Tag Archives: feeling the love

On The Subject Of Socks…

In the here & now, ,

got my backMy new ones got christened last night along with my new walking boots, and it seems Indiana Jones was right… no blisters. To be fair, they were tested with a small ‘t’, in that I only walked around three miles…the walking boots felt weird. They weren’t uncomfortable exactly, it just seemed like they made my legs ache more than normal which isn’t helpful but then I suppose I’m used to walking in trainers which are much lighter. Fact is, I can’t wear lightweight trainers to climb a mountain so I’ll just have to suck it up and get used to them even though I feel like I’ve got tractor tyres under my tootsies.

I had some lovely messages yesterday from folk keen to help…one of our posse is even going to invite a bunch of friends around for coffee and cake in exchange for a small donation which she’ll then pass on through my sponsor me page…you’re all awesome and I’m so touched by the fact that you all have my back in this way. There’s no feeling like it, genuinely and I’m here to tell you that you’re pissing the Asshole voice off at every turn…his best advice is quit now because you don’t have a cat in hell’s chance of making it over that mountain range, but your voices are louder and clearer than his ever was.

I’ve had a few messages to say that some of our posse overseas are struggling to make their donation through the sponsor me page, and Veronique came up with a brilliant idea – if you prefer to send your sponsorship money through PayPal, you can send it directly to dellibop@mac.com with whatever message you’d like me to put on the sponsor me site, and I will load it on for you at this end – that way you’ll be able to view your donation and your message on the site.

Shall I tell you what else happened? One of my friends set up a Facebook page linked somehow to the Kingdom of Pain, and loads of my new friends from there are supporting me by setting up walks over the coming weekends to spur me on and help me get ready for this challenge. It’s just incredible, I feel like the whole world is standing shoulder to shoulder with me on this…I’ve never known anything like it before. How lucky am I 🙂

You know the biggest fist-bump moment of the week for me happened in the outdoorsy shop, whilst Indiana Jones was standing over me with several pairs of shoes. She handed me a sock, and in one uninterrupted movement I lifted my foot onto the bench, bent down and pulled the sock onto my foot and then stood up again, holding my hand out for a shoe. And I didn’t even grunt! That could never have happened when I started this journey…I couldn’t even reach my feet.

So I have a walk arranged tomorrow with my Kingdom of Pain buddies and I’ll be wearing my backpack with God of Pain’s weights in it, with my new walking boots on. My steps will be heavy but you know what, inside I will feel as light as air. You guys are all pushing me to a new place, and I feel like I’ve won the lottery.

Have an awesome weekend everyone, and a million thank yous for having my back 🙂

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I’d Rather Be Dodgy…

In the here & now, , , , ,

dodgy

It’s weird you know, I’m fifty years old and I’d like to think I’ve learned a few valuable life lessons along the way. I’m still learning, in fact this journey in particular over the last few months has peeled away a lot of layers and revealed things about me to myself that I don’t think I ever knew. If someone had told me at the very start of this journey that that would happen it might have spooked me a bit, I mean it could have had disaster written all over it, right? We all know about Pandora’s box.

Happily, as I’ve uncovered stuff, talking it through with you lot has helped me to work through it, in fact it’s been like six hundred words of therapy every day. I’m more grateful than I can tell you for the fact that you all listen to whatever comes out of my head, and then empathise, and relate, and chip in with your own perspective.

I must admit, I’m totally unguarded on here, and I’m sure occasionally I’ve been guilty of over-sharing, but I’d hope my words come across to you as authentic. It’s my journey, as seen through my own eyes, and whilst I might crack a joke or two, those of you who’ve sussed me out will understand that’s my default way of dealing with difficult, you know?

So I had an email yesterday morning from one of my most loyal supporters who was absolutely outraged that someone had awarded a ‘poor’ rating to something I wrote a couple of days ago. And bless her, she even felt the need to apologise on their behalf. I was so touched at the way she had my back, but to be honest until she pointed it out, I hadn’t actually noticed.

See, I don’t think too much about the star ratings widget…it’s useful in the way it allows me to see which posts you enjoy the most, and I love that it generates a favourite posts list – new folk who wander into the blog tend to poke around in there, and it gives them a good flavour of what we’re all about. I’ve never really thought about it in the context of people passing judgement on my writing, daft as that might sound.

I’ve got to be honest, I didn’t like the fact that someone thought my words weren’t up to scratch, but I wasn’t especially worried about it. And this little storm in a teacup demonstrated perfectly to me just how far I’ve grown in the last few months. At one time I would’ve been absolutely gutted.

