Tag Archives: Asshole

Semi-Retired Disco Pants

Freeform thoughts, In the here & now, ,

dress

So today’s the day where I’m headed off to conference, complete with shirt that fits – yey. Before you all celebrate (I can hear sighs of relief and corks popping all around me) I’m here to tell you that in all honesty I think you could probably get the inhabitants of a small village into this shirt.  Clearly when the order form went off with my size on, the shirt maker erred on the side of caution having never needed a pattern so big, and used enough fabric to single-handedly power the Spanish Armada.

I’ve got to be honest, the starched collar doesn’t help the overall effect and I certainly won’t be winning any prizes for style. Still, I’d rather look like a ship in full sail than spend the day bursting out of something which is straining at the seams. I tell you what, I’m going to keep this shirt and when I’m skinny I’ll do one of those photos of me posing in one corner of it. But anyway, that’s day wear sorted out. I will also be required to host a table at the gala dinner, and the dress code requires me to wear a cocktail dress. Oh dear.

Now I’m here to tell you that’s not going to happen any time soon. No no no no no. For the avoidance of doubt, no. I’m not one of these busty-but-hour-glass shaped ladies who can look glorious with curves spilling out of artfully draped chiffon even if the serving size is a little too large. I’ve never been known for my glorious assets in the cleavage department and to be honest, after all these years going up and down the size spectrum, nowadays my boobs resemble a pair of old sports socks with a tennis ball in each end. Trying to hoist them up to look alluring in any kind of chiffon ensemble has disaster written all over it.

I shall choose instead to wear my trusty black palazzo pants which, whilst not exactly on point in terms of the dress code look as dressy as it’s ever going to get when teamed with a nice top. A nice black floaty shapeless hides-everything-displays-nothing kind of top. No dimpled flesh on display, nothing to offend the eye, nothing to make me stand out. Nothing to make the asshole in my head whisper you can put lipstick on a pig but… or you can cover a turd in glitter but… as I’m getting ready. He really earned his stripes over the years you know?  But I’m ready for him.

And as for the post-dinner dancing…I have to be honest and say my disco pants were put out to grass some time ago. I might have got a bit more mileage out of them had I been a skinny girl but as it stands, they’re currently buried somewhere in my skinny closet with nothing on their dance card. But activity is only suspended ’till I’m skinny, so they’re only semi-retired…even with my dodgy knee I still have moves like Jagger and can shake what my mama gave me with the best of ’em. Just for now, not in public 🙂

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Switching It Up

Diet update, In the here & now, , ,

hippo

Well it had to be done. You know my attitude to standing on the dreaded scales, and it’s probably what, five or six weeks since I did it? Diet is going well, or should I say my motivation level remains at an all time high thanks in no small measure to writing my blog, and to you lot in the posse for your lovely posts and emails. I’m still front and centre of the sweet spot…BUT. I don’t appear to be skinny yet. Which to be honest is pissing me right off. I mean it’s all relative isn’t it, I know I’m not going to break out the skinny girl in like 10 minutes, but I’d hoped to be at least one dress size smaller by now and I’m not feeling it. So this morning I had a face-off with the bitch in my bathroom.

(Please do excuse my fruity language especially if you’ve joined us for the first time…I don’t generally have a potty mouth but since I’ve named the asshole in my head his power to upset me has diminished quite considerably, so I’ve adopted it as a strategy. The scales have been duly re-named.)

AAARGH. It’s the good news/bad news thing. I’m 5lbs down since my last attempt to make friends with the number on the scale – cast your mind back to last time, I had a sour mood for days afterward. So 5lbs off is good on the one hand but I’ve gotta be honest, I’d expected more. Shit. No wonder my clothes aren’t hanging off me yet. Right then, well I refuse to be fed up about it, but I need to switch this up a bit and I know exactly how I’m going to do it. I’m going to change my diet of choice.

Whatever diet we all choose to follow, if we stick to it it’s going to show results, right? Low carb diets in the past have worked fairly quickly for me but this time I’m not getting there any faster than I would if I was following a broader food plan, therefore having given it a good go over the last couple of months, I’m going to ‘spend’ my food budget in a different way. I’ve been toying with the idea for a couple of weeks anyway – I’ve had to think about what’s going to happen on holiday, given that champagne is a no-no on a carb free diet and I need to feel in control but not limited. So, I’m going to fish out all my weight watchers paraphernalia and crack on with that and see how I go on. The next couple of days should be interesting as my body adjusts to a new regime.

