Tag Archives: blogging

Stepping over the Gauntlet

Biggest struggles, In the here & now, , ,

Listen Vs. Ignore - Toggle Switch

So I might have mentioned that the asshole in my head has been biding his time just recently, hanging back a bit you know, to see how this writing malarkey was going to work out for me. Up until yesterday it must have been a clear week or so since he rattled his chains, but I knew it was too good to last…he jumped out and said BOO twice yesterday in a carefully thought out pincer movement. His first attempt was in the supermarket on my way home from work. He’s delivered a few killer blows there in the past when I’ve gone food shopping on an empty stomach – never a good idea.

I think he was just trying his luck to be honest and I didn’t cave, although to anyone who happened to be paying attention, it may have looked like I was actually having a row with a bag of cashew nuts in aisle four.  I’d like to think my lips don’t move when he goes into attack mode, although I’m generally too busy digging in for the fight to pay much attention to what my face is doing. Still, I’m teetering on the edge of the age where eccentricity is pretty much par for the course, so if anyone noticed they were too polite to stare.

The fun really started after tea when I logged into my blog, read and replied to a couple of messages and then settled down to write some words. I was basking in the glow of some lovely feedback from one of my close friends who knows I’m writing this – hardly anybody does – and I was feeling great, but for the very first time, no words came out.

Now, bear in mind I’m a fat girl who likes to write, not a writer who happens to be fat, so I was a bit stumped. I don’t have a strategy, or any kind of experience to draw on to overcome writer’s block. Someone told me when I started posting every day to prepare myself for times when every word would need to be pulled kicking and screaming from my head and to just accept that sometimes it would happen, but I was arrogant enough to believe it wouldn’t happen to me – I’m rarely stuck for words.

The longer I stared at my fingers, the emptier my head seemed to get. And then out of nowhere, BAM there he was, my very own asshole with his shiny new strategy – forget commenting on her appearance, that’s so yesterday…throw the gauntlet down, go in for the kill and just make her feel stupid.  Ruin her mood and she might go in search of cake…that’s what normally happens.

“Hahahahaha…the blog’s history, you’ve blown it!  It was rubbish anyway…don’t kid yourself anyone’s interested in it, those visitors you had, they probably just clicked on the wrong link. As IF anyone’s interested in what you have to say anyway – go and make a cup of tea and eat some cake, it’s all going to go wrong now so you might as well just get it over with – told you, you’re just not good enough…three weeks in and you’re washed up, how pathetic…on the skids before you’ve even got started. Empty head, empty head ha ha you suck at this”…and on, and on, and on.

Honestly?  I started to really doubt myself – I felt like crap. But all the lovely things my friend had said about the blog earlier in the evening somehow cut through all his bullshit, and I managed to ignore him. And I continued ignoring him until he got bored and crawled back into his corner. So the scores on yesterday’s doors, Me: 2 – Asshole: 0.

I still couldn’t find any words, and I’ve gotta be honest that did freak me out a bit…fortunately I’d got a couple of posts in reserve so I was able to use one of them, and I’m very relieved to report that today the words seem to have got un-stuck again.  As for the asshole…it feels like I’m really starting to get the upper hand.  One day at a time  🙂

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Sunday Check-in

Diet update, In the here & now, , ,

pup

I seem to recall making a rash statement last weekend about using Sunday posts to give you an update on my progress. I’m going to have to apply a little creative thinking if I want to keep you occupied for longer than one blink of an eye, diet updates are something of a challenge when you’re averse to standing on a set of scales.

For those friends who are new to my blog, welcome and to save you wading through past posts, I’m benchmarking my success by size not weight – me and the scales, well we have a ‘thing’ you know? They bring out the diva in me so I avoid them wherever possible, and  working  on the principle that if I haven’t cheated on my diet, I’m bound to be losing weight,  giving them a wide berth means one less opportunity for the asshole in my head to attack my mood if the needle hasn’t moved as much as I’d hoped.

So two good things happened to me this week – my friend at work looked at me and said ‘you look thin today’ – bear in mind this is all relative, I am about as far from thin as it’s possible to be, but when the weight does start to come off, it’s not unusual for it to come off my face first, so I suspect that’s what she meant – it did prompt a cheesy grin and a feel good factor of eleven on the one-to-ten scale!

The other huge thing to happen this week which has caught me completely unawares is the incredible support and messages I’ve had from around the world from people who have dipped into my blog and taken the time to read and respond to my posts – truth be told I’m a little bit overwhelmed.

Sean and Jack, who both have well established blogs very graciously allowed me to signpost their respective sites on my ‘Interesting Stuff’ page, and reciprocated with a link to my blog from their own pages, which has sent visitor numbers into overdrive! I’ve found myself turning into a geek, looking at graphs and getting very giddy when pins started dropping left and right – I’ve had visitors from seven countries in the last 24 hours which just about makes me want to pee my pants.