I would have read, and re-read the post, trying to pinpoint the exact bit which sent someone’s opinion of me plummeting downwards. I would’ve chewed myself up about it and then probably headed straight to the Hobnobs. I wasn’t good enough, look it’s there in black and white, I’m officially rubbish. POOR!! I need a hobnob immediately to make me feel better.

This time, I re-read it once and thought you know what, it’s probably not the most entertaining post I’ve written but actually, it helped me. And let’s not forget, I write for me. Writing my thoughts down on that day in the way that I did helped me to find a link. And the links I’ve gathered over the past ten or so months are the reason I’m still here, sashaying along on this road to Skinny Town.

So I’m happy with those words even if they weren’t to someone else’s taste…they served me well. They had a purpose. And if I tried to be funny when I wasn’t feeling funny, that’s when I stop being authentic, right?

I don’t much fancy getting another ‘poor’ though. Ever. So I changed the descriptions, ‘cos I can do that. ‘Poor’ is now a bit dodgy, and ‘awful’ is now a steaming pile of shite. I sincerely hope nobody ever thinks that, but at least if they do it’ll make me chuckle, and I’d rather be dodgy than poor any day of the week..!

Have a great weekend everyone…see you on the other side 🙂

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Seeing Beyond What’s Hard

In the here & now, ,

unlock

I went back to work this morning feeling so relaxed after a lovely long weekend – God of Pain is away, so there haven’t been any classes since Friday morning and I’m rather astonished to say I’m itching to get back to it tonight. Is that a bit weird? Not because I’m enjoying it in any way shape or form – I’m not there yet – but because every day I don’t go now feels like a day wasted. I’m on the clock, you know? I’ve got a mountain to climb. I’m focused. And you know what, I’m starting to notice that my body is responding.

Yesterday was such a warm and sticky day. I took the dog out for a walk, and I was in the mood to explore. We covered well over four miles on a couple of bridleways that I discovered by following a public footpath sign that I’ve walked past hundreds of times, and ignored. Turns out my curiosity paid dividends, it’s a lovely walk that I never knew existed until I followed my nose yesterday.

When I set off, I’d gone in a different direction than normal, and taken a route I usually avoid because it’s harder…it’s a lot more hilly. The first time I did it back at the beginning of the year I made a note to self along the lines of never again in this lifetime…I couldn’t manage it without feeling like my lungs were going to explode. Yesterday, I ate it for breakfast. It didn’t bother me one little bit.

And despite the muggy day and the long walk, I felt energised when I got home rather than knackered like I usually do. And that tells me something, you know? I didn’t find it hard, and I didn’t look for reasons to quit or find a short cut home like I would’ve at one time, because compared to what goes on in that fitness studio, it was quite literally a walk in the park.

Which kind of brought me to the realisation that it’s not even about what goes on in the Kingdom of Pain, is it? I mean it is, in the moment, when I’m there…but way beyond that is  the potential in this fat old body, which going there and hurting is unlocking.

Even a couple of weeks ago the walk I did yesterday would’ve challenged me, but every one of those torturous classes has made me a degree or two stronger, and what was difficult in the very recent past is now less so. I feel a tiny bit excited by the possibilities of where this might lead.

It is hard, going pretty much every day, but I’m looking on this as an investment in me. I’ve had quite a lot of emails about my new fitness schedule, in fact one or two of them have made me chuckle – they came from people who care enough to reach out, but they could almost have been written by my asshole voice. Be careful, don’t overdo it, you should have plenty of rest days in between…

I’ve responded to every one with appreciation, because I know they come from a place of caring and concern, and whilst the sentiment is similar, they’re a million miles removed from my asshole voice’s agenda of trying out of his socks to make me believe that I can’t keep the pace.

I promise you don’t need to worry…it’s working, under the close supervision of a professional athlete who retired from his sport and now spends his life whipping reformed couch potatoes into shape. He knows his onions, and I trust him.

Speaking of which, I need to get a wriggle on…it’s Fat Furnace tonight.

Kill me now 🙂

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The World Didn’t End At Foxy Lodge

In the here & now, ,

cabin

So I’m safely home after a weekend of utter awesomeness, in fact if I were forced to pick, I think I’d have to say this has been one of my very favourite girly weekends ever, and we’ve been doing this a long time so there are a lot to choose from. I’m not sure I could put my finger on exactly why, except maybe because I thought this one might be hard and it turned out not to be at all…I worried for nothing.

Wednesday night, when I slipped on that dieting banana skin, it knocked the wind out of my sails a bit. Maybe the Asshole voice thought I was getting a bit cocky, you know? Anyway, whatever, I greeted Thursday feeling thoroughly pissed off but resigned to the fact that I’d have to be far stricter with my food budget over the weekend than I’d been anticipating.

