping a dress size is the easy bit don’t you?
I find that being a people pleaser — and I am firmly in that camp — is a way to deflect from addressing my own issues. I’d rather do anything for anybody than have to face my own issues. Your writing is excellent. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you I appreciate that…I’m finding that writing things down is helping me to pick at some of the knots in the way I’m wired! D x