Tag Archives: psychology

Getting My Priorities Right

In the here & now, , ,

time

One of the things I’m really good at is finding stuff that I like to do, and then liberally using the excuse that I’ve been too busy doing that stuff to get to the stuff that I really should do. I’ve never known anyone that can burn time in quite the same way I can, you know? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not wasting time exactly…I’m just not making the most of it. And then I wonder why there’s never enough hours in the day to do the stuff I need to do.

I’m finding it really hard to strike a balance at the moment. I know myself well enough to realise that if I try and put myself on a timetable for my free time, it’ll get the third finger treatment before the ink’s even dry. I don’t like to live on the clock at the weekend, which feels like it should be my time to do what I want and just enjoy it. To be fair it’s the one thing me and the committee inside my head sort of agree on.

It’s a theme though, isn’t it? For those amongst you who know me best, you’ll have twigged some time ago that if something gets my attention, it gets all of it. But getting my attention in the first place might not be easy, and even when I’m across the line it might not last very long, depending on how much I enjoy/need whatever it is we’re talking about. And then there’s the question of whether enjoyment trumps need, in terms of allocation of time. In my book yes, every time. But that’s not necessarily a grown-up thought process, is it?

Let’s take this morning as an example. I woke up about 7.30am. I spent five minutes tickling Charlie-dog’s ears and then, determined to get up and at my day ended up back in bed where I spent the next 90 minutes immersed in my on-line life. Checked in to the blog and answered a few emails, did a bit of site maintenance and had a mooch though the blogosphere.

Once I made it downstairs, I went outside to see how the temperature was coming on in the hot tub, I’ve arranged a chilled out catch up with one of my best friends who’s coming over later so I filled it yesterday and it’s looking good. I got distracted just fannying around in the garden, and burned another half an hour.

I got distracted again in the kitchen, where I read a bit of the paper on-line before wandering back into the blog and kicking around some thoughts about blog posts I’d like to write, and in the meantime ten and eleven o’clock both came and went un-noticed…I was still in pyjamas at this point, and the dog was wearing a resigned look.

As I write this, somewhere along the way I’ve managed to get dressed and eat a late breakfast, but it’s now 1pm, and I’ve burned half a day, essentially doing nothing. I haven’t walked Charlie yet, I haven’t gone anywhere near the pile of stuff I’d planned to get on eBay this morning and as I drifted off to sleep last night I’d decided that was my absolute priority today. Yes, it’s the same pile of stuff I’ve been tripping over since my big wardrobe clear-out what, a month ago? Longer than that I think. They’re in my way, they’re driving me nuts, and yet I can guarantee they’ll still be there on Monday.

I guess where I’m going with this – for those of you who are still awake, and wondering – it’s like all those diets over the years that I meant to get around to starting, but just didn’t quite because something always came along and furnished me with an excuse to put it off for another week. The more I delve into the corners of my head, the more I come to realise that there are certain character traits which sort of underpin who I am, and recognising that explains a lot.

It’s a good thing, as it stands. I makes me less inclined to blame myself, and more likely to understand and be a bit less unforgiving, you know? It doesn’t mean I don’t need a good kick up the bum to get going – clearly I do – but lightening up on the blame lessens the guilt, and without guilt, recriminations lose the power to push you further into that bad place where feeling worthless is the order of the day.

Actually, I feel pretty good today. There’s a shiny new Weight Watchers week with my name on it just waiting to be opened in the morning, and tonight will be fun. Now I’m off to walk the furry one…it’s a beautiful day and it will be good to get moving. Better late than never, right?

Happy Saturday peeps 🙂

 

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An Old Shoe In The Gutter

In the here & now, , , , ,

1804626

Do you find it as baffling as I do that I can have a day like Sunday where every minute was a battle, closely followed by a day like today, where I sailed through without one resentful thought about the fact that I was even on a diet? Not a single toss was given. It’s like my head is playing games with me you know? One minute it’s okay, and the next minute it’s not.

