I used to work with a lady who was quite spiritual in her approach to life – I don’t mean in a religious sense, it was less defined than a belief system. In fact I don’t really know how to describe her…the nearest I could come up with would probably be ‘as mad as a box of frogs’ but that sounds unkind and actually I look back on her attitude with fondness and not a small amount of envy if I’m honest. She believed in whatever felt right to her in any given moment in time, for whatever reason, no matter how quirky – or utterly bonkers –  it seemed to anyone else.

Just think about that for a second…how liberating would that be. I mean on one level, I reckon we’ve all done it to some small degree – hands up if you’ve ever read a horoscope and immediately checked a different newspaper or magazine or website to find one that sounded more appealing – I know have.  And if I have two to choose from, and one of them tells me today is the day that a tall dark handsome millionaire is going to carry me off to a land where chocolate has no calories, where he will ravish me till my eyes pop out,  or better still I’m going to bag my dream job as chief ice cream taster for Haagen Dazs and I’ll get skinnier with every mouthful, count me in I’ll pick that one every time. But much as I might leave the house with a spring in my step ready to embrace Utopia, that’s closer to wishful thinking than belief.

Our personal belief systems have evolved through our respective lifetimes as a direct result of things we’ve seen, experienced, been told. My personal view is that our self esteem is so closely linked to our personal beliefs that it’s nigh on impossible to separate the two. And if somebody says something which resonates within our personal belief system, the message lands far more easily than if it’s at odds with what we believe.

That’s why the asshole in my head has so much power over me. My belief system is built on some fundamental principles which include skinny being good, and fat being bad. I’m not alone in this belief – it’s widely held if you’ll pardon the pun – it’s a message that seems baked into the fabric of society, unless you live in Tonga (which by the way I’m still considering as a relocation option if the diet goes to shit). I can’t even begin to tell you how much I envy those people who regard fat and skinny as having equal merit in the body stakes. I’d give my right arm to feel like a goddess instead of a moose but I just don’t see a world where that’s going to happen. After almost fifty years (*weeps * HTF did that happen) my beliefs are pretty hard-wired into my DNA.

So if someone tells me I look nice, I’ll smile and accept the compliment but it doesn’t land, you know? When the asshole tells me I look fat, that lands. Bad lands every time. The trick is, taking the hit and using it to spur you on to a better place…I’m on it.

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