I knocked that one right out of the park, I mean I’ve had one or two tastes of naughty but it would barely even qualify as a dabble, and my best estimate is that I’ve stayed entirely within points.

And get this, every single one of my friends turned up for the weekend complete with exercise gear in a full show of solidarity, and we’ve made a respectable dink in the nature trails around the lodge. If I tell you that under normal circumstances we never make it further than the hot tub with just an occasional foray up to the reception area to try and get a phone signal, or *ahem* the recycling area with all our empties you’ll understand how much of a departure from the norm that really is.

I was totally surrounded by support, and it made getting back on solid footing over the weekend totally effortless. I’m so lucky 🙂

And you know what else I realised..? I didn’t post for two days, and the world didn’t end. I feel slightly ridiculous for panicking about it so much. When I arrived there on Thursday it took me about twenty laps of the car park, on foot and waving my iPad in the air before I got enough signal to post the one I’d already teed up. The cabins are buried in woodland and there was no chance of getting enough signal to write, so I gave myself up to a world without technology and you know what, it was fine.

I missed talking to you guys of course, but I actually realised that if for whatever reason I can’t manage to write a post every single day it’s not going to make the wheels come off my diet. Who knew! That in itself is a massive pressure lifted off my shoulders, and we’ve already established that pressure doesn’t do me any favours, right?

Anyway, the bitch in the bathroom greeted me like an old friend when I got home earlier, and then delivered the news with a flourish that I’d put on a pound. Shit. Still, my mid-week wobble says I deserve it, so I’ve taken it on both of my chins, and it’s all good. It’ll come off this week, no doubt in my mind at all.

It’s been lovely having a week off work, and both my weekends away…I’m rested and raring to go. I’m ready to embrace normal again, and crack on with the business in hand. This week is the week I get serious with this bloody fitness malarkey…watch this space 🙂

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Thanks…Enough Now!

In the here & now, , , ,



compliment

I could get used to this…having packed such a lot in to the last few days I feel like I’ve already had my weekend, and yet it’s only Sunday with a Bank Holiday tomorrow...get in. I just had my weekly encounter with the bitch in the bathroom and the number hasn’t moved this week, which is annoying, but all it drew from me was a Paddington stare and a silent fuck you. To be honest, it hasn’t put a dink in my Sunday at all – I’m still riding the euphoria of the last couple of days.

On that though…whilst I sincerely appreciate all the love and the compliments which have come my way, I’d like to point out that it would have been much more helpful if you’d all emailed and said you didn’t look bad but Christ on a bike look at the size of your arse...I’ve got the Asshole on my case now with a full blown campaign designed to persuade me that enough is enough.

In the past, it’s sometimes taken just one compliment for me to down tools. Such-a-body said I’m looking good so I think I can leave it there, well done me, I’m done. And when I actually think about it, a compliment combined with me feeling better generally has pretty much guaranteed that me and whatever diet I was doing would head directly to splitzville. Dee and the diet remain the best of friends and wish each other well for the future but are now consciously uncoupling and will be seeing other people…

I need to shut the Asshole down immediately…I’m still eight stones too heavy for my frame and whilst I’m able to do far more now than I could at my heaviest I’m a million miles away from the person I see in the daydreams which I’ve hugged to myself for the last few months, you know? Me, sashaying down the road in skinny jeans without a care in the world. Me, whizzing up that mountain in Cuba without breaking a sweat. Me, enjoying myself doing whatever without giving a monkey’s chuff about what I might look like.

I can pretty much write the script of how it would go if I took my foot off the gas now…I’d be careful for ten minutes and then lose the plot altogether, which is basically what I’ve done my whole life. I think it was Dr. Phil who used to say that the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour…he’s got a point, right?

Even when I did the VLC liquid diet and got to my skinniest weight I still stopped a bit short of the goal weight I’d set myself when I started because I’d reached the point where one more chalky soup would have tipped me over the edge. I mean, I might have actually even killed someone. As soon as that BMI number nudged point nought nought nought one inside the boundary of normal that was it. Finito.

What I’ve come to realise is that the number you moot as your ideal number at the start of your journey is an important psychological milestone. Actually mine isn’t a number, it’s a dress size. UK 12…that’s my holy grail. If I stop at a 14 or a 16, I’ll just continue to bounce around because I’ve set size 12 as my anchor. My cornerstone. So if I stop short, essentially I’m buggered.

I love how you all jumped in to make me feel a million dollars, you knew instinctively that I needed that confidence boost and good Lord did you ever come through for me. But I’m going to tuck those lovely words away for a while now, okay? I might wheel them out once in a while if I’m having a down day, or if the Asshole’s chewing my ear and eroding my confidence. But for now, I need to gently shut the door on them and get on with the business of getting skinny!

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