I was analysing Sunday’s mood in my head as I drove to work this morning…I have a long commute to work, at least an hour on a good day and often longer so it’s a good time to be alone with my thoughts, you know? And I got to wondering about the inconsistency and lack of logic behind me motoring along nicely for ages with no problems and then WHAM! getting punched in the solar plexus by a rage so strong it kind of shocked me.

It made me remember my teenage years, when I was obsessed with horses. Even way back then I was an all-or-nothing kind of girl. I’d already obsessed for a while over The Osmonds, then the Bay City Rollers, and having gotten bored of them, it became all about horses. Boys came later, but probably safer at this point not to go there 🙂

There was one horse in particular at the stables I used to volunteer at in exchange for free rides, who was my absolute favourite. He was utterly bomb-proof. I could confidently ride out knowing that whatever we encountered along the way, he’d just plod on regardless. Motorbike..? No problem. Pneumatic drill..? Yeah whatever.

Then one day, we approached an old shoe that had found its way into the gutter, and sweet Jesus as soon as he clocked it he took off like a fucking racehorse. It was a shoe!! It hadn’t seen a foot for years, it was completely innocuous and yet it totally freaked him out.

And that was sort of like my Sunday. So we have a new TV. Big deal, right? Who knew it would start such a major meltdown? I wasn’t ready for it and I don’t think I dealt with it too well but actually, unpicking it all slowly in my head is helping me to understand why it might have happened in the first place.

TV was my thing, you know? In my old life, before the diet and before this…it’s just what I did. It’s pretty much all I did. I mean sure, I’ve always had a demanding job and a busy outside-my-front-door life, but once I shut the world out and climbed into pyjamas, the TV was all I had. I’d lay in the chair and watch TV and I’d eat. It was easy, and in the moment it always felt good.

Let’s not talk about the feelings of frustration and self-loathing that would invariably follow as I gathered up the wrappers and got rid of the evidence. In the moment, everything was right with my world. And I think somehow getting our new TV, which is a bigger better version of what we had before tipped me right back into that headspace. I wanted to dive back into those moments before the self-recrimination used to kick in, where I was indulging myself with all my favourite snacks and feeling an artificial sense of happiness.

And that’s the thing, you know? That’s the sound of me hitting the nail square on the head. In the moment happiness isn’t the same as being happy. Being happy is when you can zip up a pair of pants that haven’t fitted you for years. It’s about knowing what you want, and going after it. It’s being able to walk with the dog for three or four miles on a gorgeous spring day and fill your lungs with fresh air. Doing stuff, instead of watching stuff. That’s not artificial, or fleeting…it’s being.

I’m guessing that days like yesterday have to happen in order for me to really work through this shit, one issue at a time.

But I get it, okay? Loud and clear…now enough already. No more please!

 

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Reframing My Perspective

Freeform thoughts, ,

perspective

I’ve always thought that perspective is a mystical thing. It captivates me how two people can look at one thing, whether that’s a picture, an object or even just a situation, and see two completely different things. And the view of the two people next to them would be different again. How can that even happen..? It’s like anything else to do with the human condition…an endless source of fascination. You may have come across this picture before…do you see the elegant young lady looking over the right hand shoulder of her fur coat, or do you see the wizened old lady with a pointy chin and sad eyes..?

I’m less clear what it says about us as individuals depending on which one we see first, but I do know that seeing both perspectives is easier when you’ve studied it awhile, or maybe if someone shows you a different way of looking at it. Some people can only ever see the one angle. And that’s pretty reflective of the way people see the world too. We’re all different.

My perspective varies depending on the way I’m feeling about two things; how much my eating is in or out of control, and how fat or skinny I am. I’m not talking about the picture now, I’m talking about the way I see things around me, and the way I interpret situations. I could look at the same challenge, and evaluate my ability to overcome it in two completely different ways depending on my perspective in that moment.

Let me give you an example. You all know I’m rooted firmly in this sweet spot where my diet is concerned, right? I’ve got a lot of skin in the game since my last bad food decision – I’ve been dieting for exactly four months and although I switched food plans, and I’ve done a little creative points allocation here and there to accommodate life, I’ve never stepped off the path. Not once.

