Tag Archives: exercise-dodger

Because, Because, Because

In the here & now, ,



lazy

Today’s been one of those days where I’ve got on my own nerves. I woke up at around 7am and cussed myself for waking too early on a day when I didn’t need to be at work. After practically frog-marching my head back to sleep, it was well after 10am before my eyelids dared to try again, at which time I cussed myself a second time for sleeping too long. Of course it didn’t occur to me that I could have set my alarm for the time I was hoping to wake up…that would have been too simple, right?

After grumbling to myself that I’d wasted a chunk of the day, I proceeded to make myself some breakfast and waste a chunk more of it by watching TV and mooching on-line. Then I fixed some lunch and burned another couple of hours. It was only when Charlie’s dog stare became so uncomfortably persistent that I forced myself to get dressed and go out and walk him. It was the very last thing I wanted to do, to the point where I almost didn’t.

To be honest, I’ve got an issue with that. I’m mad. All the way around our usual three mile circuit I’ve been battling the Asshole voice who is in fine fettle today. I feel really frustrated that some days, despite being eight and a half months into this regime it still doesn’t feel like my new normal. My head seems very quick to forget that I’ve taken a big step away from the life I was living before and still tries every trick in the book to throw that rusty nail under my wheels.

In times gone by my Bank Holiday Monday would have been spent in the armchair, and the Asshole voice has been busy trying to stir up resentment that today it wasn’t possible. And a few of the barbs have hit home, you know? For God’s sake woman you’re not a machine…it’s the only day you’ve had completely to yourself and there’s no good reason why you can’t just relax and kick back…

Listening to that, and buying into it is what allowed me to languish in my big fat leather recliner until well after 2pm. Shaking myself out of that reverie was tough, and had it not been for the doggy death stare I might have still been there now. That same voice followed me all the way around our eventual walk, pointing out just exactly how much my knee was hurting today where it hasn’t so much recently. Take an early left and head for home, this isn’t doing you any good.

Of course it was doing me good, you fucking ejit. This whole thing is doing me good. It’s a shame that my head doesn’t always get with the programme but seriously, dude, the only reason I used to spend so much time in that armchair is because it was the only place in the world that I could get comfortable. Because I was so fat. Because outside of working hours I practically lived in the armchair. Because I couldn’t get up and walk the dog for three yards without hurting, never mind three miles.

Today, I could. And I might have had the Asshole voice playing on a loop in my head, and my knee might have randomly started aching a bit but in the grand scheme of things it hardly matters that it took me a bit longer than usual to get my motor running today…the fact is I did, eventually, because I can.

Remembering things I couldn’t do before, and the fact that now I have choices where before I didn’t…that helps, on days like this 🙂

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Moving The Goalposts

Biggest struggles, Diet update, Freeform thoughts, ,

goalSo back on the 17th of August, which was a Monday, (obviously, because Asshole logic dictates that diets can only start on a Monday, it’s practically the law) my dieting goal was to shed a couple of dress sizes before the trip I’ve just been on. I started my blog the following weekend and I can honestly say that since then I’ve not stepped out of the sweet spot…not even once. I did back the wrong horse I think, by starting on a carb-free regime at first but it’d worked for me before, and fairly quickly. Not this time.

I don’t have a scooby doo what I weighed when I started, which in hindsight probably wasn’t my smartest move. If you’ve been reading along since the early days, you’ll remember that a few weeks in I got weighed for the first time, only to discover that I weighed more than I’d imagined I had at the start. That made me swear, a lot. But once I was over being a diva, I took it on the chin, cracked on with the regime and didn’t let it throw me off course.

I checked in with the bitch in the bathroom again about 3 weeks ago to find that although my lard is on the move, the pounds have been slow to shift with only another 5 gone. So I switched out to the Weight Watchers’ food plan instead, dropped a couple more pounds and although I haven’t been on the scales yet since I got home, I’m not expecting to have gained anything on holiday. I’ve found my groove with the points malarkey, and I’m still in the game.

But I need a new focus. Visualising that helicopter trip has kept me 100% on the right path but you know what, getting skinny is just not happening quickly enough. And yes, I know I have my wrist bitch to bully me now (trust me, even the asshole’s running scared) but I need a new focus too.

And that is..? I’m going to be in a size 22 by the first of the year, and I’m going to get there by meeting or exceeding my activity goal every day – as well as the food plan of course. That’s my new short term goal. I was a size 28 when I started and I’m a good size 24/26 now, kind of on the cusp you know? 22 is where I’m headed and I’ve got nine weeks and two days to get there.

Now I have to ‘fess up and say I feel a bit of a fraud with that bold statement, given that today I’ve missed my activity target and I’ve welched on the deal to walk Charlie for half an hour every day after work. Great start, really, way to go Dee you’ve reached new heights of wimpdom. But guys I’m soooo tired – jet lag has kicked in big time, and despite staying up all day yesterday and not feeling too bad, when I went to bed last night at around 10.30pm, ping…wide awake! I saw 3.30am come and go before I could find an ounce of sleep in me. And my alarm goes off at 5.30am….a 50 miles each way commute and 10 straight hours in the office on less than two hours’ sleep is a stretch too far…my tank is running a little low.

I have the opportunity to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat…after all it ain’t over ’till the fat lady sings….oh wait a minute, listen…do you hear that? Right then…I’ll walk twice as far tomorrow. Promise.