It may make you smile to know that I’ve just had a very predictable dialogue with the asshole in my head…“why don’t you have the weekend off then, and start on Monday..new diet, new week? You could have a Chinese tonight, no need to go mad but how about some noodles? I know you can have those on weight watchers anyway, but if you start officially on Monday you can eat Chinese tonight without it coming out of your weekly points”…he thought he was going to score an easy victory there. No chance asshole, get back in your box. No chink in this armour buddy, better luck next time fu

Have a good week everyone and thanks for your continuing support…it makes a big wide world of difference 🙂

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Waiting to be Skinny

Freeform thoughts, In the here & now, ,

thin

Have you ever felt like your life is on hold, whilst you dream about all the things you’re going to do once you’re skinny? I have. There are places I really want to see, and experiences that I really want to have but somehow the prospect of doing them as a fat girl is nowhere near as appealing as the way I imagine they’d pan out if I experienced them as a skinny girl. And I don’t think I’m alone in thinking that way.

I can even articulate the reason why – being fat preoccupies me. With alarming regularity, the fact that I’m fat muscles in on everything I do. When I’m walking the dog and my ankles ache from the heroic effort they have to make with every step to transport all this timber, I nod and agree with the asshole in my head when he comments that if I were skinny they wouldn’t hurt. On holiday recently when I was reclining on my sun lounger reading my book and I fancied a drink, I decided to just stay thirsty because the thought of hauling myself off the sun lounger was just too much of an effort – it was low to the ground with arms at the mid point, and swinging my legs over the side and hopping up in an easy fluid movement would have been impossible. It would have been a ten point manoeuvre, and wholly inelegant, which people might have noticed and even laughed at…look at the moose, she could do with a hoist, has anyone got a crane hahaha…of course the asshole is front and centre of driving all these thoughts but still, they exist.

So I don’t want to experience the things that I’ve dreamed about, or the things that I aspire to as a fat girl – I want to experience them as a skinny girl and live in the moment, with nothing on my mind other than how much I’m wringing every ounce of enjoyment out of each and every one of those moments.  When I swim with the dolphins I don’t want to spend the run up to it worrying about what on God’s green earth I’m going to look like in a wetsuit. If I snorkel off the great barrier reef I don’t want to be preoccupied about what the person snorkelling behind me is thinking as my arse completely obliterates his view…imagine the postcards he might send, Shamu is alive and well and currently on holiday just off the coast of Australia. As I board the Orient Express in Paris or the Rocky Mountaineer train in Canada and realise a lifelong dream, I don’t want my experience ruined by a seat that’s too small, or feeling that I’m spilling over and spoiling someone else’s experience. And if I’m lucky enough to ever ride an elephant in Sri Lanka I’d like folk to be able to tell us apart 🙂

As a really fat person it’s so tempting to put your life on hold and just dream instead about the life you’ll live when you’re skinny. I know, I’ve done it…I’m not doing it any more and I’ll tell you what else, I’m not waiting till I’m skinny either. As soon as I have just one X in front of my L, I’ll be ticking things off my bucket list with gusto. So there!

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Three-Way Tech Support

Biggest struggles, In the here & now, , ,

                                            notebook, and two persons on white background

So last night was traumatic. I am something of a muppet where technology is concerned and I have sweated over every page, widget and plug-in on my modest little website over the last 6 or so weeks. I’ve done it all myself, a labour of love and it feels all the more precious to me because it’s completely mine. But when I logged on last night to write a post, it didn’t work. I couldn’t get into the site at all, there was just huge error message on the screen.

So I waited for a bit, and it didn’t go away. Did all the usual stuff you know…pushed the same buttons again and again just a bit harder, thinking I might get different results…sound familiar?! Now bear in mind, my default setting when the shit hits the fan has always been to reach for cake. I could hear the asshole in my head yawning and having a good stretch as he woke up and started to take an interest.

So, I was worried on three fronts – firstly that my posse would wonder where I’d disappeared to…secondly that Crabby’s lovely readers would find me closed for business if they popped over to check out my blog after she’d very kindly lent her support by offering me a moment in the Cranky Fitness spotlight – and finally that I wouldn’t be able to post anything.

When I decided to blog my way to skinny, I promised myself that I’d be the best blogger I could possibly be. And that means posting consistently so that if I was lucky enough to pick up some company, you’d all know those words would be waiting for you at the point when you take time out of your day to check in and see what’s on my mind. Of course, being me I’ve taken that quite literally, and I even try and post at the same time every day (the asshole just chuntered something about OCD but I’m ignoring him).