And the fact that I haven’t, means I’m not likely to, you know? I feel strong, and as though I can go toe to toe with any food challenge which comes my way, and ace it. My four months’ worth of skinny choices is the anchor which is keeping me in the sweet spot. But let’s just imagine that this weekend I blew it, with the intention of getting back in the game on Monday.

Come Monday, I’d have no skin in the game since my last bad food decision…I’d be starting again with a clean sheet. No anchor. And without the anchor, my perspective on all of it is different. It’s much easier to think oh go on then…I’ll start again tomorrow…or Monday, yes that’s it I’ll start again on Monday.

So how cool would it be, if we could re-frame our perspective and use that to wrestle control back over what we do and how we feel? I was reading an article a few days ago about re-programming cellular memory as a way of reducing anxiety, and I wonder if we might be able to bend the concept a bit and see whether it would work as a tool in our collective kit-bag.

Go with me on this one ok?

Imagine it’s a Monday, and on the Sunday you’d fallen out of the naughty tree and hit every branch on the way down, I mean I’m talking big-time naughty…full english breakfast, big old sunday lunch followed by sticky toffee pudding, and then crumpets with lashings of butter for tea. So it’s Monday and you wake up feeling like crap knowing you blew it yesterday.

What if, you could lay there and walk your way through yesterday in your mind, but substitute the memory of those naughty meals with skinny choices. If you were able to imagine how those grapefruit segments in natural juice tasted so sweet and sharp on your tongue at breakfast time. How the lean fillet steak and light-roasted vegetables tasted at lunchtime, and how you weren’t really hungry at tea time so you had a nice skinny latte with a couple of crackers later in the day.

How effective do you think that would be, with a bit of practice, in terms of re-framing your perspective on how well the food plan is going, and how strong you are?

I’m curious, as to whether it might work. I mean, we’d need to exercise caution…if it works, the asshole in my mind would be all over it, encouraging me to throw caution to the wind today because tomorrow I can fool my head into thinking I’ve been good and we wipe the slate clean. But as a concept, for emergency slip-ups only it might be worth a shot, as a way of getting our head back in the game quickly.

What do you think..? Shall we have a go..? First one to slip on a banana skin over the holidays gives it a shot and reports back so the posse can pick over the bones and decide whether it’s in or out of the toolkit?

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Scratching The Surface

Freeform thoughts, In the here & now,

surface

One of the advantages of being curious about the world in general, and interested in how other folk manage to get – and keep – their shit together, is that there is a wealth of ideas out there about what works and what doesn’t. Some of them are offered up as irrefutable fact, some are just abstract ideas which kind of plant a seed in your head and you can ponder it yourself and start to form a view, and at this time of year particularly there are lots of lists…’the top ten ways to…’ kind of thing, you know the score.

Some of the absolute gems come from people you know who just appear to have it all effortlessly going on – although don’t forget that appearances can be a bit deceptive. One of the most put-together people I thought I knew totally left me hanging when I tried paying her a compliment by telling her how much I admired her. I don’t mean in a weirdo stalker-ish kind of way, I mean I just mentioned in passing that I wished I could emulate the way she dealt with things. Big mistake.

Before I had chance to catch my breath she started unloading all the reasons why she was the wrong person to regard as a role model – picture me standing there, catching all these reasons one by one, as though I’m holding an armful of groceries without a basket to put them in…I felt like a right numpty, I mean what do you say? Cue awkward moment where I wished I’d kept my mouth shut to start with and realisation dawned on her that perhaps she’d over-shared instead of just accepting the compliment.

It did make me think though, about what goes on under the surface you know? The way in which we’re regarded by the world in general isn’t based just on how we look but also on what we choose to show of our character – and to be fair, if you invest time in portraying yourself in a certain light but then shoot the illusion down in flames when someone calls it out, it kind of defeats the object, the above example being a case in point. I’d be more likely to fist-pump the air at the fact I’d pulled off my impersonation of someone cool, calm and in control.

Do you think there’s a direct correlation between what we know and like about ourselves, and the self we choose to share with the outside world? I do…it’s definitely true in my case. I’d love to be able to say that I’m always authentic and honest in the way I interact with other people but if I scratch the surface, I’m so not.

