Have you ever felt like your life is on hold, whilst you dream about all the things you’re going to do once you’re skinny? I have. There are places I really want to see, and experiences that I really want to have but somehow the prospect of doing them as a fat girl is nowhere near as appealing as the way I imagine they’d pan out if I experienced them as a skinny girl. And I don’t think I’m alone in thinking that way.
I can even articulate the reason why – being fat preoccupies me. With alarming regularity, the fact that I’m fat muscles in on everything I do. When I’m walking the dog and my ankles ache from the heroic effort they have to make with every step to transport all this timber, I nod and agree with the asshole in my head when he comments that if I were skinny they wouldn’t hurt. On holiday recently when I was reclining on my sun lounger reading my book and I fancied a drink, I decided to just stay thirsty because the thought of hauling myself off the sun lounger was just too much of an effort – it was low to the ground with arms at the mid point, and swinging my legs over the side and hopping up in an easy fluid movement would have been impossible. It would have been a ten point manoeuvre, and wholly inelegant, which people might have noticed and even laughed at…look at the moose, she could do with a hoist, has anyone got a crane hahaha…of course the asshole is front and centre of driving all these thoughts but still, they exist.
So I don’t want to experience the things that I’ve dreamed about, or the things that I aspire to as a fat girl – I want to experience them as a skinny girl and live in the moment, with nothing on my mind other than how much I’m wringing every ounce of enjoyment out of each and every one of those moments. When I swim with the dolphins I don’t want to spend the run up to it worrying about what on God’s green earth I’m going to look like in a wetsuit. If I snorkel off the great barrier reef I don’t want to be preoccupied about what the person snorkelling behind me is thinking as my arse completely obliterates his view…imagine the postcards he might send, Shamu is alive and well and currently on holiday just off the coast of Australia. As I board the Orient Express in Paris or the Rocky Mountaineer train in Canada and realise a lifelong dream, I don’t want my experience ruined by a seat that’s too small, or feeling that I’m spilling over and spoiling someone else’s experience. And if I’m lucky enough to ever ride an elephant in Sri Lanka I’d like folk to be able to tell us apart 🙂
As a really fat person it’s so tempting to put your life on hold and just dream instead about the life you’ll live when you’re skinny. I know, I’ve done it…I’m not doing it any more and I’ll tell you what else, I’m not waiting till I’m skinny either. As soon as I have just one X in front of my L, I’ll be ticking things off my bucket list with gusto. So there!
Your cartoon reminds me of something a colleague who is always moaning about her weight told me. Her husband (with whom she has a fab relationship) told her that when she dies, he’s going to wait a few months after her burial to place an inscription on the gravestone saying “At last, she’s reached her ideal weight!”
Hahaha that’s hilarious!
Went swimming with Dolphins at almost 300pounds. Felt conspicuous at first but NO ONE payed attention to me, they were so excited to be with the dolphins! Haa an incredible experience, will never ever forget it. Don’t deprive yourself please. Of course keep working toward slimming, but see if you can gift yourself with something on your life list. You are a sweet, kind, intelligent aND funny woman, with a good heart. I’d swim with you any day!!!
Oh bless you, what a lovely compliment, thank you *hug* – it’s funny you know, writing this over the last two months has been really liberating, and whilst I still hate my body and the limitations it puts on me (and it does, but they’ll get easier the nearer I get to skinny town) a lot of the limitations are in my head. I’m living the dream right now with this blog and the way we all help and support each other, I never thought just two short months ago that we’d be able to build anything like this! D x
I’m all for not waiting because of worrying what other people might think , but sometimes being overweight is an actual physical limitation, not just a mental one. If your ankles hurt while walking your dog, then a really demanding hike is probably not a good idea. But don’t listen to me, I’m always full of excuses of why I can’t do things.
You’re right Natalie, there are definitely things I’d be limited in right now – I made myself really angry by coming really close to being unable to walk beyond a few hundred yards, and it’s quite shaming to know you’ve done that to yourself. Or at least I found it so. But that’s yesterday’s news…things are getting easier with every lost pound, and whilst I still struggle, I won’t for much longer and that makes me happy 🙂
For me, it’s now waiting to have money to do any of it! Keep trying to lose the weight, since that’s what you want, but do the things you want to do if you can afford to in time and money when you can, and to heck with what other people think about your size while you do them!
Hmm…I’m working toward being able to think like that… 🙂
This has me written all over it. I have a whole other life planned for when I get skinny …. world traveler, hiker, ballroom dancer, marathoner, etc. But I’m trying to stop waiting, trying to stop putting off things I really want to do just because my weight is a struggle. I’m not quite there yet — I won’t be running any marathons any time soon! — but I think I will be soon.
I have to tell you, Dee, that having you along on this journey is helping me in more ways than I can say. Your posts always give me something to think about and there’s always a smile or two to be had. Thank you!
And I love the cartoon, by the way! 🙂
Aw bless you Julie, what a lovely thing to say *hug* …I’m glad. I love the way that we’re all supporting each other – it makes a difference! D x
Don’t wait for the one X. Tick something off now…just one small thing! You can do it, Dee!!!!!
Remember the heifer in the helicopter post..? Our flight is 3 weeks today and I’ve done nothing but stress about it for the last 2 months! AAARGH!!!