I’m not going to lie, as it all started to go wrong I could feel that compulsion to eat – encouraged of course by the asshole who told me over and over “it’s an emergency so it’s ok,  just have a cup of tea and a couple of hobnobs…it won’t matter just this once .”  I ignored him. So he carried on. And on, and on.

I ended up having an on-line chat with a charming guy in India who did his best to help – not just some random bloke obviously, I mean someone from tech support for my web host. I narrowly avoided typing “SOD OFF ASSHOLE I’M NOT EATING HOBNOBS” in the conversation window because the asshole was pulling out all the stops, having recognised the amount of buttons on show for him to push whilst I was talking to the tech to the point where it was practically a three-way conversation.  Anyway, turns out the server was down and I just had to tough it out – so for anyone who wondered where I’d got to last night, I’m sorry yesterday’s post was late.

Of course now, without my stressy head on, and with the perspective of hindsight I can see I was acting like a total diva – shit happens woman, get over it. And it’s interesting how quickly the whole purpose I’m blogging got lost in the excitement of discovering that people seem to like my blog…I started it for me, as a way of being accountable, and it’s working. The rest, as they say, is gravy…note to self, don’t let go of that. I care about my blog, I care about my posse but most of all I can’t forget to care about me!

Anyway, I didn’t go near the biscuits in case you’re wondering, and the asshole has been licking his wounds today after I shoved him back in his box and slammed the lid shut. Once again, Me – 1, Asshole – 0.  And happily, normal service has resumed today 🙂

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Skin in the Game

Diet update, Freeform thoughts, In the here & now,

feeling good

I’m enjoying something of an easy ride at the moment – truth be told I feel almost guilty that I’m not providing you with more drama, like my diet blog won’t properly earn it’s stripes unless it’s chock-a-block with tales of struggles and overcoming adversity. All I’ve managed to do so far is to demonstrate that the asshole is…well, an asshole who spends his days just being annoying rather than effective. Which must be twisting his melon BIG TIME because I’ve been such a pushover in the past.

This sweet spot that I’ve landed in is providing me with a protective shell against the worst of him – that, and the company of our posse, obviously. Don’t get me wrong, he hasn’t gone away…he had a bit of a chew at me yesterday in fact. To cut a long story short I had a really early start and I’d taken breakfast with me (low carb muffins, see my foodie page) – the first opportunity to eat didn’t present itself until I was settled on the short flight over to Ireland (which I made with 7 minutes to spare due to heavy traffic, talk about squeaky bum time!) and as I thought about reaching into my bag to get one out,  I was acutely aware of him chuntering on in my ear about how everyone on the flight would look at me with contempt and think ‘trust the fat girl to bring a picnic for a 30 minute flight hahahaha‘ – his words did sting a bit and I decided not to eat. So he still has the ability to make me second-guess myself, but no real teeth to throw me off track, for now.

I’m fascinated as to the reason why – what is it that’s making this feel like a walk in the park? I’ve become gradually more aware over the last couple of weeks in particular that I’m nurturing a deep down core belief that this will be one of the times in my life where I’ve really managed to get a hold of myself and I’m going to complete the long march from fat to skinny, that’s how secure I feel right now. I’m scared to turn over too many stones in my desire to understand what makes this time different, in case it vanishes like a fart in the breeze – sharing my thoughts with the posse on a daily basis is definitely helping, and I suspect that having almost six weeks’ worth of skin in the game is also a factor.

In the first flush of resolve with a new diet it’s easy for him to justify a slip-up as a false start, and persuade me to get on board with his twisted thinking but the fact that I’ve managed not to let his barrage of chatter un-nerve me is turning down the volume of his voice ever so slightly. I wouldn’t say he’s on the ropes but he’s definitely spending more time in his corner.

One piece of exciting news that I have to share is that Crabby McSlacker from Cranky Fitness invited me to submit a guest blog to her website – I cannot begin to tell you how much I’ve chuckled at the prospect of me writing an article for a fitness website. I mean you almost have to have an epi-pen on standby whenever I so much as think about exercise! I’ll post a link when it goes live, in case you’d like to check it out.

So all in all a great week – I’m just going to keep on keeping on…as always, I appreciate your company, it’s helping more than you know. I hope things are going equally well for you guys 🙂

 

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