The things about myself that I like, I’ll share freely and openly ’till the cows come home. But it’s a different matter altogether when it comes to revealing things about myself that I don’t like, or which I think don’t present the impression of me that I want people to have. The things I feel ashamed of, or guilty about, or which are character flaws that I wish I didn’t have..? These things you’re likely to find me trying to bury under the patio in the dead of night in the hope that nobody will ever see…or think harshly of me because of them.

And how strange is it that on here, I feel like I can say that freely and yet some of my closest friends wouldn’t know that about me..? I suspect it’s because I think about you guys as my support system, you know? You’re helping me be the best version possible of the authentic me, so it’s ok that you know…after all, I can’t change what I don’t acknowledge, right?

More food for thought 🙂

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Keeping The Wheels On

Biggest struggles, In the here & now, ,

wheelI mentioned in a post recently about scrubbing my teeth with an overloaded toothbrush when I was wrestling with a craving, and I got a flurry of messages from various people in the posse who were keen to share their own tips in terms of some of the little things that work for them in the daily battle to keep on the right path. So I thought it might be a useful idea to put a couple of those things out there – I’m really quick to poke fun at things that strike me as ridiculous, so it’ll make a nice change to actually promote some of the things that work for some of you guys. Kind of like a public service but without the accompanying photo of a smug string bean who wants everyone to know why she’s so fabulous.

I guess the toothpaste thing was rooted in the fact that when you have the taste of peppermint in your mouth, things you love taste different. Me, I love a nice cup of tea, but if I have a mouthful of morning tea when I’ve just surfaced and brushed my teeth it tastes like crap you know? Quite a few of your suggestions worked on the same principle. Unless you live alone and are incredibly disciplined when you’re doing the supermarket run it’s not always possible to avoid having naughties in the house so any coping strategy is worth a try, right?

One of the notes I got was from a lady (hi Suzanne 🙂 ) who found it really hard not to binge on her daughter’s creamy yoghurts after she’d put kids to bed – until that is, she mixed a teaspoon of vinegar into one of the little pots and forced herself to eat the whole thing. Now when she thinks about that yoghurt, the raspberry and vinegar combo is what she tastes in her mind and given that it was disgusting, no more craving yoghurt and no more binges. Simple, but brilliant.

Pat (hi Pat 🙂 ) said she stomped all over her craving for fish and chips which regularly made the wheels come off her diet by putting them on a plate and putting the plate in the fridge until they’d gone clap cold and were really greasy with congealed fat, and then taking a few mouthfuls – she said they tasted rank, she could feel the cold grease sticking to the roof of her mouth and she’s never fancied fish and chips since.

Changing the memory of the way something tastes in your mind seems to be something that works well. It’s definitely filed away in my ‘useful things to know’ drawer although for me, depending what’s driving my binge it’s often not the taste as much as the need to just eat something and often anything.

I’ll chuck another one into the mix if I may…one of the things that my hookie spooky magic lady encouraged me to do when I was being taunted by the asshole in my mind and fighting the urge to binge, was to write down four things.

The first one, what was the asshole in my mind telling me to do right in that moment? His ‘pitch‘ you know? How was he selling it?

The second one, what about someone who really loved me, cared about me, wanted the best for me. What would they advise me to do in this moment?

Thirdly, someone I really looked up to, who I perceived as having it all figured out, in control of their life…someone I wanted to be like…what would they do? How would they act in that situation? (I picked Davina McCall – might seem a bit random but she’s had addiction issues of her own, way in the past now, and that girl really knows how to dig deep. I adore her – she’s faced down her own asshole and totally blown him out).

She told me to then re-read those three things, before writing down the fourth thing, which is what I decided to do, after weighing up all the advice, considering the options and understanding the consequences of each. Write down my decision, good or bad with the reason why…and own it.

It might work for you, or it might not. For me it has, once or twice but I didn’t do it enough times to really embed it as a strategy. But either way, it was interesting to look back after the event and look objectively at what was going on in my head at the time because generally you forget, when the moment has passed.

Anything’s worth a shot out there on the battlefield, right?

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