Doh Ray Me Far So Laa Tee Doh…  notes

Me: 0 – Asshole: 1.  Sorry posse…I feel like I’ve fallen at the first fence  🙁

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Wanting To Want To

Freeform thoughts, In the here & now,

Pet hamster holding a blank white sign on a stick as an advertising and marketing concept with a cute mouse like mammal with a smile communicating an important Veterinary or Veterinarian related message.

One of the benefits that I’m finding in writing all my mixed up thoughts down and pulling them into the kind of order that makes it possible for other people to read, is the clarity I’m uncovering for myself.  I’ve never approached this as a ‘Dear Diary’ blog given that I doubt anyone but me would be remotely interested in the general titter and shit of my life – I’ve tried to take the seed of an idea in each post and kind of kick it about out loud so I understand where I land with my perspective.

That seems to be switching on a few lightbulbs as we go along…for me as much as anyone. And it’s good to take one thought at a time, and really dissect it. A bit like when they used to make you chop up a frog in the science lab at school so you could see what was inside, just a bit less messy. So following on from me identifying my big hairy audacious skinny goal, I need to unpick some of the habits that could make the wheels come off. After all, any good strategy needs to keep sight of the likely bumps in the road in order to plan for them, right? In the context of dieting where broken choices and bad habits have gotten me into this mess, I need to be able to call out the difference between routine, and habit.

I guess for me, routine is the framework of my life. I get up, I go to work, I come home…I take care of my mum, feed the dog, hang out with my boy…all those things are fairly routine because they need to happen to keep life ticking along. I suppose there’s no such thing as a good or a bad routine, sure some are more fun than others but they’re fairly easy to change if they’re not working for you. Habits are something different. In my mind, I see habits as the angels or demons that live within your routine…they’re either rootin’ for you or pulling against you. And where bad habits are concerned, the asshole in my mind is right behind the wheel.

Told you he operated by stealth didn’t I..? I think it was Zig Ziglar who said that all bad habits start slowly and gradually and before you know you have the habit, the habit has you…that’s so true. Trouble is, some of these bad habits are destructive, yet comforting at the same time, you know? Think about it. I get in from work, knackered..long day, busy busy busy…hauling 300lbs of body around equates to not much energy left, aching back, swollen feet. I look forward all day to climbing into pyjamas, sinking into the armchair with the dog on my knee and eating something (or several somethings) as I watch TV and relax.

And yet. That’s one of the worst habits I have that I need to break. I know that…it’s not doing me any good. Being completely sedentary in my down-time is not encouraging my buns to shrink and although I’m in the sweet spot and I’m completely in control of my food choices, this is where the asshole is still in control of the route map. But from where I’m standing right now, I don’t want to break that habit – there. I’ve said it. I look forward to that moment all day long!  What I want, is to want to want to break the habit…and therein lies the rub. That’s a different thing altogether.

Let me chew on that a bit longer.  I have some thoughts, and I’ll write more tomorrow. And if anyone cares to share what helped them want to want to change something they didn’t want to change I’m all ears 🙂

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Motivation theory (Part 3)

Freeform thoughts, In the here & now, ,

bunnyI’m warming to the theme now – it’s a funny thing isn’t it, motivation – what works for some won’t work for others, and actually over the years I have found a few things which I will  arrange in my toolkit to be wheeled out when I need to turbo charge my willpower or find a bit of added oomph. And I will talk about them on here at some point, I promise. Just indulge me one more post though, in taking the piss out of the ideas which (in my humble opinion) have clearly been cobbled together by someone who has probably never even sported a muffin top.

So, the next nugget of wisdom was to join a gym class and pay for loads of sessions up front – that way, you’re bound to attend because otherwise you’ll have wasted your money. Kind of like a psychological contract. Genius idea that.  Let’s have a pop quiz. Do you think this suggestion came from

a) a gym bunny, or

b) an exercise dodger.

Yeah, that’s what I thought too. Come on, I’ve been there. On Monday, I start the diet, I’m brimming over with enthusiasm, this time it’s going to work. I know, I’ll even take an exercise class, in fact look, it works out cheaper to pay for six. Tuesday I go to the first class. Wednesday I can’t move. Thursday I can move a little bit and comfort-eat my way through the pain (because after all, even factoring in the 45 minutes I spent wheezing on the sidelines I must have burned off at least, ooh 3000 calories in the step class which almost killed me , so actually it cancels itself out) and then it’s Friday, which is the weekend and we all know that weekends are about pleasure not pain, so I’ll go back for my second class next week when I’m bound to feel a bit better.  The diet’s gone to shit anyway so I may as well have the weekend off and I’ll start again on Monday.

No, hang on, I can’t start my diet on Monday, I’ve got a works’ do a week on Saturday and that’ll ruin all my hard work, so I may as well start my diet two weeks on Monday so I can have a good run at it. In the meantime, pass me the cake  because when I start my diet I won’t be able to have any of that. And look, there’s no point in going back to the gym class until I’m dieting, that’d be a complete waste of money, everyone knows diet and exercise go together. Actually what I might do, is to diet for a few weeks and drop some weight, and then go back to the exercise class. It wouldn’t hurt as much if I was skinny. Yes that’s what I’ll do. I’ll definitely go back though.

And repeat. I think you get the picture. That’s the psyche of a fat girl – sorry, I shouldn’t generalise, that’s the psyche of this fat girl. I know it’s not logical on any level whatsoever, but then addicts will say and do anything to convince everyone – including themselves – that they’re in control, they’re on it, in fact they’re all over it.  Someone once told me that the definition of madness was doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

This time, I’m trying something different…I have my blog 🙂

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