So I might have mentioned that the asshole in my head has been biding his time just recently, hanging back a bit you know, to see how this writing malarkey was going to work out for me. Up until yesterday it must have been a clear week or so since he rattled his chains, but I knew it was too good to last…he jumped out and said BOO twice yesterday in a carefully thought out pincer movement. His first attempt was in the supermarket on my way home from work. He’s delivered a few killer blows there in the past when I’ve gone food shopping on an empty stomach – never a good idea.
I think he was just trying his luck to be honest and I didn’t cave, although to anyone who happened to be paying attention, it may have looked like I was actually having a row with a bag of cashew nuts in aisle four. I’d like to think my lips don’t move when he goes into attack mode, although I’m generally too busy digging in for the fight to pay much attention to what my face is doing. Still, I’m teetering on the edge of the age where eccentricity is pretty much par for the course, so if anyone noticed they were too polite to stare.
The fun really started after tea when I logged into my blog, read and replied to a couple of messages and then settled down to write some words. I was basking in the glow of some lovely feedback from one of my close friends who knows I’m writing this – hardly anybody does – and I was feeling great, but for the very first time, no words came out.
Now, bear in mind I’m a fat girl who likes to write, not a writer who happens to be fat, so I was a bit stumped. I don’t have a strategy, or any kind of experience to draw on to overcome writer’s block. Someone told me when I started posting every day to prepare myself for times when every word would need to be pulled kicking and screaming from my head and to just accept that sometimes it would happen, but I was arrogant enough to believe it wouldn’t happen to me – I’m rarely stuck for words.
The longer I stared at my fingers, the emptier my head seemed to get. And then out of nowhere, BAM there he was, my very own asshole with his shiny new strategy – forget commenting on her appearance, that’s so yesterday…throw the gauntlet down, go in for the kill and just make her feel stupid. Ruin her mood and she might go in search of cake…that’s what normally happens.
“Hahahahaha…the blog’s history, you’ve blown it! It was rubbish anyway…don’t kid yourself anyone’s interested in it, those visitors you had, they probably just clicked on the wrong link. As IF anyone’s interested in what you have to say anyway – go and make a cup of tea and eat some cake, it’s all going to go wrong now so you might as well just get it over with – told you, you’re just not good enough…three weeks in and you’re washed up, how pathetic…on the skids before you’ve even got started. Empty head, empty head ha ha you suck at this”…and on, and on, and on.
Honestly? I started to really doubt myself – I felt like crap. But all the lovely things my friend had said about the blog earlier in the evening somehow cut through all his bullshit, and I managed to ignore him. And I continued ignoring him until he got bored and crawled back into his corner. So the scores on yesterday’s doors, Me: 2 – Asshole: 0.
I still couldn’t find any words, and I’ve gotta be honest that did freak me out a bit…fortunately I’d got a couple of posts in reserve so I was able to use one of them, and I’m very relieved to report that today the words seem to have got un-stuck again. As for the asshole…it feels like I’m really starting to get the upper hand. One day at a time 🙂
One can only ask, why was there cake in your house ;o) ????? That’s surely the first rule of not eating the wrong stuff, if it’s not within arms reach you can’t indulge. Even I find the idea of having to get into the car and go to the shop just to indulge in a bag of jelly snakes (sweet seducers of weight loss that they are) is unattractive especially if I’m geared for an armchair evening in nightgown and slippers. I’m no saint, just lazy. 9 times out of 10 I shop with my husband, I find him a great help because he has a wonderful line in tutts if he sees my hand reaching for the jelly snake bag, maybe try shopping for most of your food with a slim friend, that way you might be less inclined to reach for the mustn’t haves for fear of what they might be thinking.
So on a lot of levels I completely agree…but my son and I share a house, and he always has goodies stashed away somewhere. Plus, we have a convenience store within 2 minutes walk of our house and trust me when I’ve experienced the tug of a craving it’s too easy to go get stuff. When I’m writing the blog I tend to use ‘cake’ as a catch-all for any naughty snacks, actually nuts and crisps are my biggest downfall 🙁
Yes, that’s tricky sharing with a son, their capacity is generally set at “unfillable” so you have to cater for the frequent topping up sessions. A shop two minutes away is not good news, if it’s not 24 hours then consider becoming nocturnal so that when you’re open, they’re not lol. Nuts in moderation are fine, especially if they’re raw. Crisps, well the only way I’ve ever enjoyed them is on picnics to munch alongside a sandwich, they taste ok then. As I seldom picnic I don’t buy crisps ;o)
Hi Dee, I just found your blog via Jack’s blogroll. I’m so glad I did. I just spent the last hour reading all your posts from day 1. It’s like your my identical twin. Everything you write is spot on with me. I love your sense of humor as well. Thanks for sharing your struggle. It helps me to realize I’m not alone.
Hi Juls, lovely to meet you and thank you so much for the feedback! I’m glad you’re enjoying the blog – Knowing there are so many of us out there fighting the same fight kind of makes us a force to be reckoned with I think! Welcome to the posse, we can absolutely do this 🙂
I’m with Mary Lou — don’t give up! I truly look forward to reading your blog each morning. It’s heartfelt and funny and you always give me a chuckle or two to start my day!
I’m happy that you were able to crush the asshole — he’s visited me more than once while trying to write my blog. And I’ve learned the hard way that grocery shopping on an empty stomach is never a good thing, for my waistline or my wallet! Congrats on giving him the heave-ho twice! 🙂
Julie
P.S. — Thank you for the lovely comments about my blog! I really appreciate it!
You’re so welcome, I hadn’t made the connection between the Julie who’d left comments on my blog and the Julie who writes the Ice Cream blog until you said that! Doh!! I enjoy keeping up with your news, we’re all in this together after all…and thanks for your lovely feedback on mine, I will definitely keep writing. In spite of the asshole’s best efforts I’m really enjoying myself and it’s definitely motivating me to stay in the sweet spot 🙂
I am so enjoying your writing and I hope you never give up. I never post comments on any blog but I wanted you to know please keep writing. Congrats on winning over the asshole. 🙂
Hi Mary Lou, thank you so much for your lovely comments – I can’t describe what an awesome feeling it is to hear that. Best start to my day EVER!! I appreciate you taking the time to tell me, you’ve boosted my confidence immensely 🙂 D x