I’ve probably spent enough time over the last few days poking fun at some of the things that I personally don’t find that helpful when I’m having a crisis of confidence, or when I’m clinging onto the last vestige of willpower by my fingernails and feeling powerless to stop the sad demise of yet another attempt to lose weight. It helps to laugh at it all but you know what, I’m here to tell you that when you can’t see a way out of being anything but the size of a bouncy castle it’s kind of your default position to feel like nobody understands. And when there’s a list of jazz-hands solutions which appear to work for everyone in the world except you, it just serves to make you feel even more isolated.
I think I’m pre-programmed to feel irritated by a lot of it, especially when it’s written by an airbrushed skinny girl, glowing with health and looking for all the world like she just stepped off the cover of vogue, munching on celery sticks and drinking a tall glass of iced water as she poses in her yoga pants. I get it, of course I do…it’s just marketing. “Ta daa…do this, and you can look like me!!” Regardless, unless the photo is captioned with ‘Former sumo wrestler Fanny…’ it gets right on my last good nerve.
I’m far more likely to sit up and take notice of someone who looks like they’ve been around the block a bit, because with the best will in the world even my fairy godmother isn’t going to be able to make me look like that girl. Show me a girl of average proportions whose photo props suggest that she’s cracked it, but still knows her way around a doner kebab and I’d be all over that because she’s more likely to have the kind of advice I might be able to identify with.
So you already know I’m in a good place at the moment, right? I wouldn’t say I’m loving the diet –I’d rather be able to eat anything I wanted in man-sized portions, with seconds (and pudding) but I can’t if I don’t want to carry on looking like this. And I really don’t. I have to keep pinching myself at the fact that for now, I’m not finding it difficult. I’m not fighting with myself every day. I haven’t fallen off the wagon, and I haven’t really been tempted to, which is a minor miracle in itself.
I think it might be something to do with the power of words – I’m really enjoying the process of writing down my thoughts. Apologies to anyone who happens to be reading this if you feel that I’m cheating you out of drama! I’ve not had to wrestle yet with the asshole who sometimes lives inside my head (I’m sure you’ll make his acquaintance at some point) and I haven’t had to overcome any impressive obstacles. I’m fairly certain that all that will follow at some point but for now I really appreciate your company…you’re helping, so thank you.