Being serious for a minute, the amount of people who have reached out and offered words of encouragement, or emailed me and shared their own story has been nothing short of awesome. Exhilarating! Touching.  To the asshole in my head, stick THAT in your pipe and smoke it…there’s a posse of us now and we’re all motoring through this together.

One of the popular motivation theories for keeping on the straight and narrow if you’re in this for the long game is apparently to build a really strong support network. Well bugger me, isn’t that the truth!  I feel on top of the world. Thanks for reading, I feel the support and I’m sending it right back at ya 🙂

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Holy Moly, the pressure’s on now.

Freeform thoughts, In the here & now, ,

writer

Thanks to a couple of very good friends of mine who’ve been kind enough to share the details of my blog on their Facebook page, I’ve picked up 10 new readers who don’t know me. To them – you, if you’re reading this – I’m just a blogger!! And you have every right to expect quality well thought out words, along with insight, honesty and interesting content.

I’m currently standing in that space between feeling excited and terrified, with a healthy dollop of understanding that from here on in, I really and truly can’t just talk shite as a space-filler, I mean I have a readership!!  What a responsibility…I feel like JK Rowling. Or at the very least JR Hartley.  My ‘web traffic analysis’ graph is going bonkers – well when I say bonkers I mean it’s no longer reporting a flat line of one visitor, so to me it’s become the most fascinating thing E.V.E.R.

Pressure’s a funny thing – I react one of two ways, and I never know which of the two I’m going to get – a bit like Forrest Gump with his chocolates.  I sometimes rise to the challenge and deliver, when I feel the pressure and get in the groove…other times I recognise the pressure on an intellectual level, but it doesn’t motivate me to pull my finger out and crack on at all. Lets take dieting as an example.

Back in January, I knew I had two very special holidays booked – it’s the big five-oh (no!) this year, and I really wanted to be slimmed down and full of energy so I could enjoy them both to the max, so (lets have a pop quiz boys and girls) did I…

a) Take full advantage of the respective 7 and 9 months lead-in time, get cracking with the diet after Christmas and feel slowly more fabulous as the departure dates got closer, or

b) Do nothing at all.

Yep, see how well you know me already…option ‘b’ for bugger all. I did nothing.  As the departure date for holiday number one got closer, like counting in weeks rather than months it did occur to me that I may have missed the boat (well, the cruise ship, pardon the pun) as far as my bikini body was concerned. Short of losing a lot of weight quickly by chopping a limb off shortly before embarkation or having extreme liposuction my options were a bit limited.

Don’t get me wrong, my friend and I had a wonderful holiday, but I felt every sightseeing footstep like a hot blade through my dodgy knee, I had to wedge my super sized rear end into the beautiful dining room chairs every night till the arms left bruises on my thighs, and I had to decline a gentle stroll around the promenade deck after dinner each night since the sheer effort of lifting the last petit-four off the dessert plate just about sapped the dregs of my energy.

Don’t even get me started on the subject of breaking the bed, although that’s definitely a story for another day.

Holiday number two will be different…seven weeks and three days from now, five of my closest friends and I are jetting off for four days of birthday madness, and seeing as I’m in the sweet spot, and your company is keeping me busy and away from the food cupboard, I’m rather optimistic that whilst still fatter than the average bear I’ll be a couple of dress sizes smaller with reduced aches and pains. Happy days!

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Still practising…

In the here & now, ,

diary

Never having been one to keep a diary – well except for during one angst-ridden teenage year which I still have and which is both amusing and painful to read, in equal measure – I don’t know how easily I’ll take to committing a regular download of my thoughts into this place.  I’m the Queen of unfinished projects, so I’d hazard a guess that I will take to it with gusto and throw myself in wholeheartedly.  To start with anyway 🙂

I’ll kid myself that I’m being sufficiently guarded, when in actual fact I’ll probably be far too honest.  I’m likely to forget that I’m not just keeping a diary for my eyes only, which means I’ll completely forget to deploy my filter and share far too much information without realising I’m doing so. It wouldn’t be the first time that my big mouth has landed me in hot water.

But I’m guessing as risks go, it’s a fairly small one in the grand scheme of things…after all who would really be that interested in the musings of a middle aged woman who’s just looking for a bit of non-judgemental company on her journey from fat to fabulous.  If you’re on your own journey it might even be interesting to compare notes.

So that’s it…home page written, first 2 posts posted. I’m sure at some point as I play around with all this stuff I’ll figure out how to do pictures, and add interesting stuff to supplement my ramblings.  I’m excited…seems a far more creative outlet than therapy!

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